The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature’s Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.
“Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville’s schoolchildren are required to participate in a ‘fitness for life’ program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age.”
The vice president conclude that the Nature`s Way should establish a new chain store in Plainesville. To support this conclusion, the arguer point out there are many residents participate the health club and the running shoes and exercise clothing sales well. The vice president also expect a new generation join in a 'fitness for life' program. From those evidence the vice president assumption the previous experience is the same to Plainesville and the firm will be profitable. From the weaken evidences I can see several fatal flaws obviously, which rendering the argument is unconvincing.
First of all, the vice president trust the reporter easily and cite the responser's report. The report says the running shoes and exercise clothing are sold better than ever before. It is not convinced me to believe the trade is so profitable. We don't know how about the sales volume of homogeneous products are sold. If the products aren't sold much and sold promote only little now, we will doublt the reliability of 'all-time high'. Without ruling out the health products and the heath-related products are sold well, we can't conclude the merchandise is so profitable from the assumption. Even if the products is sold at all-time high, there must be much competitors in the city. They will compete with their firm and the competitors have take the possession of the health products markets. We also can't convince the residents will purchase their products of their firm. We must know the firm could seize the enough health products markets.
Furthermore, that the health club is booming make the vice president believe much of the citizens will buy the sports suit. However from the health club will closed five years ago, we can conclude the health club isn't huge and can't contain much people. So we could suspect how much residents prefer to the health club. Even though there are enough citizens to the health club, we also can't believe they will purchase the health food and food which has some good to their health. Even if the resident who like do sports are sufficiency. They may not purchase the sports products of the firm.
Moreover, the custom of the city's residents will be changed. As the common sense, people don't prefer do one thing all the time. So we can hypothesize the residents won't like to do sports, say nothing of buying the sports-related products. Then the propose of the vice president will failed.
Finally, the vice president expect to impact a new generation to let the firm has more develop. Whereas we know the kids are so young, we don't know when they grow up if they will remember the firm and not mention them to buy the products. Or maybe the kids are forced to do sports, then the won't prefer the products even hate to use or buy them. So the purpose won't be realized. So the support stands on an unexpected assumption.
In sum, the recommendation is stands on unconvincing assumption. To be more convince, the arguer must provide more details. Such as the previous sales volume of the homogeneous products, and how many residents prefer to do sports and so on. If the arguer could cites more static perhaps the argument will be more convincing.
第一篇作文,写得很烂,希望大家都来拍阿.........
[ Last edited by 11yaoyao on 2005-12-5 at 19:52 ]作者: 11yaoyao 时间: 2005-12-5 18:58:16
The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature’s Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.
“Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville’s schoolchildren are required to participate in a ‘fitness for life’ program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age.”
The vice president conclude，注意时态和人称哈 that the Nature`s Way should establish a new chain store in Plainesville. To support this conclusion, the arguer point，同上头一样的问题 out there are many residents participate 还要注意这个词的用法，后面要加ＩＮ the health club and the running shoes and exercise clothing sales well，participating in club and sales of sports item are completely differnct issues, so i suggest not using and to connect the two things. this sentence is better to be improved in structure. The vice president also expect a new generation join in a 'fitness for life' program. From those evidence the vice president assumption the previous experience is the same to Plainesville and the firm will be profitable. From the weaken evidences I can see several fatal flaws obviously, which rendering the argument is unconvincing.这个句子语法不对啊，ＷＨＩＣＨ 引导的是一个句子，这里根本没有谓语动词
楼住在第一段列列出了vice president 观点的不对，但总感觉不是很简单明了．而且，用词需要再下工夫啊．你可能是太粗心了，不对的地方用彩色给你表示出来了．另外，如果楼主采用了首段总结段．建议楼主在第一段能覆盖完你提纲里写的几点．这样使文章很清楚，条理性强
First of all, the vice president trust the reporter easily and cite the responser's report. The report says the running shoes and exercise clothing are sold better than ever before. It is not convinced me to believe the trade is so profitable.这两个句子可以用however合并一下，楼住的原句太简单了，ＥＴＳ会认为你写作很平淡 We don't know how about the sales volume of homogeneous products are sold. 这个句子有两个动词了are 前是不是掉了个thaat呢？而且觉得这个句子和前后的联系不是很强，都不知道你放在这里是什么目的If the products aren't sold much and soldsales 吧 promote only little now, we will doublt the reliability of 'all-time high'. Without ruling out the health products and the heath-related products are sold well,建议在and前面加逗号，要不然容易误认为without 引导了后面的所有 we can't conclude the merchandise is so profitable from the assumption.没有排除健康产品并且健康产品销售得很好我们就不能从假设中的出产品是可以赢利的结论？？楼主这句话是这个意思吗？怎么觉得逻辑有点不对 Even if the products is sold at all-time high, there must be much competitors in the city. They will compete with their firm and the competitors have take the possession of the health products markets. We also can't convince the residents will purchase their products of their firm. We must know the firm could seize the enough health products markets.
总得说来作者的逻辑很混乱，不是很有说服力，语法错误教多，努力努力
Furthermore, that the health club is booming make the vice president believe much of the citizens will buy the sports名词当形容词用单数！！ suit. However from the health club will closed five years ago, we can conclude the health club isn't huge and can't contain much people. So we could suspect how much residents prefer to the health club. Even though there are enough citizens to the health club, we also can't believe they will purchase the health food and food which has some good to their health. Even if the resident who like do sports are sufficiency. They may not purchase the sports products of the firm.
这段有很多和上头相似的错误，这里我就不仔细再修改了
Moreover, the custom 觉得这里用这个词不是很恰当．觉得habit更合适of the city's residents will be changed可以不用被动. As the common sense, people don't prefer do one thing all the time. So we can hypothesize the residents won't like to do sports, say nothing of buying the sports-related products. so, we can prefigure that the residents will not be attatched to sports all the time, and they may get tired of buying the sport-related productes.这是我帮你改的，可参考下Then the propose of the vice president will failed.
觉得作者不是很切题啊，完全没有提到和nature's way的健康食品的关系啊
Finally, the vice president expect to impact a new generation to let the firm has more develop. Whereas we know the kids 正式文章中用正式的词，最好用children.are so young, we don't know when they grow up if they will remember the firm and not mention them to buy the products.句子结构有问题． Or maybe the kids are forced to do sports, then the won't prefer the products even hate to use or buy them. So the purpose won't be realized. So the support stands on an unexpected assumption.
In sum, the recommendation is stands on unconvincing assumption. To be more convince, the arguer must provide more details. Such as the previous sales volume of the homogeneous products, and how many residents prefer to do sports and so on. If the arguer could cites more static perhaps the argument will be more convincing.
大概修改了一下，楼主参考下．我建议楼主多看看ＥＴＳ的范文．还有，没有按照提纲来写啊，总有点感觉就是正文部分不太切题作者: yangxing 时间: 2005-12-6 05:47:04
汗～～～努力改正，谢谢组长。汗～～～作者: 安婧 时间: 2005-12-17 13:55:21
The vice president conclude that the Nature`s Way should establish a new chain store in Plainesville. To support this conclusion, the arguer point out there are many residents换成many residents there如何?觉得there are 有点低级 participate the health club and the running shoes and exercise clothing sales well. The vice president also expect单三 a new generation join in a 'fitness for life' program.不是希望了先生，是事实 From those evidence复数 the vice president assumption the previous experience is the same to Plainesville请问该句的动词？ and the firm will be profitable. From the weaken evidences I can see改成found? several fatal flaws obviously, which rendering the argument is unconvincing.
First of all, the vice president trust the reporter easily and cite the responser's report觉得也应该加个副词，这样写让我觉得你这句话没说完. The report says the running shoes and exercise clothing are sold better than ever before. It is not convinced me to believe the trade is so profitable. We don't know how about the sales volume of homogeneous products are单复数！volume are? sold. If the products aren't sold much and sold promote only little now, we will doublt the reliability of 'all-time high'. Without ruling out the health products and the heath-related products are sold well, we can't conclude the merchandise is so profitable from the assumption. Even if the products is sold at all-time high, there must be much competitors in the city. They will compete with their firm and the competitors have take the possession of the health products markets.为什么前面是将来时，后面是完成时？完成时还写错了。要不就是现在时？也不像。还是我没看懂？ We also can't convince the residents will purchase their products of their firm. We must know the firm could seize the enough health products markets.还是觉得你这句话没说完。为什么要占有市场？为了盈利啊
Furthermore, that the health club is booming make the vice president believe much of the citizens will buy the sports suit. However from the health club will closed five years ago似乎时态又出问题, we can conclude the health club isn't huge and can't contain much people. So we could suspect how much residents prefer to the health club. Even though there are enough citizens to the health club, we also can't believe they will purchase the health food and food which has some good to their health. Even if the resident复数 who like do sports are sufficiency. They may not purchase the sports products of the firm.
Moreover, the custom of the city's residents will be changed.似乎说可能好一些。你在抨击人家的万事不变，你凭什么就说the custom一定会变 As the common sense, people don't prefer do one thing all the time. So we can hypothesize the residents won't like to do sports, say nothing of buying the sports-related products. Then the propose of the vice president will failed.觉得这一整段都太绝对了
Finally, the vice president expect时态 to impact a new generation to let the firm has more develop. Whereas we know the kids are so young, we don't know when they grow up if they will remember the firm and not mention them to buy the products. Or maybe the kids are forced to do sports, then the won't prefer the products even hate to use or buy them. So the purpose won't be realized. So第二个so了，考虑换一个 the support stands on an unexpected assumption.
In sum, the recommendation is stands on unconvincing assumption. To be more convince换成形容词, the arguer must provide more details. Such assuch as可以写成从句啊。你的长句太少了 the previous sales volume of the homogeneous products, and how many residents prefer to do sports and so on. If the arguer could cites more static请教：这个词在这里是什么意思啊？ perhaps the argument will be more convincing.