7.20 vivi凌

jjooyyUID：2704028

1# liuxiaoyin

In recent years, it has become a common phenonmena that businessmen are exposed to offer bribe to officials and produce low-quality product. Consequently, some people draw the conclusion that businessmen are only motivatied by the desire of money. In my view, however, I don't agree with this opinion. I would like to list several reasons to support my viewpoint. 这个背景写得好啊!赞一个!

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In the first place, the fact that businessmen bear greater pressure and more fierce competition throw them into cut-throat competition.
It seems unfire(?unfair?) to attribute all the blames and criticisms to the businessmen. To take the case of SanLu Companyas, one of the most famous factory which produce dried milk(milk powder之类的巴) in China, as an example, this company went bankrupt since some children got food potsioning after drinking(having) its product. In fact, it's a potential priciple（潜规则？有点chiglish，因为principle更多的是指好的） for companies to add these poisonous additives in the Chinese dried milk industory, SanLu Company just add too much since Sanlu sell its products in a very low price and consequently in order to survive（两句话，断开） it had no choice. $ `9 F3 K4 F. ^) z

What's more, it's natural for companies to try their best to struggle to survive and make profit. Since the persons who runthe company burden（take） a high risk and spend a lot of time and money in their career, these businessmen are motivated by the willingness to earn their livings and need for self accomplishment. （那又是为什么有这样的动机呢？没讲清楚啊）What's more, many businessmen have a strong sense that they should be responsible for their employees' life. The trend that increasing benefit level and better employer-employee relationship is a sound evidence to warrant this sense of responsibility.
这段讲的有点杂，主题句是 it is natural...，中间再讲其他的动机。。

1 q* p, ~3 ]" @# P( S! e% ^All in all, the opinion that businessmen are merely motivated by desire of money is unreasonable and unfair because the bad performance to some extent due to the unhealthy market conditions; Moreover, businessmen are just want to survive and burden the obligation to their empolyees.

建议多写一点，是计时写的吗？不是的话可以再多些一段哦！另外burden这个词不能乱用，个人觉得你用的两个地方都不是太好