0910G 同主题写作第5期 Argument65 WDI小组 By neu龙卷风

neu龙卷风UID: 2513096

Argument65.The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.


"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from. Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."




This argument involves several points that are especially controversial. First the date provided by the author does not indicate that what happened in the newest store may not happen in the other stores as a common principle; in other words, the best sales of five domestic cheeses may have a vague future in others. In addition, the reliability and generalization of the survey are trapped into unconvincing evidence to prove the conclusion. The argument also fails to take account into other factors but simply to make decision to limit the imported cheese in the warehouse directory. I will discuss each of the point in turn.

When focusing on some proofs, we must center on the relationship between the condition described by the evidence and the fact and must ask to ourselves whether the evidence applied in the reality and whether the evidence is popular and representative? In this argument, the author states that the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin, but this chain stores has so many retails all over the country and maybe other stores have different sales condition if the imported cheeses are preferred by customers in other cities. The reason why the especial sales condition in the newest stores is that these new stores are established in the area where people’s revenue is under the average amount of the country and the price of the domestic cheese is low. So the reason can explain the phenomenon and the evidence apparently can not hold the final conclusion in the argument.


The survey can not be convincing because of its generalization and reliability. First of all, the informants are merely some subscribers who are insignificant to this argument in that the number of the informants is limited which can not reflect the common preference among the people in the country and the ages of informants are not clear which results in that the result could be applied only a small group of consumers . An effective survey method is to investigate different ages and people in distinct areas, and especially the number must be enough. Furthermore, the reliability of the survey is doubted as the survey may have some inclination, in the other words the objective of the survey is too obscure. If the magazine only organize a activity to invite the customers to comment and prefer some sorts but limited of cheeses, absolutely the result is insignificant. Accordingly the magazine must tell the aim and background of the survey to convince us at this point.

Finally the author fails to consider other factors but simply make a conclusion that we should reduce the imported chesses in the directory. For example compared with the domestic chesses although the amount of the preference of the imported product is limited, their profits are surprisingly higher than them which is acceptable to the stores and help their sales more effectively. So, it is reasonable to keep the imported products in the warehouse and the decider ought to see the overall picture rather than some strokes.

In conclusion, the argument, while it seems logical at first, has several flaws as discussed above. The argument could be improved by providing evidence that the proof should be popular and applied in common place and the survey should be reliable and generalized. The author should figure out the plan caring more details, more considerations, which can lead the final best strategy.

xydengUID: 2472724

不好意思啊，因为早上我家断网了，现在才弄好，所以现在发上来。说明：蓝色表示有问题的或者在中间插入短语、单词之类的地方，红色是我改过的，认为应该要改成的地方，还有建议。
Argument65.The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from. Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."


This argument involves several points that are especially controversial. First the date provided by the author does not indicate that what happened in the newest store may not happen in the other stores as a common principle; in other words, the best sales of five domestic cheeses may have a vague future in others. In addition, the reliability and generalization of the survey are trapped into unconvincing evidence to prove the conclusion. The argument also fails to take account into other factors but simply to（不用加to吧？make decision和前面的fails to take account into other factors都同是谓语） make (应该是makes) decision to limit the imported cheese in the warehouse directory. I will discuss each of the point in turn.

开门见山的开头很好,而且在首段就指出了所有flaws。没发现什么大的问题，这种开头我要学习一下。HOHO~~~~

When focusing on some proofs, we must center on the relationship between the condition described by the evidence and the fact and must ask to ourselves whether the evidence applied in the reality and whether the evidence is popular and representative. (我总感觉首句应该总结出该段的topic, 应该指出该段要批的flaw是什么。而且，感觉这句话有点Chinglish的倾向哦，呵~~~ 而且，这句话没有概括出主要的flaw要点。句子本身有点问题，比如ask sb sth,然后你多写了一个to.然后你在这句用的popular是想指普遍性的意思么？我觉得用universal 或prevalent更好吧？)In this argument, the author states that the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin, but this chain stores （应该是store吧？） has so many retails all over the country and maybe other stores have different sales condition if （if在这表示啥意思？用一个that，做前面sales condition 的同位语。）the imported cheeses are preferred by customers in other cities. The reason （不能说是reason吧？只能说是你的一个推测，有可能是这样吧？我觉得用possibility更好）why the especial sales condition in the newest stores is（may be） that these new stores are established in the area where people’s revenue is under the average amount of the country and the price of the domestic cheese is low. So the reason applied in the memo（加个定语限定是memo的作者所提出的理由更好吧？用reason会有误解，就是是你自己辩驳作者所提出的reason） can (我觉得加一个merely 或者just会更有说服力) explain the phenomenon in the newest store (要限定一下作者提出的那个理由只能说明是最新开张的商店的现象，所以我觉得应该加一个in the newest store) and the evidence apparently can not hold the final conclusion in the argument.

在这一段中，你指出了the newest store and Wisconsin 两个漏洞，这很好。我觉得还有一些小的漏洞也可以驳斥一下，一个是last year这个时间点，这只能说明是last year的情况，不能保证现在以及将来也是维持这样的情况。

The survey can not be convincing because of its generalization and reliability.这句话不太通吧？翻译成中文就成了，因为这个调查的概括性和可信度，这个调查不能让人信服。貌似有点说不清楚。First of all, the informants are merely some subscribers who are insignificant to this argument in that the number of the informants is limited which can not reflect the common preference among the people in the country and the ages of informants are not clear which results in that the result could be applied only a small group of consumers . 这个句子太长了，我觉得GRE作文的写作并非句子越长句式越复杂越好，还是要意思明确，简洁明了。 An effective survey method is to investigate different ages and people in distinct areas and especially the number must be enough. (感觉这样表达有点怪怪的) Furthermore, the reliability of the survey is doubted as the survey may have some inclination, in the other words the objective of the survey is too obscure. If the magazine only organize a （an） activity to invite the customers to comment and prefer some sorts but limited of cheeses, absolutely the result is insignificant. Accordingly the magazine must tell the aim and background of the survey to convince us at this point.

这一段驳斥的点主要在于这个survey是否具有代表性和可信性。你指出了这一点，但是感觉展开的时候有点重复啰嗦。应该要明确反驳的漏洞，分成几个层次。比如说，你可以先驳斥survey是否具有代表性，再驳斥可信性问题。这样就是两个大的层次，然后再在各个层次展开分论点。

Finally the author fails to consider other factors but simply make (makes) a conclusion that we should reduce the imported chesses in the directory. For example compared with the domestic chesses although the amount of the preference of the imported product is limited, their profits are surprisingly higher than them， which is acceptable to the stores and help their sales more effectively.（这一定语从句应该是限定整个句子的吧？which指的是their profits are surprisingly higher than them吧？如果我没理解错误的话，那么这个定语从句应该和前面的句子要加个逗号） So, it is reasonable to keep the imported products in the warehouse and the decider ought to see the overall picture rather than some strokes.

In conclusion, the argument, while it seems logical at first, has several flaws as discussed above. The argument could be improved by providing evidence that the proof should be popular and applied in common place and the survey should be reliable and generalized. The author should figure out the plan caring more details, more considerations, which can lead the final best strategy.

总的来说，文章的思路还是很清晰的，就是在展开的过程中有一些小瑕疵，有一些表达没有明确地表达出你的意思。还有一点，整篇文章的模板化倾向有点重。比如一些话，When focusing on some proofs, we must center on the relationship between the condition described by the evidence and the fact and must ask to ourselves whether the evidence applied in the reality and whether the evidence is popular and representative. 还有An effective survey method is to investigate different ages and people in distinct areas and especially the number must be enough.其实，你大可以针对这道题具体找出这方面的原因，而不是说套话。O(∩_∩)O~呵呵。以上意见仅供参考，互相学习互相帮助哈~~~~

xydengUID: 2472724

呀，貌似间距没调好，看得不清楚，你放到Word里面看哈，不好意思