[作文] 请各位老师同学帮我检查下我这篇雅思作文写得怎样，能评几分？谢谢啦。 [复制链接]

wjx0565
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发表于 2009-7-14 01:40:15 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 wjx0565 于 2009-7-18 18:04 编辑

Writing Task 1
The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons were relevant.

The graph shows the percentage of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.

There was a slight increase in the number of USA persons aged 65 and over from 9% in 1940 to about 10% in1960. From 1960 to 1980, it rose sharply to 15%. After that, the number of USA people aged 65% and over remained almost stable until 2020. From then on, the proportion will be raised up dramatically, peaking at approximately 23%.

Obviously, the number of the Sweden aged 65 and over was still increasing, especially from 1940 to 1980, it reached nearly 14%. And after 1980, the people aged 65 and over rose greatly, peaking at a little over a quarter.

Unlike USA and Sweden people aged 65 and over, the number of people in Japan decline gradually from 5% (1940) to 3% (1960). From 1960 to 1980, it remained almost stable. After that, the number of people aged 65% and over in Japan until the year 2040, in the moreover, it will beyond the number of USA and Sweden.

Before around the year 2020, the number of person aged 65 and over in USA and in Sweden was larger than in Japan. Nevertheless, in 2040, the number aged 65 and over in Japan will be greater than in USA and in Sweden. (224 words)

这篇小作文来自于剑5的Test 1的Writing Task 1，请老师们师兄师姐们带我看看有什么不足之处，能评几分。谢谢。

TASK, writing

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TryFly
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沙发

发表于 2009-7-19 16:08:01 |只看该作者

1# wjx0565

The graph shows the percentage of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.
(这个和题目给你的信息太像了，估计会不算字数的，要在改写一下)

There was a slight increase in the number of USApersons aged 65 and over from 9% in 1940 to about 10% in1960. From 1960to 1980, it rose sharply to 15%. After that, the number of USA peopleaged 65% and over remained almost stable until 2020. From then on, theproportion will be raised（is projected to rise） dramatically, peaking at approximately 23%.

Obviously, the number of the Sweden aged 65 andover was still increasing, especially from 1940 to 1980, it reachednearly 14%(要连词把着脸个简单句连起来，或是改成复合句，不能两个简单句直接用逗号分开。). And after 1980, the people aged 65 and over rose greatly,peaking at a little over a quarter.

Unlike USA and Sweden people aged 65 and over,the number of people in Japan decline（declined） gradually from 5% (1940) to 3%(1960). From 1960 to 1980, it remained almost stable. After that, thenumber of people aged 65% and over in Japan until the year 2040, in themoreover, it will beyond the number of USA and Sweden.

Before around the year 2020, the number of personaged 65 and over in USA and in Sweden was larger than （that）in Japan.Nevertheless, in 2040, the number aged 65 and over in Japan will begreater than（that） in USA and in Sweden. (224 words)

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