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[i习作temp] issue93 个人责任. [复制链接]

猫猫624
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楼主

发表于 2005-4-19 13:07:17 |只看该作者

issue93 个人责任.

05年6G特邀总结贴之二：猫猫624GRE作文备考体会

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JANETZZF
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沙发

发表于 2005-4-19 14:43:15 |只看该作者

Commentary:
This is a well-organized response to the issue. The five-paragraph essay presents the author’s sufficient use of standard written English and logically sound understanding of the topic.

In the first paragraph, the author states her position to the topic (“I fundamentally agree with the speaker's assertion”), and asserts her own understanding (“However, I must…”).

From the second to the fourth paragraph, the writer develops her statement with some vivid and pertinent examples. Supporting evidence varies from societal issues, politics to the realm of economy which display the writer’s large range of knowledge.

However, at some tiny points the author commits some flaws which do not impede the understanding of the whole meaning of the essay. Such as “the notion of individual responsibility is crucial and critical for the social stability and further development in any endeavor of human beings.” Which I think “the notion that” would be appropriate, and in “As for common employers, they have to comply with the rules and principles of companies, and spend much time on working even they prefer more leisure time, because of the living pressure and financial necessity.”, I consider your initial meaning as common employees.

Overall this essay presents an insightful response to the topic considering the writer being a foreigner for English.

4.21AW

凡为攻击我而制造的武器，必将被摧毁；凡在审判中攻击我的人，必将被定罪

No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper;
And every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgement thou shalt condemn.

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JANETZZF
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板凳

发表于 2005-4-19 15:23:43 |只看该作者

楼主的作文真的不错啊，羡慕啊！！！不知道什么时候考啊？唉，我后天就考了，现在什么都不想看了！！！更不想写了，太伤心！！！

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疯子兔八哥
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地板

发表于 2005-4-19 15:33:59 |只看该作者

楼上的别太担心了，进了考场也就知道了
也就那么回事

我靠！我靠！
疯子兔八哥做事需要理由吗？
当然不需要啊~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

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鬼谷子
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5楼

发表于 2005-4-20 09:38:36 |只看该作者

93"The concept of 'individual responsibility' is a necessary fiction. Although societies must hold individuals accountable for their own actions, people's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making."

I fundamentally agree with the speaker's assertion that people's decision-making and behaviors usually are influenced by external forces. However, people must assume their responsibility toward the society, for the reason that the notion of individual responsibility is crucial and critical for the social stability and further development in any endeavor of human beings. 【虽然受到了外力的影响，但是个人还是必须要承担责任，在后面论述的时候一定要把这两点穿起来，貌似不是一个方向的论述】

Admittedly, social surroundings are largely established before people consider them. 【把162里面的句子用上了，不错。不过，这样实际上给你自己造成了一个不必要的困难，环境建立在人们意识之前与谁来决定行为，谁对行为负责有什么关系呢？需要你首先论证这一点。那么，工作量就大了，建议这里直接提出，环境对于行为的影响极大】Common sense informs us people's decision-making and behaviors are usually impacted by external forces. 【你看，显然，这句跟上句之间就有跳跃了，不如直接以这句为TS】For example, as teenagers, they must go to schools and receive formal education, even learn courses which they are not interested in, for the reason that fundamental knowledge and skills are necessary for their future careers. 【例子提出的不够好，为了证明你的论点你应该说基础知识技能是社会的要求，这样才是外界的压力。而且，你要强调出来你所说的decision making的问题】As for common employers, they have to comply with the rules and principles of companies, and spend much time on working even they prefer more leisure time, because of the living pressure and financial necessity. 【你想说的是employee吧】 In addition, people in poverty areas suffer from hunger, homelessness, diseases even threats of death all the time, and they have no opportunity to choose their desirable manners of living. 【同上面的问题，对于外界压力和decision making前调不够，也就不能有效的证明，人们是在外界压力之下做决定的。而且，最后缺少一个结论。这段的作用是什么？】

However, even though the impacts of social conditions played on people cannot be avoided, people should not regard it as one excuse for escaping individual responsibility. 【觉得你这样说的角度和语气都不是很好，首先是角度，应该说题目研究的角度应该是比较客观的，行为是谁决定的问题，而你这样论述实际上就是从主观的角度提出，某些人可能以此为借口来逃避责任，这样又引发了另一个问题，就是我曾经说过的，不要用别人的话或者尤其不能以你猜测的别人的想法来引出你的观点，这样，首先你的推断就不一定成立，那么，你论点以及之后的论证都相应的被削弱了力度。然后，语气来说的话，你开头的观点里面用的是must，这里是should，语气和力度明显不同。我觉得还是不要给自己设下陷阱比较好】There are two points lending some credence to the position. Generally, people have free will to choose what they want and what they wish to be. In democratic social and political system, every citizen has been allowed to choose the way they think and live. 【这样的论述似乎又完全没有顾及到上面的环境使人没有选择的内容。前后提出两个截然相反的论断，而其中没有一些衔接和缓和，不妥】All of these decisions fundamentally reflect people's desire and expectations; as a result people should hold the responsibility for their choices. 【不要把行为换成选择，偷换概念！】 In addition, the notion of individual responsibility has played an essential role in ensuring social stability and healthy development of the society. 【social stability 和society 重复】 For example, political leaders have to take effective policies to address pressing and immediate social problems, such as unemployment, hunger, ignorance 【这个是社会问题吗？】 and the like, in order to keeping the social stability and the well-being of common people. As for jurists and lawyers, they must keep the justice and equality in the legal process. Similarly, corporate executives not simply fulfill the tasks of maximizing profitability, but hold the moral and ethical obligation toward the customers, employers and the whole society, which involves the preservation of natural environment, reasonable exploration of natural resources, public good quality of products and good images of companies toward the rest of the world. 【我觉得你这里论述的不够，举出了各种人，然后说他们应该怎么样，第一个，责任这个概念强调的不够，而相反，里面很多内容不算是责任的。第二，这样论述对于社会的影响不够直接。最后也没有总结到社会会得到什么好处，取得什么进步】

Another important reason for the significance of individual responsibility lies in the fact that lack of certain responsibility may incur harmful influences, even paramount disaster to the society. In realm of economics, one striking example is the bankruptcy of Enron Energy Company and economic scandal of Arthur Andersen. Due to merely focusing on short-term interests, executive of Enron abdicates his responsibility and use misleading documents to overlarge the income by thousands and millions of dollars. Similarly, Arthur Anderson certified Enron's bookkeeping was in order when they actually know the truth. This lesson tells people overlooking the notion of individual responsibility is likely to result in great economic and social loss. Another example lies in the major cause of SARS 's outbreak of China in 2003. Because relevant officials neglected their necessary responsibility and did not take effective measures for controlling and preventing infection, many people were infected by bacteria, even lost their lives. In brief, the notion of individual responsibility exercises great impact on the sound development of the society. 【例子不是很好，这两个事件都不是个人引起的，涉及到的也不只是个人责任而已】

In conclusion, social surroundings and external forces inevitably influence people's decision-making and behaviors in practical lives, but people should hold their responsibility about their choices. In addition, the notion of individual responsibility has played a vital, pivotal even fatal role in keeping the social stability and well-being of common people, thus every people and society should not overlook its significance. .

【我一向觉得猫猫624是很有实力的，所以对你的要求就会比别人高一点，批改也严了一点。不妥之处见谅。这篇文章大体上还可以，不过仔细看下去就有不少的漏洞了，当然，issue也不一定要写成滴水不漏的，但是一些可以避免的问题还是应该注意的。而且，还有一个就是开头让步的问题，这样写确实会流畅一点，不过，是否可以不用传统的admittedly，而只是把B1当成问题的一个方面来说，然后，就不会从语气上削弱后面的内容了。呵呵，一个建议。猫猫加油！】