Argument6 狂拍吧，必狂回拍。今天几乎一直在电脑前面了，写不出好文章，郁闷啊

iverUID：198348

Argument6  狂拍吧，必狂回拍。今天几乎一直在电脑前面了，写不出好文章，郁闷啊！刚才看看so猫的“心理医生”被受鼓励，大家加油啊！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：30分1秒     463 words
从2005年2月20日17时5分到2005年2月20日17时30分
------题目------
The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
'A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money.'
------正文------
The arguer proposes that a new jazz music club CNote should establish in Monroe because it will guarantee a significance profitable enterprise. The statement seems well organized by some evidence to make it convincing. However, it is not reasonable as its groundless evidence and far from convincing statistics, as discussed below.

Firstly, the arguer tries to substantiate that the CNote will have all the local market, but the reason is groundless. Although there is only one jazz music club, it is not necessarily that all the customers will attend the CNote. And the arguer has not give the specific number of the residents who attend the present club in Monroe. It is possible that there are just a few people attending the jazz club, or there will be not only one jazz music club. Although there are many jazz funs, perhaps the local residents have accustomed to taking part in the present jazz club and they are reluctant to attend a new one. The arguer also fails to investigate the profits of that club, it is entirely possible that the present club can make profits.

Secondly, the arguer expects to strengthen his point by the evidence that there are many people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer. However, there is no evidence that all the people who attended the jazz festival are live in Monroe. Perhaps most of them are from other places. And it makes no sense that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, the arguer has not support the evidence that the musicians will use CNote instead of the present jazz club.  In fact, there is no evidence that the musicians use the club. The highest-rated radio program, Jazz Nightly, in Monroe, also undermine the arguer's statement. After working in the daytime, people may prefer staying at home to attending the jazz club. The arguer does not say the situation of the Monore. Perhaps the containing of the transportation is so bad that people are reluctant to attend the jazz club.

Finally, in order to convince us, the arguer gives a statistics about the expenditure of jazz fans on jazz entertainment. However, the statistics is far from convincing. The nationwide study does not indicate that jazz fun will spend much money in Monroe. Moreover, who has proved that all the money or most of the money are spent on attending the jazz club? It is possible jazz fun spend on other respects such as musical instrument.

As the illustration above, the statement is unreasonable. Before they make the decision to establish a new jazz club in Monroe, the arguer should get more information such as the specific number of jazz fun in Monroe, who is willing to attend jazz club.

zhoulin00001UID：189304

我来拍了

lawrence1984UID：178326

good!

zhoulin00001UID：189304

The arguer proposes that a new jazz music club CNote should establish in Monroe because it will guarantee a significance profitable enterprise. The statement seems well organized by some evidence to make it convincing. However, it is not reasonable as its groundless evidence and far from convincing statistics, as discussed below.

Firstly, the arguer tries to substantiate that the CNote will have all the local market, but the reason is groundless. Although there is only one jazz music club, it is not necessarily that all the customers will attend the CNote. And the arguer has not give the specific number of the residents who attend the present club in Monroe. It is possible that there are just a few people attending the jazz club, or there will be not only one jazz music clubthe nearest jazz club is 65 miles away怎么说不止一个呢？. Although there are many jazz funs, perhaps the local residents have accustomed to taking part in the present jazz club and they are reluctant to attend a new one. The arguer also fails to investigate the profits of that club, it is entirely possible that the present club can make profits他们赢利和我们有关吗？.

Secondly, the arguer expects to strengthen his point by the evidence that there are many people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer. However, there is no evidence that all the people who attended the jazz festival are live in Monroe. Perhaps most of them are from other places. And it makes no sense that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, the arguer has not support the evidence that the musicians will use CNote instead of the present jazz club. In fact, there is no evidence that the musicians use the club. The highest-rated radio program, Jazz Nightly, in Monroe, also undermine the arguer's statement. After working in the daytime, people may prefer staying at home to attending the jazz club. The arguer does not say the situation of the Monore. Perhaps the containing of the transportation is so bad that people are reluctant to attend the jazz club有新意！！.

Finally, in order to convince us, the arguer gives a statistics about the expenditure of jazz fans on jazz entertainment. However, the statistics is far from convincing. The nationwide study does not indicate that jazz fun will spend much money in Monroe是Monroe人不一定会花很多钱吧？. Moreover, who has proved that all the money or most of the money are spent on attending the jazz club? It is possible jazz fun spend on other respects such as musical instrument.

As the illustration above, the statement is unreasonable. Before they make the decision to establish a new jazz club in Monroe, the arguer should get more information such as the specific number of jazz fun in Monroe, who is willing to attend jazz club.
可能是限时的原因，body3写的太粗略了，还有body有点乱，加油！！

ponponUID：181304

改的不错

fermanUID：162184

iver,你这篇文章句式过于机械化，满篇都是诸如there is no evidence that的句式，不够灵活。 对每一个攻击对象的攻击并不很是连贯，也不太令人信服。

iverUID：198348

谢谢各位鼓励!
大家加油呀!
总结
1 文章确实太机械化了,不会恰倒好处的用逻辑语言.所以显得呆板,不够灵活.
2 攻击的对象也不是很连贯, 应该多努力.
3  The nationwide study does not indicate that jazz fun will spend much money in Monroe是Monroe人不一定会花很多钱吧？. 这句写的有问题. No evidence shows that jazz fun who live in Monroe will spend much money on attending jazz club