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[i习作temp] 第一篇作文，跪求改！！！issue130 [复制链接]

haowatson
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2010-7-29 17:25:26 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 470
TIME:02:11:15
DATE: 2010-7-29 14:17:19

Children will grow up and be the master of our world. In that sense, children's socialization is very important to our society. However, good socialization does not mean good society. Moreover, we have not yet put enough emphasize on children's socialization while educate children and our education system still need to be improved.
Adimttedly, if we define "socialize" as adapting oneself to the society, I would throughtly agree with that children's socialization determines the destiny of out society. Imagining that children all grow up without verbal communicaton skills and they can not express the ideas in their head. What does our society would be like then? In the schools, teachers may speak in the platform without ending for that they can not express their thought clearly. In the companies, they may isolate for that they do not konw how to get well with each other. In the family, the generation gap between children and parents may be wider and wider for that they can not communicate with each other well. Our society may be worse and worse. Thus, children's socialization is nothing but important.
However, owning good socialization does not promise that our society would be good. There also something others matters, like sprit of innovation and confirm convinction. For example, Deng Xiaoping, the designer of reform and open policy, formulated "one country, two system" polocy. It was due to his innovation sprits, but not the socialization that china's international and military stature was greatly increased. Another example is Bill Gates, former chairman of Microsoft, who left Harward to found that company without thinging much about the result. Now, he and his wife create the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, which provides scholarships for poor studens and AIDS-infected person. Is what that makes the society good? This case apparently demonstrates that it is the firm convinctions matters. With only socialization, our society may not be good as it now. Consuquently, good society is determined not only by socialization but also sprits of innovation and convinctions.
What's more, our society has not paid enough attention to the children's socialization while treaning them. From our own experience, the phenomenon that "high scores while low capacity" is common in our schools. Children get high scores in schools while get little instructions for generation from teachers. Children may be knowledge owner but good worker while gradulating from schools. It is mainly because of that education systems put undue stress on the chideren’s scores when training children in schools. That is to say, adquate attention has not been paid on children’s socialization.
To sum up, from all that has been discussed above we may finally draw the conclusion that children's socialization is important to our society's destine as well as innovation sprits and convinction. And we society has not given due attention to children’s socialization.

GRE, Issue, 互改, 作文

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haowatson
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沙发

发表于 2010-7-29 17:27:18 |只看该作者

帮我改下吧！！！
跪求建议！！！
狠狠拍！
也可以互改
邮箱：haowatson@163.com

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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zxwhy825
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板凳

发表于 2010-7-30 22:22:30 |只看该作者

Children will grow up and be the master of our world. In that sense, children's socialization is very important to our society. However, good socialization does not mean good society. Moreover, we have not yet put enough emphasize on children's socialization while educate children and our education system still need to be improved.
Adimttedly, if we define "socialize" as adapting oneself to the society, I would throughtly agree with that children's socialization determines the destiny of out society. Imagining that children all grow up without verbal communicaton『拼写错误』
skills and they can not express the ideas in their head. What does our society would be like then? In the schools, teachers may speak in the platform without ending for that they can not express their thought clearly. In the companies, they may isolate for that they do not konw how to get well with each other. In the family, the generation gap between children and parents may be wider and wider for that they can not communicate with each other well. Our society may be worse and worse. Thus, children's socialization is nothing but important.
However, owning good socialization does not promise that our society would be good. There also something others matters, like sprit of innovation and confirm convinction. For example, Deng Xiaoping, the designer of reform and open policy, formulated "one country, two system" polocy. It was due to his innovation sprits, but not the socialization that china's international and military stature was greatly increased. Another example is Bill Gates, former chairman of Microsoft, who left Harward to found that company without thinging much about the result. Now, he and his wife create the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, which provides scholarships for poor studens and AIDS-infected person. Is what that makes the society good? This case apparently demonstrates that it is the firm convinctions matters. With only socialization, our society may not be good as it now. Consuquently, good society is determined not only by socialization but also sprits of innovation and convinctions.
What's more, our society has not paid enough attention to the children's socialization while treaning them. From our own experience『可能会判雷同』, the phenomenon that "high scores while low capacity" is common in our schools. Children get high scores in schools while get little instructions for generation from teachers. Children may be knowledge owner but good worker『语法错误』 while gradulating from schools. It is mainly because of that education systems put undue stress on the chideren’s scores when training children in schools. That is to say, adquate attention has not been paid on children’s socialization.
To sum up, from all that has been discussed above we may finally draw the conclusion that children's socialization is important to our society's destine as well as innovation sprits and convinction. And we society has not given due attention to children’s socialization.

先说几句好话。
文章，字数达到5，6分的标准。
文章结构，满足XDF新东方的范文模板。
开头:重述观点,表明立场（我们的社会对
孩子的教育投入还不够）
Body:1，定义socialization，imagine反例
证明socialization 很重要。
2让步，影响社会好坏的其他因素。
3观点我们的社会对
孩子的教育投入还不够
结尾: restate立场（我们的社会对
孩子的教育投入还不够）

而且Argument 和 issue最大的区别，你没有犯，你成功的建立了自己的观点。

但全文几十个拼写错误和几个语法错误，估计让你的文章，只能拿2分。
文章的观点，只有一个，“我们的社会对
孩子的教育投入还不够”，而且觉得，有点跑题。
文章的几个例子，也有些危险。可能判雷同。

问几个问题，
笔者什么时候机考？上过新东方么？

建议
1看看
追星剑特训。（文章的一些缺憾
看完自然明白。看完之前，多写issue，别人给的评论也没有多大用处）
2请不要
把 raw issue 传上论坛。这样虽然对你来说省事，但浪费总体的时间。

Tip:1写完issue把文章拷到word，找出拼写错误，并记录。
2把自己的提纲附上，和自己觉得的亮点highlight
3首先自己修改，把改完的文章，附上，并做说明。你想要大家改的必然是些
与logic有关的问题。拼写
语法错误，自己一定能解决。
3还是应该背一些，高级词汇的。

最后，附上我今天写的issue。。唉，被socialize囧了好久。。后面都没时间。。有兴趣可以改一下。

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zxwhy825
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地板

发表于 2010-7-30 22:24:30 |只看该作者

拼写错误，你把文章放到word 就会·发现（红色的只是一个例子。）
my 130
As the globalization are developing further and deeper all over the world, children never grow up alone like their ancestor. ^Instead, while our children are growing physically and mentally, they are learning how to treat the world, the people, the nature and all the things they have faced or will face , that is what are called "socialized".
Whether socialization of children benefit children or not, we can never prevent the trend that more and more children will be socialized, unwillingly or eagerly. What we can do is nothing but help our kids adapt to the unmodifiable trend, prepare them swimming freely in the wave of the history.
  The speaker worries, that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. The worries happens occasionally, when great changes shock the world. The Industry Revolution has witnessed the worry of that generation ,that whether their kids could make the good use the titanic machines that never exist on the earth. The Electronic Revolution  also has witnessed the worry of that generation ,that whether the kid  could lead the electronic technology to the light of human history.
  Admittedly, we never learned to how deal with the new things before they come in front of us. As the earth never stop spinning, novel-new things are bound to appear. However, it is proved right by the evolution history of human, that we are continuously heading forward marjorly, even if we fall down sometimes.
There is a paradox in the speaker's assertion, that is the  better society. How can we judge whether a society is better or not before it come true? And before we conclude that one thing is right ,how can we make a decision to teach our children ,"this is right, do it ,honey" .Does it strengthen the speaker's worry?  Definitely, not. The human history have told us the answer. We, human, not like machine, that only does the things ordered, the evolution has taught us the most important skill to develop, the skill to correct our mistakes. The two World Wars, have destroyed billions of human lives and staff worth of billions of dollars, nearly bring the world to the hell. But the history told us , suffered these pain ,now we are more wise and sophisticated than ever before, elevating the civilization of human being to a higher degree.
In sum, we should instill our kids with the value to correct mistakes, they have made and gain a lesson to prevent the same tragedy from happen again.
Only by doing this can our future really perceive a better society.

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yuren909
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5楼

发表于 2010-7-31 00:15:45 |只看该作者

（1）全篇五段，首位三段论。中规中矩，时间多可以再改，不多可以抓紧定型
（2）我感觉楼主在以后的文章中，开头可以再想想，写的更出彩一些，这篇开头中国英语很严重，逻辑性不好。倒不如干净利落表明观点的好。
（3）对于作文而言，尤其是Issue，思路是自己的，别人是跟着你的思路看下去的，所以还是要多写多练，自己感觉逻辑思路清晰，驾轻就熟的时候，别人也感觉哦是这样的。多写多想！

无论多么艰难的现在，终是记忆和过去~

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haowatson
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6楼

发表于 2010-8-1 00:11:36 |只看该作者

4# zxwhy825
As the globalization are (is) developing further and deeper all over the world, children never grow up alone like their ancestor. Instead, while our children are growing physically and mentally, they are learning how to treat the world, the people, the nature and all the things they have faced or will face, that (. That) is what are (is) called "socialized".
Whether socialization of children benefit children or not, we can never prevent the trend that more and more children will be socialized, unwillingly or eagerly. What we can do is nothing but help (helping) our kids adapt to the unmodifiable trend，prepare them swimming freely in the wave of the history.（值得我学习）
The speaker worries, that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. The worries （去掉s）happens occasionally, when great changes shock the world. The Industry Revolution has witnessed the worry of that generation ,that whether their kids could make the good use the titanic machines that never exist on the earth. The Electronic Revolution also has witnessed the worry of that generation, that whether the kid could lead the electronic technology to the light of human history.
Admittedly, we never learned to how （how to） deal with the new things before they come in front of us. As the earth never stop (stops) spinning, novel-new things are bound to appear. However, it is proved right by the evolution history of human, that we are continuously heading forward marjorly, even if we fall down sometimes.
There is a paradox in the speaker's assertion, (去掉逗号) that is the better society. How can we judge whether a society is better or not before it come true? And before we conclude that one thing is right ,how can we make a decision to teach our children ,"this is right, do it ,honey" .Does it strengthen the speaker's worry?Definitely, not. The human history have (has) told us the answer. We, human, not like machine, that only does the things ordered, the evolution has taught us the most important skill to develop, the skill to correct our mistakes. The two World Wars, have (having) destroyed billions of human lives and staff worth of billions of dollars, nearly bring the world to the hell. But the history told us, suffered these pain, now we are more wise and sophisticated than ever before, elevating the civilization of human being to a higher degree.
In sum, we should instill our kids with the value to correct mistakes, they have made and gain a lesson to prevent the same tragedy from happen again. Only by doing this can our future really perceive a better society.（升华）

1. anything but表示“决不是”，“并非”，“除此之外别的都是”。后面可以接名词，代词，形容词，分词及不带to的不定式
nothing but表示“只是；只有；只不过”。用法与anything but一样。
2.优点很明显，长难句，排比句，反问句，设问句，升华！！！
3.备注：如有改的不对的地方，相互探讨！

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