标题: argument14 【into the fire】by xiaoy [打印本页] 作者: xiaoy~ 时间: 2009-5-10 01:23:04 标题: argument14 【into the fire】by xiaoy
ARGUMENT14 - The following appeared in a memo from the owner of Green Thumb Gardening Center, a small business serving a suburban town.
"There is evidence that consumers are becoming more and more interested in growing their own vegetables. A national survey conducted last month indicated that many consumers were dissatisfied with the quality of fresh vegetables available in supermarkets. And locally, the gardening magazine Great Gardens has sold out at the Village News stand three months in a row. Thus, we at Green Thumb Gardening Center can increase our profits by greatly expanding the variety of vegetable seeds we stock for gardeners this coming spring."
The author argued that Green Thumb Gargening Center could get increasing in profit through augmenting the preparation for the gardening enthusiasts in the spring of this year. Above all ,it must be sure that the local people feel pleasure to grow their own vegetables. But the author failed.
Firstly, although the author said there was evidence showed more and more people enjoy growing vegetables by themselves, he didn’t give some statistics as the more convincing evidence. And what’s the situation some years ago .There might be few people growing by themselves, then even the number increases now it’s may also very few. Otherwise the author also didn’t tell why these people liked to grow their own vegetables, only because of the dissatisfaction of the supermarkets? Or it’s a special taste of these people? Or because of some other things. They are all influencing for the amount of the requirement of the seeds. The well-sales of the gardening magazine also can’t show it. Because there was nothing told about the content or the consumer groups. We don’t know it is talking about flowers or crops. So it’s failed to improve that more and more people like growing by themselves.
The author showed a national survey about the dissatisfaction of the quality of fresh vegetables sold in supermarkets. The evidence is appropriate. A national survey does not indicate the status of a peri-urban areas. This is likely due to a national survey focused on large cities, the people being investigated are those who live downtown, where going to the supermarket to buy vegetables may be the most important way. But this is obviously a characteristic not matching peri-urban areas.There might even be more likely to buy fresh vegetables, and the people there did not rely on the city's supermarkets. They can go grocery stores or even farm there. But this is only the consumers’ dissatisfaction with the supermarket. It can’t directly due to that they will choose to grow their own vegetables. It is also time-consuming and laborious.
The thought that increasing the kinds of the seeds can bring more profit is arbitrary. Though more kinds means more choices, it also brings high cost. And we also don’t know which kind is welcomed. Another survey is essential.
The end of the above, the thesis argued is too arbitrary, it may even brought about a loss of profit. So the author should make a local survey about how many people want to do their own growing, why, and what kind of seeds they like to know better about the market. Then he will have a more accurate outcome.
作者: 银落 时间: 2009-5-16 22:14:53
本帖最后由 银落 于 2009-5-16 22:19 编辑
argument14 【into the fire】by xiaoy
ARGUMENT14 - The following appeared in a memo from the owner of Green Thumb Gardening Center, a small business serving a suburban town.
"There is evidence that consumers are becoming more and more interested in growing their own vegetables. A national survey conducted last month indicated that many consumers were dissatisfied with the quality of fresh vegetables available in supermarkets. And locally, the gardening magazine Great Gardens has sold out at the Village News stand three months in a row. Thus, we at Green Thumb Gardening Center can increase our profits by greatly expanding the variety of vegetable seeds we stock for gardeners this coming spring."
Orange color means that I consider this part to be good one according to my own poor standard. And the blue one shows what notions I hold on your words, sentences, and the whole structure of your essay. It is essentially possible that I cannot meet your satisfaction as you expected and if I said something wrong and inordinate, please forget that and give me your understanding about that because I don’t intend to do so.
Thanks.
By saya.
The author recommends that Green Thumb Gargening Center could get increasing profits based on the assumption that the gardening enthusiasts in the spring of this year will explode, which is supported by three seemingly reasonable reasons. Above all ,it must be sure that the local people feel pleasure to grow their own vegetables. But the author failed. (最后一句我建议这么写。不过这是我自己写的，没有抄模板句) However, I found it logically unconvincing for none of them can strongly justify such an recommendation.
(话说第一段，我看了觉得好难改啊，因为我自己写的时候是看了北美的挑了几句好句型的，然后觉得你的模板似乎和那个差很远。)
Firstly, although the author said there was evidence showed more and more people enjoy growing vegetables by themselves, he didn’t give some statistics as the more convincing evidence. And what’s the situation some years ago .(难道一开始上来应该说提供是否有兴趣growing vegetables 的statistics吗？我个人认为是对逻辑错误攻击然后指出为什么这个assumption cannot support the fact –当地人对种菜有兴趣，然后再列出哪些其他的可能性)。There might be few people growing by themselves, then even the number increases now it’s may also very few. Otherwise the author also didn’t tell why these people liked to grow their own vegetables,（事实上应该说那些逻辑错误无法推断people like to grow their own vegetable,而不是说they like to grow their own vegetable only because the dissatisfaction,这个应该放在指出错误之后的可能性中说。） only because of the dissatisfaction of the supermarkets? Or it’s a special taste of these people? Or because of some other things. They are all influencing for the amount of the requirement of the seeds. The well-sales of the gardening magazine also can’t show it. （magazine这一段应该另起一段，因为这个逻辑错误是属于较大的那种，不应该和其他放在一段里）Because there was nothing told about the content or the consumer groups. We don’t know it is talking about flowers or crops. So it’s failed to improve that more and more people like growing by themselves.
(话说第二段我也实在不是特别明白里面的逻辑，而且似乎很多逻辑错误点都可以分段一一展开攻击的，却都合并在一起。)
The author showed a national survey about the dissatisfaction of the quality of fresh vegetables sold in supermarkets. The evidence is appropriate.（这句话加了我觉得似乎没有必要） A national survey does not conspicuously indicate the status of a peri-urban areas. It is essentially possible that due to a national survey focusing on large cities, people being investigated are most likely those who live downtown, where going to the supermarket to buy vegetables may be the most important way. But this is obviously a characteristic not matching rural(可以变换其它词的，我觉得你在复合词方面用得特别好) areas. There might even be more likely to buy fresh vegetables,（是想说有更多买vegetable 的places吗？我觉得这句话不对. 改成，moreover, places providing fresh vegetable are not limited only to supermarkets, but can be somewhere else such as grocery, peddling, and other retailers.） and the people there did not rely on the city's supermarkets. They can go grocery stores or even farm there.（这句就和上面和在一起了，我改的句子里都包括进去了） But what has been presented by the owner is only the consumers’ dissatisfaction with the supermarket. It can’t directly due to that they will choose to grow their own vegetables. It is also time-consuming and laborious.(this reason can be added behind the first point central sentence)
The thought that increasing the kinds of the seeds can bring more profit is arbitrary. 我建议这么改（it is arbitrary to confidently draw a conclusion that increasing the kinds of the seed can bring more profits to the company according to the unconvincing reasoning.）Though more kinds means more choices, it also call for high cost. And we also don’t know which kind is welcomed. Another survey is essential. (我觉得所有的建议可以都放在最后一段说)
At the end of this essay, the thesises offered by the owner is too presumptuous, it just as likely that
a loss of profit will even happen if the recommendation is taken seriously into practice. Accordingly, the author should make a local survey about how many people want to do their own growing, why, and what kind of seeds they are in favor of so as to know better about the market. Then he will have a more accurate advice which ultimately increases the profits of Green Thumb Gardening Center.
(孩子，我真的建议你去背一下模板哦，虽然很多人不建议这么做，但为了考试，这还是必要的,然后,我觉得你在用一些关键词方面是很好的…><....好厉害呀...呵呵...加油...~)
"The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."
Orange color means that I consider this part to be good one according to my own poor standard. And the blue one shows what notions I hold on your words, sentences, and the whole structure of your essay. It is essentially possible that I cannot meet your satisfaction as you expected and if I said something wrong and inordinate, please forget that and give me your understanding about that because I don’t intend to do so.
Thanks.
By saya.
With the progress of science and technology, a lot of technology products come into our lives and change
our lives. One of them is video cameras, which can record the contemporary life in so accurate and convincing way that many people think when compared with written records it’s more convenient. Gradually it becomes a more important form of documentation. But it can’t completely replace written records as I see it. 最好在加上一点written records 的优点。
What so-called video is an electronical technology tool, which can capture, record, process, store, transmit, and reconstruct a sequence of still images representing scenes in motion. One of its considerable merit is that it can provides an accurate record of temporal and spatial event without any misunderstanding which often occurs to people when reading some written records because paper can’t clearly present what had happened. To different readers, different perceptions appear according to for their own distinct imaginations and experiences. Video can give a reproduction of the scene, by which people who never experiences such occasion is able to merge into very atmosphere and is even given the feelings to touch almost everything that time.
However, “the considerable merit” of video shows another fact that video can only record the façade(那个。。。我实在是不懂啊) of the thing, then it becomes a shortcoming. Video cannot competently provide huge rooms for people’s insight(不是洞察力的意思吗？。。我不懂为什么放在这里) in mind because documents can carry not only cultural background and metaphoric imaginations. Written records can describe inner world of the people. Sometimes we need to sense something unique through the background and imaginations. Taking reading novels for example, different people will have different understanding, which leading to different realization of details, while video often astricts(我也不知道这词能不能用这里，但我觉得感觉好好耶..很学究的感觉,因为我不认识><) the wild thoughts of the people. Furthermore, many successful novels now are adapted to films(很好的例子，我没有想到过耶). If you watch the film before having read the original book, it might be impossible to get other new imaginations or fancy thoughts about the story and its dramatic personas beyond the film. Accordingly, the value of watching the success(?) has been
limited and then discounted(这个词用得好好呀). Also，video also lacks the deep meditation and profoundity(这词也很好) that like the connotative clou(?) of a sentence written down onto a paper.
On the other hand, there are two compelling argument against assertion that video is to take place of written records. The first is that written records are more authoritative and can be saved for a longer time. So if we want to record the history or clauses in law, we often prefer to write them down onto the paper so as to save them as books or documents, which provide more clear meaning between the lines for generations. The second one, and perhaps the most important one, as I see it, is that video cameras are not used as frequently as written records. Firstly, they are too expensive for most people, especially in developing nations. Secondly, compared with paper, video cameras are not so convenient to carry with. The way to use them is more complex than just writing words on the papers at any rate. In a public realm, video records often cause the problem offending intimate things as it is too accurate and too truthful.(其实可以再论证一段，这个观点也是很好的)
In sum, the written records have its steady value which can never replaced by video, we shouldn’t ignore the merit of the video.(我认为换一下比较好，though the video has its steady value which can never be placed by written records, we should lose sight of the merit of the written records.) If we can make best use of technology without abandoning traditional methods(我觉得突然出现tradition methods会有点突然，因为前面一直都没有提到written records are traditional methods), two together can display a more beautiful and vivid record world to us, resulting from a multimedia(这个词也很好) world.