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[作文] 独立写作求修改 [复制链接]

jessie_1017
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电梯直达

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发表于 2011-6-28 11:28:23 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Do you agree or disagree with the idea that it is better to have a broad knowledge of several academic subjects than to have a specific knowledge of one subject? Support your reasons with specific examples.

When it comes to academic subjects, some students have interests in various ones, while some are devoted almost all time in one subject. It is common in schools, however, as far as I concerned, I may prefer to have a broad knowledge of several academic subjects rather than a specific knowledge of one, reasons are given below.

To begin with, some may argue that have a specific knowledge of one subject with full understanding is more important than a broad knowledge of several subjects with knowing superficially, in my opinion, all varieties of knowledges one should learn because even experts have to gain many other knowledges in order to discover what they are really interested in. Learning something new is a beneficial way to improve personal development. Such as Benjamin Franklin, an eminent person in the history, while being as a great politician, he also did research on the electricity, and expressed his talent in composing verses.

Secondly, acquiring knowledge of various subjects helps one to find out what he really wants to do in the future. It is a significant part in the progress of learning, everyone hopes to do things he trurly likes so that he can stick with a faith and never give up even though troubles are on the way.Take myself as an example, I am fond of art, but art is a wide range, if I had not learned dancing, music, drawing, I would not know that my advantage and interests are in the field of music among these three subjects.

Also, some subjects are sharing something same, and once a person learned these subjects, he could reach the top to become more professional.Such as a scientist who studied on the medical machine, he who does not know both medical knowledge and mechanical principles will not invent such a functional machine,besides, a teacher who is proficient in one more language will enable him or her to teach foreigners, it is a big opportunity to earn more and make more friends.

In a word, learning in depth about a single subject lead to narrow-mindedness. in such a competitive society today, being aware of many different several subjects is not only a way to find a future career path, but also an essential factor to improve oneself to become the best in an area of expertise.

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mpromanus
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沙发

发表于 2011-6-28 19:26:32 |只看该作者

1# jessie_1017

Do you agree or disagree with the idea that it is better to have a broad knowledge of several academic subjects than to have a specific knowledge of one subject? Support your reasons with specific examples.

When it comes to academic subjects, some students have interests in various ones, while some are devoted almost all time in one subject. It is common in schools, however (This is very ambiguous. Do you mean ‘However, it is common in schools, xxxxx’, or ‘It is common in schools, but xxxxx’? In other words, which part are your ‘however’-ing from?), as far as I concerned, I may prefer(You ‘may’ prefer…this implies you also ‘may not’ prefer what you said. So are you agreeing or disagreeing with the statement, after all?) to have a broad knowledge of several academic subjects rather than a specific knowledge of one. My reasons are given below.

To begin with, some may argue that having a specific knowledge(I do not know where you get the question from but it should have occurred to you by now that ‘knowledge’ is not countable so you can’t say ‘a’ knowledge and your question’s grammar is simply wrong. It’s very likely that the wording of this question is not the same as the original writing task from ETS, for that matter..) of one subject with full understanding is more important than a having broad knowledge of several subjects with knowing superficially. In my opinion, all varieties of knowledges one should learn (‘all varieties of knowledge, one should learn’..you’re doing a Maser Yoda, alright..but no, only Master Yoda can do this. Don’t do this kind of sentence inversion in formal writing, because in fact most sentences cannot be inverted.)because even experts have to gain many other knowledges (You mean ‘knowledge in many other fields’..again, ‘knowledge’ is not countable.) in order to discover what they are really interested in? (But they are experts already? Why do they still need to discover this? Unless you mean they have to discover their real interest BEFORE they become experts…). Learning something new is a beneficial way of improve personal development. Such as Benjamin Franklin, an eminent person in the history, while being as a great politician, he also did research on the electricity, and expressed his talent in composing verses. (Um..but why is this more important than having specific knowledge about one subject? Does this research and composing verses help Franklin become a better politician, or what? You can’t assume just having knowledge in many fields is naturally better than having specific knowledge in one field..this is what you need to PROVE, not just describe. You need to argue and persuade your reader that your opinion is true, using the facts you describe as evidence for your argument – this, is the foundation of an argumentative essay. What you have here is only the ‘describe’ part of the essay.)

Secondly, acquiring knowledge of various subjects helps one to find out what he really wants to do in the future. It is a significant part in the progress of learning. Everyone hopes to do things he trurly likes so that he can stick with a faith and never give up even though troubles are on the way. Take myself as an example: I am fond of art, but art has a wide range of subjects. If I had not learned dancing, music, drawing, I would not know that my advantage and interests are in the field of music among these three subjects.

Also, some subjects are sharing something same (This is very very vague. What are ‘some subjects’? What thing is this ‘something’? If you want to express the generic sense of sharing, then it’s simply ‘many subjects are inter-connected/similar’. Use meaningful, solid words instead of empty placeholders such as ‘some’, ‘thing’.), and once a person learned these subjects, he could reach the top to become more professional. (Again, this is very vague, and it doesn’t give an idea of what exactly it is that you want to express.) For example, a scientist who studied on the medical machine?? (What do you mean by ‘medical machine’?), he who does not know both medical knowledge and mechanical principles will not invent such a functional machine. (I’m not understanding what kind of machine or scientist you are trying describe here.) Besides, a teacher who is proficient in one more than one languages will be able (Your subject is ‘a teacher’. If you use ‘will enable…’, then your subject must not be a ‘teacher’ but ‘the languages’. You made this shift because you started with ‘a teacher who is proficient in languages’, and then continued to think about ‘languages will enable him or her…’. As you make a first sentence break at ‘languages’, you forget about the teacher being the overall subject of this sentence. You can’t produce proper long sentences like that. There is always an overall Subject-Verb-Object order somewhere, and you need to be aware of this overall structure. Do not just write one phrase after another according to what you just wrote.) to teach foreigners. It is a big opportunity to earn more and make more friends. (Yeah but what does this to do with ‘some subjects share something so once a person learns it all he can reach the top and become more professional’? The example of the teachers seems to me totally unrelated to what you were saying about medical machines (whatever those are for the matter)..)

In a word, learning in depth about a single subject leads to narrow-mindedness. (Did you elaborate on this? If no, then you have an unfinished point in the essay.) In such a competitive society today, being aware of many different several subjects is not only a way to find a future career path, but also an essential factor to improve oneself to become the best in an area of expertise.

总结：

请注意你的分句。不要把两句话直接接在一起，也不要写着写着就忘了一个句子的主要结构是神马。。

论述上请注意‘证’（论证）和‘述’（描述）的区别。。基本上你全篇都是有论述而无论证。。给你一个例子：

述而无证：我喜欢妈妈，不喜欢爸爸。[总论点] 妈妈对我比爸爸对我好。[分论点] 我喜欢吃糖糕，妈妈经常给我买糖糕，爸爸从来不给我买。[论据/例子]

述而有证：我喜欢妈妈，不喜欢爸爸。[总论点] 妈妈对我比爸爸对我好。[分论点] 比如，妈妈经常给我买糖糕，爸爸从来不给我买。[论据/例子] 因为我很喜欢吃糖糕，所以我就觉得妈妈会给我买糖糕就是对我很好，爸爸不给我买糖糕就是对我不好~[论证]

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jessie_1017
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板凳

发表于 2011-6-28 20:22:59 |只看该作者

感谢修改~~对于你说的问题我会多加注意的！！ 2# mpromanus

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泪雨零铃
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地板

发表于 2011-6-30 09:52:52 |只看该作者

1# jessie_1017
述而无证：我喜欢妈妈，不喜欢爸爸。[总论点] 妈妈对我比爸爸对我好。[分论点] 我喜欢吃糖糕，妈妈经常给我买糖糕，爸爸从来不给我买。[论据/例子]
述而有证：我喜欢妈妈，不喜欢爸爸。[总论点] 妈妈对我比爸爸对我好。[分论点] 比如，妈妈经常给我买糖糕，爸爸从来不给我买。[论据/例子] 因为我很喜欢吃糖糕，所以我就觉得妈妈会给我买糖糕就是对我很好，爸爸不给我买糖糕就是对我不好~[论证]mpromanus 发表于 2011-6-28 19:26

太有道理了！！！！