标题: 0910G【Try Best】第一小组 argument238 by nlhust [打印本页] 作者: nlhust 时间: 2009-5-25 20:30:45 标题: 0910G【Try Best】第一小组 argument238 by nlhust
本帖最后由 nlhust 于 2009-5-25 20:39 编辑
ARGUMENT238
"At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."
耗时：1.5h 字数：441
Based on the assumption that more students of Green Mountain College find appropriate jobs than those in Mira Vista College and it is caused by the more business courses and more job counselors in Green Mountain College, the speaker asserts that Mira Vista's graduates need more training in business and computer technology and more advices on resumes and interviewing skills. But there are some weakness in the assummption and the speaker fails to show us the connection between the recommended reform and the better job offers clearly.
First of all, the speaker unfairly concludes that GMC's students did better in finding jobs than students of MVC based on the mere fact that 70 percent of the students who informed the placement office of seeking job had finally got full-time jobs within three months after graduation and only half of them were employed in their major field of study. How can we tell how many students found pleasant jobs but never told the placement about their plan of seeking job? Also, no factual information is offered to ensure that whether those GMC's students all found full-time jobs or whether they did jobs relevant to their majors. Therefore, it is possible that the students graduates from MVC did as well as the GMC's students when finding their jobs, in which case there is no need for MVC to take the same action as what GMC does.
Even if the GMC's students really find better jobs than the MVC's students, the speaker's assumption that students of Green Mountain College get job offers just because they take more business courses and have more job counselors might be wrong. Too many factors can help students to find good job offers, not only those two mentioned in the argument. Maybe GMC(Green Mountain College) is much more famous than MVC(Mira Vista College) and students graduated from the former performed better than those from MVC in recent years so that employers are more willing to sign with graduates of GMC. If this is the fact, then no matter how many business and computer courses are added or how many more job counselors are hired, the problem with students' finding jobs will not change in MVC.
What's more, even if the speaker's conclusion about students' difficulties in finding employment and the assumption mentioned above is right, it is unreasonable to recommend the College to add courses in computer technology. No information shows that computer knowledge will help students in finding employment.
Anyway, without more specific information and evidences, the speaker cannot convince us that offering more courses in business and computer technology and additional job counselors will be a good way to helping the MVC's graduates find employment.
ARGUMENT238
"At nearby Green Mountain College, which has more business courses and more job counselors than does Mira Vista College, 90 percent of last year's graduating seniors had job offers from prospective employers. But at Mira Vista College last year, only 70 percent of the seniors who informed the placement office that they would be seeking employment had found full-time jobs within three months after graduation, and only half of these graduates were employed in their major field of study. To help Mira Vista's graduates find employment, we must offer more courses in business and computer technology and hire additional job counselors to help students with their resumés and interviewing skills."
耗时：1.5h
字数：441
Based on the assumption that more students of Green Mountain College find appropriate jobs than those in Mira Vista College and it is caused by the more business courses and more job counselors in Green Mountain College, the speaker asserts that Mira Vista's graduates need more training in business and computer technology and more advices on resumes and interviewing skills.(三个and,建议把这个句子切开或者用并列结构) But there are some weakness in the assummption (assumption)and the speaker fails to show us the connection between the recommended reform and the better job offers clearly.
First of all, the speaker unfairly concludes that GMC's（使用缩写时应该在第一次全称后附说明） students did better in finding jobs than students of MVC based on the mere fact that 70 percent of the students who informed the placement office of seeking job had finally got full-time jobs within three months after graduation and only half of them were employed in their major field of study.（这一句重复题目。而且一举包括了fact里的三个点，建议分开写。合在一起后文的攻击目标就比较模糊） How can we tell（承接词感觉不是很专业） how many students found pleasant jobs but never told the placement about their plan（s） of seeking job? Also, no factual information is offered to ensure that whether those GMC's students all found full-time jobs or whether they did jobs relevant to their majors. Therefore, it is possible that the students graduates(ed)（写着写着就忘了前面的时态了吧？不过个人认为这种陈述性的语句用一般现在时就可以了。) from MVC did as well as the GMC's students when finding their jobs, in which case there is no need for MVC to take the same action as what GMC does.（1.对就业率只提出一个假设；2.简单否定了就业质量的问题。总觉攻击力度不够。）
Even if the GMC's students really find better jobs than the MVC's students, the speaker's assumption that students of Green Mountain College get job offers just because they take more business courses and have more job counselors（此句可简化） might be wrong. Too many factors can help students to find good job offers, not only those two mentioned in the argument. Maybe GMC(Green Mountain College)（此处参见第三条建议） is much more famous than MVC(Mira Vista College) and students graduated from the former performed better than those from MVC in recent years so that employers are more willing to sign（？） with graduates of GMC. If this is the fact, then no matter how many business and computer courses are added or how many （more？） job counselors are hired, the problem with(of) students' finding jobs will not change（be solved） in MVC.（没有具体攻击job counselors）
What's more, even if the speaker's conclusion about students' difficulties in finding employment and the assumption mentioned above is right, it is unreasonable to recommend the College to add courses in computer technology. No information shows that computer knowledge will help students in finding employment(jobs).
Anyway, without more specific information and evidences, the speaker cannot convince us that offering more courses in business and computer technology and additional job counselors will be a good way to helping the MVC's graduates find employment(get employed).（这样的结尾，给人感觉是其实整篇文章都是承认MVC的就业率比较低，和第二段的攻击矛盾了，只要说明无需开设课程雇佣职业策划师即可）