[习作点评] 作文小白第一次写issue,写了一小时，求狠批 [复制链接]

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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2015-10-20 16:26:38 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

渣渣真的是渣渣，写之前脑子空白，想想又改改，写了一小时，最关键的是后来放到word里，还有很多拼写错误

很多认识的单词但是拼不来，渣渣真是要跪了

上题，求狠批

As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. in developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these consideration shape your position.

写了半天才写了397.:mad

以下是文章：

Nowadays, we are overwhelmed by lots of new ideas relating to technology and we are embraced by more and more technological products. We use electronic teeth brush in the morning and copy machine at office, and we have multicore mobile phone all the daytime. It seems we are going to be slaved by technology. Do we concern less for ourselves with the high-speed development of technology these year?
Surly, on the one hand, it will make us stupid and lazy. American students use calculators to help them solving math problem and some adults cannot even do some simple calculation by themselves. The average ability of adult American to solve quantity section is much lower than the ability of people in developing country like China or India. One the other hand, our health condition would decline as we have less chance to do exercise. More people have cars and use elevators. Junk food is cheaper due to the lower cost of the production for them which are caused by technology development. The acoustic environment are getting worse for more noise are made by our busy traffic.

What's worse, we now have more possibility to destroy ourselves by technology like nuclear weapons. America has the highest military cost which surpass the total cost of the 25 countries'. North Korea, the most terrible country in the world, tries its best to fabricate nuclear weapons. Bio-chemistry weapon, which make severe loss in the Second World War, is still not be removed from the world. We are in higher emergency with our own more weapons.
On the other hands, we get lots of advantages from this process. For example, we human get much liberty from technology. It manumits us from mundane life and promote our efficiency. So a lot of work like copying documents manually or rising huge concrete blocks to high level by human power can be done by machine. Also, we communicate with others more quickly and can be informed more equally. Poor, in some degree, is caused by repetitive low efficiency manual work and unequal information condition. Technology help us to make a more democratic world.
The question if technology will enslave us or with which, we will become better can be answered by ourselves as it's our own attitude towards technology, how we use and enjoy technology, how we refrain technology that decide the effect technology on us.

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一个人瑶啊瑶
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沙发

发表于 2015-10-21 00:40:45 |只看该作者

你好，我也是写作小白，但是想留点comments on your writing。
首先，我认为你没有准确认识题目，题目准确翻译是：当人们越来越依赖技术去解决问题，人类独立思考能力却退化。
文中你并没有提到科技如何使得人类的独立思考能力下降。如果你说文中有提到使用calculator，那我觉得这更应该属于deterioraion of skill。
关于文章思路，如果我写，我的论点会是disagree，原因是造成人们独立思考的能力很多，不仅仅是依赖科技，和人们受教育环境也有关，比如在中国的应试教育，老师根本不care你的思考，就关心你答案正不正确，在这样的环境下，哪怕你不依赖科技，你长期养成了“标准答案”思维，你的思考能力也会退化。但是文章要有两面性，所以关于赞成issue的方面，如果我写，我会说科技的强大在某种方面确实会导致人类不思考，举例现在地图导航功能越来越强大，人们依赖于这个，就不去思考这条路是否真的可行，是否绕路，路况如何，毕竟科技也会出差错。
结构的话，你第一段开头我认为太长了，不用举例太多，表达你的想法即可。具体论述放在后面的body部分。可以第一段opening, put forward your idea。第二段，正，就是表达你赞成issue。第三段，反，表达你认为你不赞成的观点。最后一段，合，即你的conclusion。
语言的话，我觉得你的句子读着也挺通顺，at a glance我没有发现什么语法错误。
这就是我的看法，可能也有很多漏洞，欢迎讨论～楼主加油啊～