[求助] 被SAT作文毒害的某女...托福作文含泪求拍求拍求拍~ [复制链接]

流年锦事
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电梯直达

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发表于 2010-8-30 13:21:30 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由流年锦事于 2010-8-30 13:26 编辑

考完SAT，作文11分，遂用SAT作文的方法来写托福作文...结果...写成这副德行，被老师批...TT
求拍求拍~~~~

题目：最好的教育方法是给孩子宠物？
Children education is always the most convoluted troublesome and mysterious issue in the world. Some indifferent parents ignorantly
consider just thrusting their children several innocent and meaningless fur balls will save them much trouble for educating their children, their future, their Hopes. Let those creature teach our children lessons, as if they are more intelligent and have more insight to life than we human beings, a ridiculous regression.
There is a trend nowadays to bestow kitties and puppies such a heavy and far-reaching responsibility to educate our next generation, our directors and builders of the world in the next 30 years, our offsprings who are bequeathed the precious spirit and intelligence of our founding fathers. My parents were mesmerized by this misleading trend when I was a baby in the cradle.
The first companion to me is not baby in the cradle of my age but a chunky rabbit older than me. I was excited to see this white fur ball staying quietly in the corner of the cage. I spent the whole afternoon stay with him, caressing his smooth shining fur and his cute big ears, speaking the new words I had already learned to him-- I have to admit that if he really have any instructive impact on me, it must be that I developed my pronunciation of" How do you do" and greetings of this sort--
embracing
and feeding him. After two days of getting along with this silent gentleman, I began to grow tired of him and the duty of feeding him and cleaning the cage fell on my mother's shoulder and at last no one had the interest of taking care of him.
After several weeks of neglect, he was so starved that he run away from our shadow, hope he would find a better master.
I have, up to now, received over 5 birds, 2 rabbits, 2 turtles, 3 chickens and 4 ducks, in sum 16 pets from my father-- my mother was more insightful that she never harm the life of nature by keeping them as my pets-- and 15 of them either died or escaped because of negligence. It was not that I was born with a lack of compassion and sympathy, it was just that children at the age of 3or 4 couldn't, under most circumstances, be able to shoulder the responsibility of nurturing another life-- we were all selfish and fickle at that time. Also, the company of those friends left me nothing grand, and nothing about true life and the meaning of nature

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xlvieri
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沙发

发表于 2010-8-30 23:21:20 |只看该作者

RE: 被SAT作文毒害的某女...托福作文含泪求拍求拍求拍~

One raise up in heaven while one dropped in hell.这是看了LZ的文章我心中最大的感受，当年饱受高考”荼毒“的我可写不出这种感觉。开头非常好，用词贴切新颖，显然是磨练出来的作品，开头起式显得十分到位。
有几个小毛病注意一下：
1.语法和笔误
For example：
The first companion to me is not a baby in the cradle of my age（这里建议改成 my frustrating lonelychildhood，用my age 显得太沧桑了，毕竟大家都没有五六十岁） but a chunky rabbit older than me（虽然ETS没说，但是不同种类生物比较年龄不是正式写作习惯）. I was excited to see this white fur ball staying quietly in the corner of the cage.（作者用这种比喻的话非常成功，但是还可以更high一点，this white sleep furball，注意不是fur ball ，wiki解释一切） I spent the whole afternoon staying with him, caressing his smooth shining fur and his cute big ears, speaking the new words I had already learned to him（and连接，同时建议写成sharing newly grasped vocabulary with him）-- I have to admit that if he really had any instructive impact on me, it could have been （虚拟语气，must 后也是have been） that I developed my pronunciation of" How do you do" and greetings of this sort--
After two days of getting along with（为什么不直接用heated company with呢？） this silent gentleman, I began to grow tired of him and the duty of feeding him and cleaning the cage fell on my mother's shoulder and at last no one had the interest of taking care of him./ O- s: o5 H% @6 a1 S- y
After several weeks of neglect（negligence？老美说neglect是名词，可他们用的很少）, he was so starved that he ran away from our shadow, hope（前面打句话，然后改成 Sincerely hope that）he would find a better master.……
LZ还是高中生的话，写到这个地步着实不易了（用词上比我30分速成类优秀）可是语法虽然ETS 在high上解释的是occasionally，但是the fewer, the better。鉴于我马上就要上战场了，我是把自己写好的txt扔进office检验记录错误的，效果不错，你可以试试。

2.句型上作者到正文上的应用就要欠了一点，记住，我不知道SAT怎么评的，但iBT上几乎不看你开头，E-rater是看你全文质量，所以后面的巨型也该differ一点。2种吧，中国恶心式的长句套短句外加插入语铺路或者是老美的逻辑词加短句叠加。

3.可能是SAT上能这样写，可是举自己的例子实在显得so individual and so special。You're trying to persuad others into your opnion，so you must make him aware of a picture there are thousands of people supporting your back。所以把你的例子中的I 去掉，改成people。化个体为普遍，这样显得commonly thought。

其余就不说了，这篇能拿个不错的分数（3.5~4分左右，高中生就有这实力了，羡慕呀。）你比我这个马上就要suffer的老头好多了，加油了！

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