Argument6 第一次贴文，大家多拍拍:)谢~

kgin23UID: 2183064

TOPIC: ARGUMENT6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

In the application, the arguer recommends to open a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable. However, without assuming logically and offering warranted evidence, the author fails to convince this recommendation as it stands.

In the first place, the arguer cites evidence to show that there are enormous big jazz fans in Monroe. However, there is no necessary connection neither of the number of people who present in a jazz festival, nor of the number of jazz musicians lives in a city to the number of jazz fans in this city. People present in a festival perhaps just because it is a festival, since the arguer doesn't provide evidence to ensure that they all jazz fans, it is to simplify to claim that the number of jazz fans is huge.

Moreover, no evidence to prove that the jazz musicians living in Monroe is for the large number of jazz fans there. The convenience or beautiful landscape of this city may be the reason. The musicians may perform elsewhere, perhaps at the club 65 miles away. If that is the case, the arguer cannot assert the assumption that there are a lot of jazz fans in Monroe.

Secondly, given that the number of jazz fans in Monroe is tremendous, it is entirely possible that they don’t want to spend too much money on the jazz entertainment. Although the author cites a nationwide survey to validate the Monroe jazz fans are willing to patronize on jazz, a nationwide study cannot justify that it is the case unless there is evidence that the Monroe jazz fans could typify the nationwide fans. Obviously, the author fails to cite any. Therefore I cannot be convinced by the assumption that there will be would be a tremendous profit. What’s more the author provides no evidence that radio listeners would be interested in present in a jazz club.
       
Finally, the arguer makes unsubstantiated assumption that the enormous jazz fans would certainly guarantee a jazz music club a tremendously profitable enterprise. Commonsense tells us that whether a business would be profitable not just determined by the number of customers it has. If the expense of it such as the rent or the fee paid to the musicians is very high, it would not be so profitable. And the author doesn’t provide any evidence about this.

Sum up, the arguer provide the recommendation with unsubstantiated assumptions and insufficient evidence. To bolster this argument, the author would have to make more logical assumptions and offer more evidence concerning to support.

[ 本帖最后由 staralways 于 2006-3-18 02:45 编辑 ]

hp314UID: 2104321

TOPIC: ARGUMENT6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

In the application, the arguer recommends (加 that 更明确一些)to open a jazz music club in Monroe would be tremendously profitable. However, without assuming logically and offering warranted evidence, the author fails to convince(us of) this recommendation as it stands.
第一段比较简练,部分字句值得斟酌,如"convince sb of sth"的用法一定不能搞错

In the first place, the arguer cites evidence to show that there are enormous big jazz fans in Monroe. However, there is no necessary connection neither of the number of people who present in a jazz festival, nor of the number of jazz musicians lives in a city to the number of jazz fans in this city.(这段话语序比较混乱,可改为"However,neither the number of people who were present in the jazz festival, nor the number of jazz musicians who lives in a city is directly related to the number of jazz fans in this city." People present in a festival perhaps just because it is a festival, since the arguer doesn't provide evidence to ensure that they(are)all jazz fans, it is to simplify(to simplify 是想表示什么意思？建议改为"hasty for the author" )to claim that the number of jazz fans is huge.
这段的表达有很多问题，说理也不够透彻，建议多看看范文，积累好的句子，形成自己的模板，如A certain circumstance might be that.../ The author overlooks the possibility that../There might be other important factors that.../Other possible explanations should be taken into account by the author that...看，要说明有其他可能表达法有多少！选择一两种习惯的就行了，当然如果都能熟练使用，会使文章显得多变，增色不少．一句话，还是先积累吧．

Moreover, no evidence to(去掉to) prove that the jazz musicians living in Monroe is(are) for the large number of jazz fans there. The convenience or beautiful landscape of this city may be the reason. The musicians may perform elsewhere, perhaps at the club 65 miles away. If that is the case, the arguer cannot assert the assumption（没有断言一个假定的说法，去掉"the assumption") that there are a lot of jazz fans in Monroe.

Secondly, given that the number of jazz fans in Monroe is tremendous, it is entirely possible that they don’t want to spend too much money on the jazz entertainment. Although the author cites a nationwide survey to validate the Monroe jazz fans are willing to patronize on jazz, a nationwide study cannot justify that it is the case unless there is (加sufficient,适当的形容词更鲜明，更有说服力）evidence that the Monroe jazz fans could typify the nationwide fans. Obviously, the author fails to cite any. Therefore I cannot be convinced by the assumption that there will be would be a tremendous profit. What’s more（，） the author provides no evidence that radio listeners would be interested in (being) present in a jazz club.
        
Finally, the arguer makes unsubstantiated assumption that the enormous jazz fans would certainly guarantee a jazz music club a tremendously profitable enterprise. Common sense tells us that whether a business would be profitable (or not is )not just determined by the number of customers it has. If the expense of it(its expense) such as the rent or the fee paid to the musicians is very high, it would not be so profitable. And the author doesn’t provide any evidence about this.

(to)Sum up, the arguer provide(s) the recommendation with unsubstantiated assumptions and insufficient evidence. To bolster this argument, the author would have to make more logical assumptions and offer more evidence concerning(concerning是＂关于＂的意思，在这表达什么？去掉就可以了） to support.
最后一段还可对前面内容多稍带一笔，以使逻辑结构更为完整．

总的来说，如果ＬＺ刚开始练习没多久的话，这篇文章算不错的了
如果快要考试了，就得赶紧积累，整理自己的模板，不论怎样都是来得及的

祝ＬＺ好运！：）