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[i习作temp] 大家帮我点评一下issue吧 [复制链接]

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发表于 2005-5-4 21:26:20 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
今天第一篇,一共花了5个小时,有22个语法错误。呜呜~~
怎么提高

In Britain, the senior citizens live with other aged people favored by special nurses.  Sometimes, the government should pay the cost.


Outline:
1.        Thesis topic
2.        The advantage of caring aged in home
a)        Ethic reasons
b)        The happiness from the family tie
3.        Nursing the old in home is inefficient in the modern society
a)        Specialization improves the efficiency
b)        The young couple in China has not enough ability to care all of their parents individually.
4.        Government should take enough responsibility in the aged society
a)        The reason of nursery was proposed in history.
5.        Conclusion


Words: 593
Time: about 4 hours
Spelling error: 22


In the era of aged society, it is a controversial problem presented to the young citizens on how to care their aged parents in home or in the special nursing organizations.  As far as I concerned, the most important criteria to evaluate the two choices is to achieve maximum overall satisfaction in the society, rather than treats the problem partial.


It is true that taking care of aged parents in home will enhance the family tie cross the generations, which brings the family happiness of love to each member in a family.  Family happiness means a pleasurable experience by the emotional connection between parents and their children, and likewise between husband and wife.  According to the traditional ethic, the aged parents should be cared carefully and comfortably by their children until the last minute in the world, just as they cultivated their children from a naive baby to a successful person in the world.  Therefore, the responsibility of nursing older is one of most valuable merits which we advocate, in that it encourages adults to take care other weak when they are strong and to be feed by others when they are young and aged.


However, it is not efficient to take care older in home, in that most of families lack professional skills to nurse their aged parents effective.  On the one hand, only a few adults whose works are nursing or house-hold received professional training in caring older. Most of other adults in other professions should concentrate all their energy on their jobs to improve the work efficiency and also to earn enough money to maintain the development of a family.  So it is not reasonable to require those adults to offer better services by professional nurses to their aged parents, such as nutritional diets, health direction and psychological comfort.  On the other hand, even if the young couple has the strong willing to care their parents themselves, the changed situation will consume all of spare time of young couples in China.  Today, due to the nation-wide population control policy 25 years ago, a typical Chinese young couple must support 4 old parents individually: father, mother, father-in-law and mother-in-law, besides their coming baby, which is dramatically different from the problem before that the aged can be cared by more than one family together.  Therefore, an available solution should be proposed to cover this challenging problem in the current aged society.


In addition, the government should take enough responsibilities to take care of the olds, as well as to improve the working productivity of the society.  The mission of government is to offer its citizens a beautiful and harmony environment by handling all kinds of problems inside and outside.  In the age of industrialization, to meet the increased demanding on labor, nursery was invented to help young mothers focused on their work without the worry on their babies.  As the same, to meet the serious problem in the aged society today, government should establish enough qualified institutions for the old to enjoy their life and also provide a supportive environment for the adults in work.


To sum up, the best solution should consider the happiness from emotion and material, as well as the benefits both from aged citizens and from adults, since happiness comes from the satisfaction of every member in our society.  Therefore, it is highly recommended if the government establishes comfortable professional nursing organization for the aged parents when their children are concentrating on their work; and the young adults take their old parents back home in the weekend, to enjoy the happiness of family together.
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沙发
发表于 2005-5-4 21:49:58 |只看该作者
建议看一下新手发贴格式,
把序号写清楚!
看了一下,写得很不错,第一篇能写成这样已经很厉害了
I am going to conquer GMAT and new TOEFL

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板凳
发表于 2005-5-4 21:53:47 |只看该作者
知道了,下次会注意的。
现在这样花4个小时写上考场可不行,怎么才能缩短时间?
另外怎么改进单词的拼写?
还有我写作时类似于make sth. to do sth.的句型用得太习惯,不知有什么办法能够提高句子得多样性?

3x and bow

[ Last edited by leo_chen on 2005-5-4 at 21:58 ]

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