[优秀习作] issue10 [复制链接]

Crysta
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2003-5-23 05:11:41 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

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paisley
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沙发

发表于 2003-5-23 19:57:09 |只看该作者

我记得这个题目好象有谁写过。或者讨论过。你不妨用高级搜索，找一下别人写的那篇。

我正在改，带会发上来。

UA
我说人生哪，如果赏过一回痛哭淋漓的风景，写一篇杜鹃啼血的文章，与一个赏心悦目的人错肩，也就够了。不要收藏美、钤印美，让美随风而逝。生命最清醉的时候，是将万里长江视为一匹白绢，裂帛。(简桢)

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paisley
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板凳

发表于 2003-5-23 20:55:51 |只看该作者

10 Government must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive, because it is primarily in cites that a nation’s cultural traditions are preserved and generated.

In our routine life we never fail to confront a lot of ( a lot of应该用在肯定句里，这句是否定哦) problems worth thinking. When meeting these problems, how do you objectively present your perspective without any bias? However, a great deal of argument（少了s） on this issue have been presented:（其实我觉得到这里为止的句子，都不必要。最好是开门见山的，而且前面这段话，又是可以用在任何一个议题上，更显得不是特别cogent） someone intends to hold that government must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive, because it is primarily in cites that a nation’s cultural traditions are preserved and generated.（建议不要一模一样的照抄题目） On the contrast, several well-reasoned aspects below convince me to believe（convince就是有让人believe的意思，重复了） that the rural areas of nation deserve more attention from the government.

First of all, due to the impact of globalization, the cities of the world are being homogenized, especially the major city of every country. China, for example, is a country（这里that不可以省略） enjoy （少了s） a long history and have many tradition（少s） past down form one generation to another. But with the development of industry and technology, we have to open the door to the world and influence（语法上说，这里应该是influenced） by the world（后半句意思有点含糊）. Such situation embodied in Beijing -- the capital city of China especially notability. As a main city of China it must be the communication center of the whole county（笔误吧？county是县呢）, when so many different cultures, values flood into Beijing it is impossible for people to （这个to应该放到not后面）not be influence（应该用被动） by them. We accept the west cultures, lived（为什么突然用过去时态呢） more and more in a west（应用形容词western） way speaking English eating west food, and at the same time the traditional east culture is gradually faded （最好加个away）in Beijing which（这样两句话，不应该用which连接，最好拆开说） is not to say we will forget the culture of ourselves but just not （这里的被动到底指谁呢？比较费解）be so typically represented the culture traditions of our nations. And with less cultural traditions, it creates a better environment for development than on（on应去掉） those cities where long traditions are preserved for it will be more easier for other culture’s people to enter this place and bring their different culture to the place and promote the further development of that place.

As a consequence of the situation mentioned above, a nation’s cultural tradition’s might be bitterly preserved in the rural area. Still China for instance, when leaving the big city enter the countryside（这句话不通，一句里面出现了两个动词，而且前面Still China for instance已经说明，该句的主语是CHINA，但是后面leaving the big city的主语应该是人，不可能是CHINA。）, for less influent（？？）by the things outside the people are more inclined to behave in their traditional way, eating the traditional food, dress the traditional cloth, and thinking（为什么要加ing呢） just like their forbears often thinking. They do not even know what is the Christmas day which is now an important festival in big city’s people’s（citizens’ 即可） life, they only know the old Chinese festival and continue on celebrate（固定搭配，应该加ing） it on（固定搭配，应该是in，不是on） the most traditional way. And all these reflect the most originate Chinese cultural tradition.

In addition, the increasing trend of urbanization has resulted in the poverty of the countryside, threatening the survival of a nation’s traditional cultures. Because the geographic factors （少了are。like的不同含义和用法建议再复习一下）not like the big city’s people（前面是factor，后面是people,两者其实不可比） who enjoy a high standard life, some rural area’s people even find it hard to（少了be） free from hunger. It is not equal to any of the people in the rural places and not good for the development of the whole nation and preserve the cultural tradition. To prevent this situation（prevent sth from doing sth是固定结构） to go on worse（worse是形容词，不可以跟在go on后面） and ameliorate（应加ing） the situation we need to invest more support to these places as we can.

As stated above, the view that to better develop the nation and to better preserve the cultural tradition we need to give more financial support to the rural places dose not lack of credibility. It is true we can probe this problems in life, study, amusement or even human natural to realize its profound. Furthermore, most of（of） people will never arrive at the same conclusion on the controversial problem due to their different personal experience and complex individual professional background, public awareness of the problem would certainly contribute to the solution of the problem.（这段在我看来完全多余，理由同你的开头）
你语法上最主要的问题：
1．复数的地方，经常不加s。我给你指出的只是一部分。还有不少，可以自己再找找看。
2．被动掌握的不好。不该被动的地方用了被动，应该用的又没有用。导致有时候句子很含混。
3．有些句子太长，随意用and等词连接。或者是完全不能够用某些词连接的句子，也给连了起来。这样一则有语法错误，二则读起来比较吃力。还是分开说比较好。

IDEA上的问题呢，就是不够深入。不过如果不要求得5分以上的高分的话，那这样的论述还可以了。但是你还没有涉及到题目里面讲的financial support的问题。
分数呢，我不是ETS，不能给你打。不过我想你如果注意一下不要再犯这些语法错误，然后思维上更开阔点，更深入点，到7月考的话，还是有希望拿5分的。

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tomatoeggs
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地板

发表于 2003-5-24 21:42:05 |只看该作者

10 Government must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive, because it is primarily in cites that a nation’s cultural traditions are preserved and generated.

In our routine life we never fail to confront a lot of problems worth thinking. When meeting these problems, how do you objectively present your perspective without any bias?说实话，我觉得你开头这几句略显多余，因为没有比较直接的点明自己的立场，会让阅卷者不知所云，直到她看到了下面的几句。这样不好。 However, a great deal of argument on this issue have been presented: someone intends to hold that government must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive, because it is primarily in cites that a nation’s cultural traditions are preserved and generated.不要重复的字数太多，一定要用自己的话。 On the contrast, several well-reasoned aspects below convince me to believe that the rural areas of nation deserve more attention (加rather than major cities)from the government.

First of all, due to the impact of globalization, the cities of the world are being homogenized, especially the major city(复数) of every country. China, for example, is a country (加that)enjoy(s) a long history and have(has) many tradition past (passed)down form one generation to another. But with the development of industry and technology, we have to open the door to the world and (to be influenced)influence by the world. Such situation embodied(这是非谓语还是谓语？整个句子缺乏实体谓语) in Beijing -- the capital city of China especially notability. As a main city of China it must be the communication(communicative) center of the whole county, when so many different cultures, values flood into Beijing it is impossible for people to not be influence by them. We accept the west (western)cultures, lived (living)more and more in a west way speaking English eating west food, and at the same time the traditional east culture is gradually faded in Beijing which is not to say we will forget the culture of ourselves (of our own)but just not be so typically represented(这个represent用被动？？？？) the culture traditions of our nations. And with less cultural traditions, it creates a better environment for development than on those cities where long traditions are preserved for it will be more easier for other culture’s people to enter this place and bring their different culture（s） to the place and promote the further development of that place.

As a consequence of the situation mentioned above, a nation’s cultural tradition’s might be bitterly preserved in the rural area. Still China for instance, when leaving the big city enter the countryside, for less influent by the things(物质——materials) outside the people are more inclined to behave in their traditional way, eating the traditional food, dress the traditional cloth（clothes）, and thinking just like their forbears often thinking. They do not even know what is the Christmas day which is now an important festival in big city’s people’s life, they only know the old Chinese festival and continue on(to) celebrate it on the most traditional way. And all these reflect the most originate (original)Chinese cultural tradition.

In addition, the increasing trend of urbanization has resulted in the poverty of the countryside, threatening the survival of a nation’s traditional cultures. Because the geographic factors not like the big city’s (cosmopolitan)people who enjoy a high standard life, some rural area’s people even find it hard to free(应改为to be spared) from hunger. It is not equal to any of the people in the rural places and not good for the development of the whole nation and preserve the cultural tradition. To prevent this situation to go on worse and ameliorate(其实这词是非常非常书面化的，太文绉绉了，是否考虑用improve等) the situation we need to invest more support to these places as we can.

As stated above, the view that to better develop the nation and to better preserve the cultural tradition we need to give more financial support to the rural places dose not lack of credibility. It is true we can probe this problems in life, study, amusement or even human natural（应该是human nature吧） to realize its profound（profound 只是形容词改用significance）. Furthermore, most of people will never arrive at the same conclusion on the controversial problem due to their different personal experience and complex individual professional background, public awareness of the problem would certainly contribute to the solution of the problem.
最后虽然你还是给出了自己的看法，但是还是立场不明确，没有和开头对应。
小结：1. 语法错误多；
2. 表达不清晰；
3. 中心不太明确，说服性不够强。
再改改看，发觉一下新观点和论据。这一篇是比较难的。关于你举的北京的例子不错的，但试一试找寻一下城市不适宜保存文化的其他因素，比如人为的破坏，污染等都可以发挥的。寻找一下相关的资料吧。

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