argument216 互拍。连接。指教。

果小冻UID: 208370

ARGUMENT 216 –
The following appeared in a magazine article about planning for retirement.

"Because of its spectacular natural beauty and consistent climate, Clearview should be a top choice for anyone seeking a place to retire. As a bonus, housing costs in Clearview have fallen significantly during the past year, and real estate taxes remain lower than those in neighboring towns. Nevertheless, Clearview's mayor promises many new programs to improve schools, streets, and public services. Retirees in Clearview can also expect excellent health care as they grow older, since the number of physicians in the area is far greater than the national average."
提纲：
1，        要证明适合退休人居住，还要提供其他更多的信息。
2，        关于房价问题，不一定低。
3，        关于市长的承诺问题，兑现的时间，另外考虑其他人的因素。
4，        医生的水平和数目无关。
Promising a pleasure living environment, fallen housing costs, excellent health care, as well as several public services, the author concludes that Clearview should be the top choice for living after retirement. However, lacking sufficient evidence and detailed analysis, all these seemingly attractive conditions are all unpersuasive to support the suggestion of the author.

To begin with, the spectacular natural beauty and consistent climate are not the single criteria for retirees to choose place to enjoy their afterlife days. Actually, there many such similar places and therefore Clearview may not attract the attention of old people just relying on these two characters. The author needs to provide information, which may reveal the special characters of Clearview, meeting the needs of old people. As to retirees, they are easier to feel lonely than those at work. Consequently, whether there are people at the similar ages or not is rather crucial to them. The author should provide information about residents in Clearview, including their ages, their interests and their daily plans. In addition, the author should make sure that social security there insured by the government. To persuade us, more detailed and representative information should be given, such as the number of police in guard, the rate of crimes over the recent years and so on. In short, the author should take consideration more about the characters of retirees and pay more attention to social security and agreeable neighborhood.

Furthermore, whether the retirees will succeed in buying houses in Clearview at a low price or not is rather open to doubt. The significantly fallen housing costs are based on bonus, but yet no evidence reveals that this policy also benefits those retirees of other places. Maybe only the local people or just those still at work deserve such bonus. The author should tell us the detailed content of this policy of housing costs. In addition, the author fails to provide the original cost of houses in Clearview. It is entirely possible that the housing costs there are still higher than other places though having fallen a lot. Thus, rather than the treads of housing costs, the author should provide us the exact prices of Clearview and other places during these years.

Moreover, mayor’s promises cannot be the strong evidence to further prove the suggestion of author. Just a promise, but no indeed persuasive plans, retirees will have numerous doubt. First, how long will this promise come into reality? It is entirely possible that all these attractive services will not be realized until after a long time. Ten years? As we all know, time is rather a crucial precious to old people. Thus, the author should provide detailed and persuasive plans about how to conduct this promise. Second, is the mayor able to determine the result? In fact, in order to improve schools, streets, and public services, there are many people should make their best efforts, such as the educational department, the financial department and so on. The author should provide information about all these certain departments and people.

The last but not the least, the great number of physicians in the area cannot represent the excellent health care. Though the number is greater than the national average, the work abilities of these physicians have not been mentioned at all. Maybe most of them are eliminated from other places. In short, the author should provide more credible information about their work abilities and their attitudes towards old people.

In sum, in order to persuade retirees, the author should know the characters of them and provide them the most attractive conditions of Clearview according to their preference. In addition, the author needs to offer the exact information about the costs of houses there rather than relying on his or her own assumptions. Also, the author should provide persuasive evidence to insure the promising good services.

智恩UID: 2160717

占坐
上次占了一次坐后来就没找到所以没改
还请小小包涵啊
马上就读这篇

TonyDaisyUID: 2180082

刚写完这篇
发现不是很会写这类
寒得很

TonyDaisyUID: 2180082

大概看了一下，相互学习哈~~没有变色工具。。。结合自己写的提点个人意见吧:)

Promising a pleasure living environment, fallen housing costs, excellent health care, as well as several public services, the author concludes that Clearview should be the top choice for living after retirement. However, lacking sufficient evidence and detailed analysis, all these seemingly attractive conditions are all unpersuasive to support the suggestion of the author.
【开头可以，不过把分句放在前面貌似有点别扭，不过无所谓哈】

To begin with, the spectacular natural beauty and consistent climate are not the single criteria for retirees to choose place to enjoy their afterlife days. Actually, there many such similar places and therefore Clearview may not attract the attention of old people just relying on these two characters. The author needs to provide information, which may reveal the special characters of Clearview, meeting the needs of old people. As to retirees, they are easier to feel lonely than those at work. Consequently, whether there are people at the similar ages or not is rather crucial to them. The author should provide information about residents in Clearview, including their ages, their interests and their daily plans. In addition, the author should make sure that social security there insured by the government. To persuade us, more detailed and representative information should be given, such as the number of police in guard, the rate of crimes over the recent years and so on. In short, the author should take consideration more about the characters of retirees and pay more attention to social security and agreeable neighborhood.
【寒，我的根本就没涉及这一点啊，楼主写了这么多，对比也太强烈了，这一个攻击点是不是很重要哦？仔细看看题目，发现这的确是个攻击点，多少都该写一点的。但觉得楼主稍微发散开了一点，就抓住除风景和气候之外还有其他因素影响退休后居住地的选择就行了吧？】
Furthermore, whether the retirees will succeed in buying houses in Clearview at a low price or not is rather open to doubt. The significantly fallen housing costs are based on bonus, but yet no evidence reveals that this policy also benefits those retirees of other places. Maybe only the local people or just those still at work deserve such bonus. The author should tell us the detailed content of this policy of housing costs. In addition, the author fails to provide the original cost of houses in Clearview. It is entirely possible that the housing costs there are still higher than other places though having fallen a lot. Thus, rather than the treads of housing costs, the author should provide us the exact prices of Clearview and other places during these years.
【房价问题，大概还是说清楚了，再流畅一点就更好了，还有提升的空间，加油！8过是不是对bonus说得太细了点呢？我觉得主要的就是缺乏比较，重点不在于bonus吧，个人意见。】
Moreover, mayor’s promises cannot be the strong evidence to further prove the suggestion of author. Just a promise, but no indeed persuasive plans, retirees will have numerous doubt. First, how long will this promise come into reality? It is entirely possible that all these attractive services will not be realized until after a long time. Ten years? As we all know, time is rather a crucial precious to old people. Thus, the author should provide detailed and persuasive plans about how to conduct this promise. Second, is the mayor able to determine the result? In fact, in order to improve schools, streets, and public services, there are many people should make their best efforts, such as the educational department, the financial department and so on. The author should provide information about all these certain departments and people.
【First后面的写得比较清楚; Second后面觉得有点罗嗦，懂你的意思，但没必要说得那么细化吧？8过不说详细是不是又是分析不深入了捏？疑惑ing~我觉得这点也不好哦分析，说不清楚似的】
The last but not the least, the great number of physicians in the area cannot represent the excellent health care. Though the number is greater than the national average, the work abilities of these physicians have not been mentioned at all. Maybe most of them are eliminated from other places. In short, the author should provide more credible information about their work abilities and their attitudes towards old people.
【这段似乎分析得不够…尤其跟前面相比…也是不好写，寒，说来说去只有这一句…大家都要好好研究一下】
In sum, in order to persuade retirees, the author should know the characters of them and provide them the most attractive conditions of Clearview according to their preference. In addition, the author needs to offer the exact information about the costs of houses there rather than relying on his or her own assumptions. Also, the author should provide persuasive evidence to insure the promising good services.

【貌似有600多个字哦，对阿狗来说是不是多了一点捏？30分钟写完的么？？如果要压缩，就是bonus、B2中second后面的部分。个人意见，仅供参考】

果小冻UID: 208370

谢谢嘿嘿..恩一起进步.可以把连接留下.让我也留个脚印嘛///

智恩UID: 2160717

提纲：
1，   要证明适合退休人居住，还要提供其他更多的信息。
2，   关于房价问题，不一定低。
3，        关于市长的承诺问题，兑现的时间，另外考虑其他人的因素。
4，        医生的水平和数目无关。
Promising a pleasure living environment, fallen housing costs, excellent health care, as well as several public services, the author concludes that Clearview should be the top choice for living after retirement. However, lacking sufficient evidence and detailed analysis, all these seemingly attractive conditions are all unpersuasive to support the suggestion of the author.【开头很好】

To begin with, the spectacular natural beauty and consistent climate are not the single criteria for retirees to choose place to enjoy their afterlife days. Actually, there many【may be/there are many吧】 such similar places and therefore Clearview may not attract the attention of old people just relying on these two characters. The author needs to provide information, which may reveal the special characters of Clearview, meeting the needs of old people. As to retirees, they are easier to feel lonely than those at work. Consequently, whether there are people at the similar ages or not is rather crucial to them. The author should provide information about residents in Clearview, including their ages, their interests and their daily plans. In addition, the author should make sure that social security there insured by the government. To persuade us, more detailed and representative information should be given, such as the number of police in guard, the rate of crimes over the recent years and so on. In short, the author should take consideration more about the characters of retirees【这里是说退休人的性格，特点？不是很通也】 and pay more attention to social security and agreeable neighborhood.

Furthermore, whether the retirees will succeed in buying houses in Clearview at a low price or not is rather open to doubt. The significantly fallen housing costs are based on bonus【没有说房价的巨大下降是基于奖金，我实在没明白这里你的意思；如果是说有这种可能性应该用委婉点的语气】, but yet no evidence reveals that this policy also benefits those retirees of other places. Maybe only the local people or just those still at work deserve such bonus. The author should tell us the detailed content of this policy of housing costs. In addition, the author fails to provide the original cost of houses in Clearview. It is entirely possible that the housing costs there are still higher than other places though having fallen a lot. Thus, rather than the treads of housing costs, the author should provide us the exact prices of Clearview and other places during these years.

Moreover, mayor’s promises cannot be the strong evidence to further prove the suggestion of author. Just a promise, but no indeed persuasive plans, retirees will have numerous doubt. First, how long will this promise come into reality? It is entirely possible that all these attractive services will not be realized until after 【去掉after】a long time. Ten years? As we all know, time is rather a crucial precious to old people. Thus, the author should provide detailed and persuasive plans about how to conduct this promise. Second, is the mayor able to determine the result? In fact, in order to improve schools, streets, and public services, there are many people should make their best efforts【两个动词啦，可以改成there need many people make their best efforts】, such as the educational department, the financial department and so on. The author should provide information about all these certain departments and people.

The last but not the least, the great number of physicians in the area cannot represent the excellent health care. Though the number is greater than the national average, the work abilities of these physicians have not been mentioned at all. Maybe most of them are eliminated from other places. In short, the author should provide more credible information about their work abilities and their attitudes towards old people.

In sum, in order to persuade retirees, the author should know the characters of them and provide them the most attractive conditions of Clearview according to their preference. In addition, the author needs to offer the exact information about the costs of houses there rather than relying on his or her own assumptions. Also, the author should provide persuasive evidence to insure the promising good services.【最后两段都没啥问题】

总的来说，语言和词汇都不错
有点语法小错误
如果限时写成这样我觉得你的argu已经没啥问题了
加油小小～～～