标题: 0910AW 同主题写作第十期 ISSUE48 by lazionesta [打印本页] 作者: lazionesta 时间: 2009-8-6 18:29:37 标题: 0910AW 同主题写作第十期 ISSUE48 by lazionesta
这是第一次写成文，还有一周多一点就考试了~~期待指点
这是没限时之后的修改稿，改了一下拼写错误以及我觉得不通顺的句子
求指教~先谢过了~~
TOPIC: ISSUE48 - "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."
WORDS: 603
TIME: 01:10:27
DATE: 2009-8-6 18:12:14
提纲：
1.
被记住的名人在历史中起到决定性的作用
2.
历史中有时对英雄过于强调，也应看到人民的力量必不可少
3.
但是，历史很难准确记录大众的作用，所以我们把famous few作为代表
4.
famous few 的确代表了同时代人民的意愿，所以在历史事件中作为代表人物也合情合理
Most significant events in history embarked with famous heroes. Sometimes the famous few become the symbols of those events. So some people assert that we should evaluate the importance of groups of people in these events, since these events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people. I partly agree this statement, as groups of people played the necessary role in those remarkable events. But I also want to point out that the famous individuals in such historical events are definitely crucial.
We remember the famous few in historical events because of their outstanding minds, courage and ideas. We recalled them as heroes due to their pushing roles in those historical events. With French people's support, Napoleon won plenty of battles against Italy and then Egypt. He broke down the corrupt domination of the feudality, and established the democracy in France, making France the first democratic country in the world. We surly admit that he couldn't have achieved this huge success without the power of groups of people, but it also occurs to us when he lost the battle in Waterloo in 1815, those people were still on his side. But Napoleon underestimated the force of Prussia army, and ended up with a huge failure. From Napoleon's experience, we can conclude that the crucial individuals in significant events played the pushing role. So their names remained in history books, representing the memorable events for generations to admire.
Meanwhile, we should also notice that sometimes, we give too much space to the famous few in our study of history. We really need to value the mass people appropriately in these remarkable events. Without the masses' power, the individual couldn't successfully get those achievements. Thousands of soldiers sacrifice on the battlefield to defend Britain under the leadership of Winston Churchill. It is unfair to just carved Churchill's name in the memory of history. And another significant event which reveals the masses' crucial role is the breaking-through of Bastille's beleaguer, which perfectly demonstrate the power of groups of people. And thanks to them, the feudality power collapsed. This is a huge progress in history, and it’s owed to the brave people in Paris. We should evaluate the importance of groups people in these events, regarding them as heroes for generations to remember.
At the same time, we should also recognize an important fact that it is really difficult to record the entire masses accurately in history books. So granted there are always the famous fews’ names in the study of history. By stating those names in history documents, we can memorize the remarkable events easier, so we gradually take these names as the symbols of those events. We must understand that this doesn't mean that we neglect the significant contribution of the masses, we just take the famous few as their represents.
On the other hand, the outstanding individuals reflect the majority of the masses in those important history events. The hero of the time is just the outstanding example of the people at that time. They represented the trends and the willingness of the people of their times. As the result, the masses were willing to take his or her leadership, and fought for their common goal.
To sum up, both the famous few and the groups of people play a crucial role in those significant events. We should evaluated both sides when study the history. But for the pratical perspective, most times we need to emphasis on individuals to memorize the history. As these famous few reflect the majority of the masses in those important history events, it is quite reasonable to do so.作者: melodyfeather 时间: 2009-8-10 00:26:00
总评：搂住的语言非常好，但是有的时候会出现完全可以并为长句的短句群，就是主语完全一样，两句之间的联系也很紧，用that或者连词就可以整合为一句。建议多多练习使用长句，当然不必太长，有一个层从句就算长句了，多层的话那是GRE阅读，不是GRE作文
还有论证是非常清晰的，但是建议把人民的作用放到前面来，我怕美国人的智商看不懂这样折过来又折过去的表达方式
TOPIC: ISSUE48 - "The study of history places too much emphasis on individuals. The most significant events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people whose identities have long been forgotten."
WORDS: 603
TIME: 01:10:27
DATE: 2009-8-6 18:12:14
提纲：
1.
被记住的名人在历史中起到决定性的作用
2.
历史中有时对英雄过于强调，也应看到人民的力量必不可少
3.
但是，历史很难准确记录大众的作用，所以我们把famous few作为代表
4.
famous few 的确代表了同时代人民的意愿，所以在历史事件中作为代表人物也合情合理
Most significant events in history embarked with famous heroes. Sometimes the famous few become the symbols of those events. So some people assert that we should evaluate the importance of groups of people in these events, since these events and trends in history were made possible not by the famous few, but by groups of people. I partly agree（with） this statement, as groups of people played the necessary role in those remarkable events(这句我比较习惯用that来连接). But I also want to point out that the famous individuals in such historical events are definitely crucial.
We remember the famous few in historical events because of their outstanding minds, courage and ideas. We recalled them as heroes due to their pushing roles in those historical events.（这两句的意思重了，最好用分号，或者将他们的推动作用归功于他们的才能，这样就有深入分析的感觉） With French people's support, Napoleon won plenty of battles against Italy and then Egypt. He broke down the corrupt domination of the feudality, and established the democracy in France, making France the first democratic country in the world. We surly admit that he couldn't have achieved this huge success without the power of groups of people, but it also occurs to us when he lost the battle in Waterloo in 1815, those people were still on his side（这个事实的作用好像不怎么明了，加一点阐释吧）. But Napoleon underestimated the force of Prussia army, and ended up with a huge failure（这句没什么用）. From（on,因为是conclude的介词） Napoleon's experience, we can conclude that the crucial individuals in significant events played the pushing role. So their names remained in history books, representing the memorable events for generations to admire.
总的来说，楼主最好强调一下Napoleon具体的个人作用，比如在他之前很多人有类似的想法但只因为缺乏领导就失败了，或者提一下他的某些独特理念，光是群众的态度感觉不能说明太多问题。
Meanwhile, we should also notice that sometimes, we give too much space to the famous few in our study of history. We really need to value the mass people appropriately in these remarkable events. Without the masses' power, the individual couldn't successfully get（用attain吧？get这个词尽量以搭配形式出现或者考场上实在想不出动词的时候用比较合适） those achievements. Thousands of soldiers sacrifice on the battlefield to defend Britain under the leadership of Winston Churchill. It is unfair to just carved Churchill's name in the memory of history. And another significant event which reveals the masses' crucial role is the breaking-through of Bastille's beleaguer, which perfectly demonstrate the power of groups of people. And thanks to them, the feudality power collapsed. This is a huge progress in history, and it’s owed to the brave people in Paris（这句用从句联系起来会不会好些？）. We should evaluate the importance of groups（of） people in these events, regarding them as heroes for generations to remember（我不太清楚是不是有这样的表达，搂住能不能给个权威例句？我只会用to be remembered by generations）.
At the same time, we should also recognize an important fact that it is really difficult to record the entire masses accurately in history books. So granted（这是固定搭配吗？我看不太明白） there are always the famous fews’ names(这句word不给通过，保险起见我会用names of the few) in the study of history. By stating those names in history documents, we can memorize the remarkable events easier, so we gradually take these names as the symbols of those events. We must understand that this doesn't mean that we neglect the significant contribution of the masses, we（用but ,然后可以合并主语） just take the famous few as their represents.
On the other hand, the outstanding individuals reflect the majority of the masses in those important history events. The hero of the time is just the outstanding example of the people at that time. They represented the trends and the willingness of the people of their times.（这两句合起来好了，主语是同一个，然后把两次出现的time中的一次省掉） As the (a) result, the masses were willing to take his or her leadership, and fought for their common goal.
To sum up, both the famous few and the groups of people play a crucial role in those significant events. We should evaluated both sides when study the history（我不太敢这么用，会把when去掉，直接用studying）. But for the practical perspective, most times we need to emphasis on individuals to memorize the history. As these famous few reflect the majority of the masses in those important history events, it is quite reasonable to do so（把it is 这句提到前面去，貌似外国人喜欢先看结论再看解释）.