issue212 ［展翅高飞］dicmi 第六次issue作业

runningpiggyUID：194977

seated...

dicmiUID：183392

赫赫。期待。。谢谢嘉：）

runningpiggyUID：194977

太久没改文章，今天改一篇就头晕脑胀的，明天再给你改。。。

weiweiwawaUID：2208145

我和你写的同一个题目，看了你的习作，觉得语言上没什么大问题
但我觉得BODY2和BODY3随让你自己想的意思不一样，但是卸车来得东西感觉是一养的
我得主题最后一段也写写的使用法律和教育来约束人们，但切入点和你不一样
至于你说BODY少一段的话，下面使我得习作，你对比一下，也好给极快转头阿～～嘿嘿
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

还有一个问题～～例子
我觉得，特别是你的 BODY2 用了好多反问，其实就是例子。你的BODY3也给了三个。我不知道这样堆砌例子是否合适。因为我例子储备粮小，喜欢一两个例子加自己的推理，所有，例子到底怎么用才好那？
涡轮看了ETS给的范文，大多就是一个或两三个例子展开全文。。。作者把例子说得很细很透。我们例子一多，只好泛泛而谈，这样会不会写出来没深度那？？？？

dicmiUID：183392

恩。。这么多例子也是在限时失败的情况下才写多的。
从一个方面说，就是例子多了，才超时
考试的时候应该会少写点例子吧。。。

我去参考参考你的文章吧：）
谢谢你的建议：）

runningpiggyUID：194977

As the well-known proverb goes that "Every way leads to Roma", that[引导非限制性定从只能用which] means people could take a variety [缺of]ways to achieve their goals.[As后面是从句，可是主句不见了] Among so many different means, are there any requirements that determine whether certain way can be taken or not?[不要为了回答问题而提出问题，直接用陈述句说就好了] Some people assert that if only[if only是如果怎样怎样就好了的意思，这里应该把only去掉] the goal is worthy, any means is justifiable. Nevertheless, I cannot agree with the speaker[前面说some people，这里怎么就变speaker了] except the means are reasonable and legal, based on the following aspects. [还过得去的开头，可惜第一句就有语法问题，这是很致命的，会让读文章的人对文章的印象大打折扣。另外就是有点过长，前面的背景介绍可以缩短一点，把篇幅和时间留给后面具体段落里的论述。最后就是论点句，我个人比较不认同在论点句中出现不同意什么什么这样的说法，最好的应该是你同意什么就写什么，你的观点究竟是怎样就怎样写，不要扯到别人的观点，论点句要简练，清晰，这样才能是观点更为明确地表达出来]

Admittedly,[不建议上来就让步，在时间控制上还不是很熟练的时候，很容易导致后面的写你的观点的段落篇幅不足] the prosperity of our society, [才两个并列，最好用个and这样的连接词]the development of science and technology are largely attributable to people's endeavors guided by goals.[很好的TS，非常清楚] Only by setting a goal first,[不要逗号] can we devote our efforts following a certain means next.[这句后面这里我没看太懂] Consider, Nobel, for example. Without his fearless test on detonator, it is still impossible for us to efficiently exploit a mine, or build a dam till today.[其实这里用个if的虚拟语气会更显功底] Meanwhile, Edison's enduring efforts made on the material of bulb filament even after thousands of failures finally illuminated the darkness all over the world.[精彩的一句] Moreover, more than[我不确定这里用more than行不行，但我可以肯定besides是没有问题的] the scientific world, it is the same in politic area. Back to the World War Two, we are informed that the allied forces carried out the war against the Nazi for the peace for their people, for[不要for，直接用个and就好了] their nations. Needless to say, the worthwhile goals, as well as appropriate means they adopted, contribute greatly to everything that we can enjoy today. [结构上问题不大，可是结束得太突然，举完例之后需要简单地分析例子，比如这些人的手段为什么是appropriate的文中就没有提及，总体来说是不错的一段]

Nevertheless, could any means be accepted if only the goal is worthy?[跟前面一样，不要为了回答问题而提出问题，issue中最好完全是陈述句。而且以这样作为段落的TS也让人看得不爽] Of course, the answer should be no.[罗嗦了，of course not就行了] The author here[here多余] overemphasizes the goals' worthwhile[worthwhile不是名词，用value之类的就好了] [这里需要and连接]neglects the means' importance. Simply put, obviously, could we allow such a research program, [缺引导代词]use human subjects in biochemical experiment in order to get scientific data, just like what the Nazi scientist did to concentration camp prisoners during World War Two? Could we ratify such a suggestion,[这里应该是一个同位语从句，可是没写出来] cloning human-beings[不要连字符] in order to cut a leg from the clones for the transplants of patients, for example, the car accidents victims? Or could we accept the idea that[同位语从句后面是一个完整的句子，这里有语病] to steal the money from people in order to subsidize the poor orphans who are not able to feed themselves? Or could we agree with some politicians, like Nixon, [缺to]put a bug in the Watergate Building in order to win the election?[我非常同意排比的写法，非常有气势，不过以后请注意语法，如果排比的句子中有很多语病，那还不如不要排比] Doubtlessly, we simply cannot adopt all those unreasonable means even though their goals seem to be worthy, especially for themselves. [前面的排比用的都是一般疑问句，需要一个回答才行，如果不回答，那请用特殊疑问句。如果能写出这样的排比，其实论证是否完备已经不重要，读者已经被排比的气势所吓倒而完全失去理智，无法判定你的这段逻辑上是不是说得通。当然，如果开头结尾能写好些那就更好了]

Furthermore, certain measures should be set and enforced strictly to ensure the means people adopted never deviated from the right way.[很清晰的TS，很好] Without those laws, in the interest of some seemingly worthy goals, people are very[very多余] likely to take some easier but illegal means and thus endanger other people's interests.[看完后面我建议你在这里加上一句，这种情况在政治，经济和文化领域都有所体现。为了文章结构的清晰，如果在分领域举例之前能说这么一句，会给读者很好的印象] An apt example to illustrate this point may[怎么这么不肯定的语气，用should比较好] be Adolph Hitler, the leader of Nazi German[y]. During the World War Two, in order to conquer the world, he adopted so extreme means, including wars, massacre and the like, that[which] brought worldwide disasters to human-beings. Fortunately, nowadays, with the maturity of modern law systems, kinds of laws could [be]used to serve as this function. The Korean professor, who cheated in his biological experiment in order to publish his paper on the famous magazine[缺逗号] Science, not only lost all his reputation but also impeached[这里应该是被动语态] and punished by both the people and the laws. Again, in the economical area, Enron, once one of the biggest companies in America whose intent[was] to gain more profit, finally dissolved into bankruptcy due to its accounting, tax, and stock fraud.[跟前面类似的问题，这里需要简要地分析一下例子，例子和你的论点是怎么搭上的这个问题并没说过] Hence, with the help of existed laws as well as the ethical standard, the means could be soundly estimated and restricted before applying, so as to avoid unnecessary damages. [论述手段跟前面的一段类似，但是我建议最好别这样，如果前面一段已经充斥着例证，那这段就最好能以说理为主。另外，这里的例证都是从反面去说这个问题的，正面的说辞还是需要你添加上去，不然一直在说这样这样不好，那怎样才是好的，才是你支持的却不见踪影，那是很致命的]

Throughout the history, people gradually realize that only concerning the worthwhile goals, while neglecting the rationality of means is totally wrong. Such a goal-oriented way is doomed to fade out; instead, both the goals and means should be taken into comprehensive consideration before justifying any of them. [很好的结尾，简洁有力]

[文章结构还是很不错的，不过第二段的段首确实需要revise一下；逻辑上并没有表现出什么过人之处，因为例子过多而无法看出逻辑上的问题；语言挺不错的，不过需要注意的是语法上的问题，另外就是倒装句只有一个，强调句和虚拟语气都没见到，定从也用的不多，同位语从句有用可并没有用好，同位语套定从基本上就是issue中最常见的长句句式了，希望能够加强。总体而言，文章已经颇具水准，只要时间能控制好，argument能拿满分，现在去考也不成问题了]

dicmiUID：183392

修改稿。。。

经过嘉斑斑的精心修改。。。

经过我的四个小时的细心阅读

终于将重要批示转化为成果啦~~ o yeah~~

感谢嘉斑斑：)  找工作顺利：）:victory::victory:

蓝色的是我修改过的，小的语法错误我就不标出来了：）

As the well-known proverb goes that "Every way leads to Roma", it means people could take a variety of ways to achieve their goals. Among so many different means, some requirements should be setup to determine whether certain way can be taken or not. Some people assert that if only the goal is worthy, any means is justifiable. Nevertheless,  as far as I concerned, the means must be soundly evaluated and attached the same importance as the goals, before adoption.
Admittedly, the prosperity of our society, and the development of science and technology are largely attributable to people's endeavors guided by goals. Only by setting a goal first can we devote our efforts following a certain means afterwards. Consider, Nobel, for example. Were he hesitated or feard to conduct experiments on detonator at that time, it is still impossible for us to efficiently exploit a mine, or build a dam till today. Meanwhile, Edison's enduring efforts made on the material of bulb filament even after thousands of failures finally illuminated the darkness all over the world. Moreover, besides the scientific world, it is the same in politic area. Back to the World War Two, we are informed that the allied forces carried out the war against the Nazi for the peace for their people, and their nations. Obviously, all of them choose a way to achieve their goals under the restriction of laws and ethic. Needless to say, the worthwhile goals, as well as appropriate means they adopted, contribute greatly to everything that we can enjoy today.

Nevertheless, suppose all the means under the cover of worthwhile goals are connived, human society will be on the edge of falling to pieces. The author overemphasizes the goals' worth and neglects the means' importance. Simply put, obviously, could we allow such a research program, that uses human subjects in biochemical experiments in order to get scientific data, just like what the Nazi scientist did to concentration camp prisoners during World War Two? Could we ratify such a suggestion, cloning human-beings in order to cut a leg from the clones for the transplants of patients, for example, the car accidents victims? Or could we accept the idea that steal the money from people in order to fund the poor orphans who are not able to feed themselves? Or could we agree with some politicians, like Nixon, to put a bug in the Watergate Building in order to win the election? To these questions, people have already answered “a flat no” by their firmly counterattack against those misbehaviors. Doubtlessly, we simply cannot adopt all those unreasonable means even though their goals seem to be worthy, especially for themselves.

Furthermore, certain measures should be set and enforced strictly to ensure the means people adopted never deviated from the right way. Without those laws, in the interest of some seemingly worthy goals, people are likely to take some easier but illegal means and thus endanger other people's interests. This kind of examples is abundant in every field, ranging from politics to economic, from culture to quotidian life. One apt example to illustrate this point is Adolph Hitler, the leader of Nazi Germany. During the World War Two, in order to conquer the world, he adopted so extreme means, including wars, massacre and the like, which brought worldwide disasters to human-beings. Fortunately, nowadays, with the maturity of modern law systems, kinds of laws could be used to serve as this function. In the economical area, Enron, once one of the biggest companies in America whose intent was to gain more profit, finally dissolved into bankruptcy due to its accounting, tax and stock fraud. Clearly, it is the comprehensive laws and ethical standards largely regulate people’s behavior, or their means took to fulfill the goals. Additionally, the moral education nowadays also helps to cultivate children and adults sound personalities so that they are more capable to evaluate the means’ rationality profoundly. Hence, with the help of existed laws as well as the ethical standard, the means could be soundly estimated and restricted before applying, so as to avoid unnecessary damages.

Throughout the history, people gradually realize that only concerning the worthwhile goals, while neglecting the rationality of means is totally wrong. Such a goal-oriented way is doomed to fade out; instead, both the goals and means should be taken into comprehensive consideration before justifying any of them.


再次谢谢各位~~~

runningpiggyUID：194977

呵呵。。改了之后看上去舒服多了。。。