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diamond_dream
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2010-8-23 19:13:09 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

:p 大家好！欢迎来到diamond_dream 的作文贴（IBT——独立写作小组的作业），欢迎大家提出宝贵意见！
:handshake 祝大家考试顺利！

diamond, dream, 考试, 作文

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diamond_dream
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沙发

发表于 2010-8-23 19:20:34 |只看该作者

TOPIC:
(09. 01.23 NA）Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career.
WORDS: 402
TIME: 00:27:47
DATE: 2010-08-23 18:18:51

With the progress of the society, people have more and more diversified choices of career. Before final decision of a long term career, it is helpful to try a number of different jobs.

The development of the society creates millions of opportunities. Among so many choices, people would get confused and can not easily find a specific career direction. Especially nowadays, there are many people who are excellent at not only one area. Therefore, maybe taking several different jobs can provide a way out, that is to say, it is easier to make decision after real experience, while it was impossible for a person to experience several jobs in the past.

As far as I am concerned, I will definitely grab all opportunities of job hunting. When I studied in college, I have taken two part-time jobs: one was to teach a high-school student maths, the other was to host a street show for a company advertisement. These two part-time jobs not only enriched my life but also provided me more choices of work in the future. Besides, I was delightful that I could make it, just like I was a good teacher and also a skillful master. Moreover, I still want to try some other jobs of various kinds. It would be so boring and awful to take the same job and repeat the same work every day at the beginning.

I crave change, so the idea of challenging new things excites me. Besides, trying different jobs can help me find drawbacks and therefore I can perfect myself from different angles.

For some people, it may need a long period to test what kinds of jobs suit them. For example, an ordinary security technician just worked regularly every day, and his job was as simple as equipping a telephone. However, he was fond of writing and never gave up. He also tried some other common jobs, which seemed nothing but actually provided inspiration for his composition. Eventually, his casual compositions hit a famous broker`s eye who introduced him into his current job--writing lyrics. Many of the songs are sung by Asian famous pop singer Jay. And this great songwriter is Wenshan Fang. Examples as such are numerous.

In conclusion, it would be better for people to experience some different jobs which can broaden their imagination and vision. Consequently, they can do the final, long term job better with accumulated broad knowledge.

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diamond_dream
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板凳

发表于 2010-8-26 16:33:48 |只看该作者

TOPIC: 8.26 (09.02.21 NA) Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Newspapers and magazines are the best ways to learn about a foreign country?
WORDS: 361 TIME: 00:23:54 DATE: 2010-08-26 16:19:14

With the development of the modern mass media, there are more and more opportunities for people around the world to get to know foreign countries. The world has opened the door, and newspapers as well as magazines give people the key.

Through newspapers, people have the access to daily news about foreign countries. We can know the war affairs happening far away without stepping out of house; We can learn about new policies framed and their further influence through specific related reports; We can also be informed of newest scientific findings without reading the whole research papers or attending the lectures in person. For example, I was shocked when I first heard that an ordinary student in America discovered a kind of germ which can digest plastics and therefore could solve part of environment pollution problems. I also remember how I was moved when reading report covering the hardships local residents had been through during Iraq war.

Besides, magazines also display a new window to know the world. For example, the world top scientific magazines such as Cell, Nature, and Science almost include all the most advanced and newest scientific fruits all around the world, which are so valuable and instrumental for the scientists. Without them, the development of science would be unbelievably slow. Furthermore, diversified cultures of different people around the world can also be read in magazines. For example, special reports on Chinese ethnic groups give the world a chance to learn about an angle of this developing country.

Nonetheless, newspapers and magazines also own their unavoidable limitation. No doubt that every newspaper or magazine has a tendency more or less. For example, there are newspapers of various kinds supporting different political sides. Consequently, the reports can not reflect the whole real situation. For example, but for Olympics held in Beijing, 2008, many people of other countries would think that China was still in great poverty and all the people were riding ragged bicycles, no cars, no tall buildings, not to mention colorful life.

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diamond_dream
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地板

发表于 2010-8-27 16:52:56 |只看该作者

8.28

TOPIC: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A job with more vacation time but a low salary is better than a job with a high salary but less vacation time.

WORDS: 518
TIME: 00:28:44
DATE: 2010-08-27 16:46:09

To many people, the desire for money can never be satisfied. Whereas for other people, who may be rich enough or claim that they want to escape from the mundane world, money is just a symbol, an intermedium for transaction. Nevertheless, whoever you are, you need to work on you job.

As to job, salary must be taken into consideration. It is believed that high salary always comes with a relatively busy job with less vacation time. But I personally think that it still deserves. Receiving higher education through these years, we all want to find a decent job and earn a lot of money in order to satisfy our sense of value.

So we need to choose the job we really have big interest in. No matter how long time we spend in it, we will not feel bored. People could find satisfaction in their job rather than just working to live.

Moreover, as a common creature in the world, I never deny the importance of money. There are many people who think money would bring calamity and bad luck. As far as I am concerned, it is man instead of money that should be responsible for bad luck. Whether money can bring you good luck or bad luck totally depends on people’s attitudes and activities. Therefore, high-salary job is preferable to the opposite choice to me; even I may lose some vacation.

Sacrificing part of my own leisure time, I can please my families and friends with the money I earn diligently. I am sure they will miss me and like me more.

Here are my plans: First, I will purchase a big house with a commodious yard in a quiet place for my parents. Since my dad is fond of peaceful life in village, in the yard, he can raise a dog and plant some flowers. Whereas my mom like playing Mahjong with her friends as well as shopping, but that won’t get me. I will buy her a car for her convenience. Second, I will spare no efforts to give my kids in the future the best education. Although I may be busy with my job, I will never give up taking care of my children, and I know that it is not enough just to give them money. Besides, during holiday, I can spend sweet time with my husband anywhere we want to go, to enjoy the beauty of nature, the service of high quality, and paradise of love. Although there will be more vacations of I choose the job with less pay, I prefer anything less but better. Finally, I would like to share my money with needy people who are anxious about food, shelter, and some other basic needs.

In conclusion, job with high salary not only enriches my experience of life, but also give me a chance to make others happy. So why not try?

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fair_lady
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5楼

发表于 2010-8-27 17:25:19 |只看该作者

2# diamond_dream 8月24日
Withthe progress of the society, people have more and more diversified choices ofcareer. Before final decision of a long term career, it is helpful to try anumber of different jobs. （开头简介明了，值得学习）
The developmentof the society creates millions of opportunities. Among so many choices, peoplewould get confused and can not easily find a specific career direction.Especially nowadays, there are many people who are excellent at not only onearea. Therefore, maybe taking several different jobs can provide a way out,that is to say, it is easier to make decision after real experience, while itwas impossible for a person to experience several jobs in the past.. ]9 O1 B1 r9 k/ h& _8 E3 [
As far as I am concerned,I will definitely grab all opportunities of job hunting. When I studied incollege, I have taken two part-time jobs: one was to teach a high-schoolstudent maths, the other was to host a street show for a company advertisement.These two part-time jobs not only enriched my life but also provided me morechoices of work in the future. Besides, I was delightful that I could make it,just like I was a good teacher and also a skillful master. Moreover, I stillwant to try some other jobs of various kinds. It would be so boring and awfulto take the same job and repeat the same work every day at the beginning. （感觉这一段的意思很散，提到了尝试不同工作的许多好处：morechoices; promote self confidence; change and challenge; 这么多好处，重点想讲哪一个呢？或者这样总结性的论述放在开头或者结尾是不是比较好？）

Icrave change, so the idea of challenging new things excites me. Besides, tryingdifferent jobs can help me find drawbacks and therefore I can perfect myselffrom different angles. （这一段很突兀，跟前后好像没什么关系）
For some people,it may need a long period to test what kinds of jobs suit them. For example, anordinary security technician just worked regularly every day, and his job wasas simple as equipping a telephone. However, he was fond of writing and nevergave up. He also tried some other common jobs, which seemed nothing butactually provided inspiration for his composition. Eventually, his casualcompositions hit a famous broker`s eye who introduced him into his currentjob--writing lyrics. Many of the songs are sung by Asian famous pop singer Jay.And this great songwriter is Wenshan Fang. Examples as such are numerous. （这一段的意思似乎又跟第二段承接上了，都在讲尝试机会）

In conclusion, itwould be better for people to experience some different jobs which can broadentheir imagination and vision. Consequently, they can do the final, long termjob better with accumulated broad knowledge

总结起来，觉得lz的开头结尾值得学习，还有自己的实习经历、方文山的例子举得很好。不足就是文章的谋篇布局显得有点散，或者说是老外看重的“逻辑”不太清楚，段落与段落间关系缺少衔接。lz不妨再试试用更清楚的结构把文中的例子串起来。
呵呵个人愚见啊，有什么不同的观点我们多交流吧~~

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bbliang
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6楼

发表于 2010-8-27 20:17:11 |只看该作者

With the development of the modern mass media, there are more and more opportunities for people around the world to get to know foreign countries. The world has opened the door, and newspapers as well as magazines give people the key.' E4 z+ `6 S7 n! x; K6 ?- k+ J
4 A7 e0 w. M) R& E3 l( [' i
Through newspapers, people have the access to daily news about foreign countries. We can know the war affairs happening far away without stepping out of house; We can learn about new policies framed and their further influence through specific related reports; We can also be informed of newest scientific findings without reading the whole research papers or attending the lectures in person.(这儿举例子稍微有点离题了） For example, I was shocked when I first heard that an ordinary student（这儿说学生似乎没有必要，且有跑题的嫌疑） in America discovered a kind of germ which can digest plastics and therefore could solve part of environment pollution problems. I also remember how I was moved when reading report covering the hardships local residents had been through during Iraq war.
# D0 N+ W* O U' M0 J+ B5 N: R
Besides, magazines also display a new window to know the world. For example, the world top scientific magazines such as Cell, Nature, and Science almost include all the most advanced and newest scientific fruits all around the world, which are so valuable and instrumental for the scientists.（例子应该紧扣“foreign counties"来说） Without them, the development of science would be unbelievably slow. （这句就说的更远了）Furthermore, diversified cultures of different people around the world can also be read in magazines. For example, special reports on Chinese ethnic groups give the world a chance to learn about an angle of this developing country（这儿例子没有展开来写，显得很干瘪）w9 \( h* h' \
6 }, t4 h7 S6 E1 F
Nonetheless, newspapers and magazines also own their unavoidable limitation. （这儿加个“It is"句子才是完整的）No doubt that every newspaper or magazine has a tendency more or less. For example, there are newspapers of various kinds supporting different political sides. Consequently, the reports can not reflect the whole real situation. For example, but for Olympics held in Beijing, 2008, many people of other countries would think that China was still in great poverty and all the people were riding ragged bicycles,(这儿加个“with"句子结构才是完整的） no cars, no tall buildings, not to mention colorful life.

总评：
1. 本文句子表达严谨，低级错误很少，而且写作时间严格控制在30分钟以内。（这一点比较崇拜，相比之下我就逊很多了）
2. 立意感觉有点儿偏题，主要题目关键词在“the best ways, a foreign country”上，文章应该重在阐述为什么newspapers and magazines是最好的方式（个人觉得通过和其他方式比较是比较能说明问题的）而且对象是a foreign country。可文章中只列举了newspapers and magazines的几个好处，并没有充分说明问题。
3. 所举例子一不够丰满，二不是很切题，好几个例子更像是在说报纸杂志对科技的好处，而不是对了解一个国家的好处。
4.
建议：最好在不同方面和了解一个国家的其他方式进行比较论证，且有丰满恰当的例子予以支撑。

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fair_lady
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7楼

发表于 2010-8-28 15:55:00 |只看该作者

抱歉哦昨天好像改错作文了，再来改一篇吧呵呵

With thedevelopment of the modern mass media, there are more and more opportunities forpeople around the world to get to know foreign countries. The world has openedthe door, and newspapers as well as magazines give people the key. (比喻很漂亮，这段本身我觉得没有问题，含蓄地点题了。但我不确定这种开篇不摆明观点的做法会不会影响TOEFL作文评分？)

Throughnewspapers, people have the access to daily news about foreign countries. Wecan know the war affairs happening far away without stepping out of house; Wecan learn about new policies framed and their further influence throughspecific related reports; We can also be informed of newest scientific findingswithout reading the whole research papers or attending the lectures in person.For example, I was shocked when I first heard that an ordinary student inAmerica discovered a kind of germ which can digest plastics and therefore couldsolve part of environment pollution problems. I also remember how I was movedwhen reading report covering the hardships local residents had been throughduring Iraq war.

Besides,magazines also display a new window to know the world. For example, the worldtop scientific magazines such as Cell, Nature, and Science almost include allthe most advanced and newest scientific fruits all around the world, which areso valuable and instrumental for the scientists. Without them, the developmentof science would be unbelievably slow. （可能是我们对“learn about a country” 的理解不一样？我觉得前面这段跟主题没什么关系，只是单纯在讲杂志的好处，而且仅局限于某一类杂志，可能作者对这类杂志了解比较多？）Furthermore, diversifiedcultures of different people around the world can also be read in magazines.For example, special reports on Chinese ethnic groups give the world a chanceto learn about an angle of this developing country.（后半段才是紧扣主题的）

Nonetheless,newspapers and magazines also own their unavoidable limitation. No doubt thatevery newspaper or magazine has a tendency more or less. For example, there arenewspapers of various kinds supporting different political sides. Consequently,the reports can not reflect the whole real situation. For example, but forOlympics held in Beijing, 2008, many people of other countries would think thatChina was still in great poverty and all the people were riding raggedbicycles, no cars, no tall buildings, not to mention colorful life. （最后这个句式很漂亮，例子也举得好，只是but跟在for example 后面感觉有点突兀，试试改成if not for 这样的虚拟句式？）

感觉作者没有写完啊。。。。没有任何总结么？

总的来说，我觉得比作者24号那篇作文好，结构清晰、紧凑，语言也挺漂亮。只是的确如ls所说，好像中间写偏题了

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8楼

发表于 2010-8-29 06:57:31 |只看该作者

第一次改作文。希望能提出意见。半小时能写500多字，这水平很高了，佩服。

8.28

TOPIC: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A job with more vacation time but a low salary is better than a job with a high salary but less vacation time.! G& t( ~2 P' V" ~/ C

WORDS: 518
TIME: 00:28:44
DATE: 2010-08-27 16:46:09:

To many people, the desire for money can never be satisfied. Whereas for other people, who may be rich enough or claim that they want to escape from the mundane world（这个词不错）, money is just a symbol, an intermedium for transaction. Nevertheless, whoever you are, you need to work on you job.（这句不大懂，谁都需要工作？）

As to job, salary must be taken into consideration（这个短语用得好）. It is believed that high salary always comes with（用得不错） a relatively busy job with less vacation time. But I personally think that it still deserves. Receiving higher education through these years, we all want to find a decent job and earn a lot of money in order to satisfy our sense of value.

（这里的因果关系，我不是太懂）So we need to choose the job we really have big interest in. No matter how long time we spend in it, we will not feel bored. People could find satisfaction in their job rather than just working to live.

Moreover, as a common creature in the world, I never deny the importance of money. There are many people who think money would bring calamity and bad luck. As far as I am concerned（好短语）, it is man instead of money that should be responsible for bad luck. Whether money can bring you good luck or bad luck totally depends on people’s attitudes and activities. Therefore, high-salary job is preferable to the opposite choice to me; even I may lose some vacation.（这一段论证不算强，说的是money，而不是工作和假期）

Sacrificing part of my own leisure time, I can please my families and friends with the money I earn diligently（好词）. I am sure they will miss me and like me more.

Here are my plans: First, I will purchase a big house with a commodious yard in a quiet place for my parents. Since my dad is fond of peaceful life in village, in the yard, he can raise a dog and plant some flowers. Whereas my mom like playing Mahjong with her friends as well as shopping, but that won’t get me. I will buy her a car for her convenience. Second, I will spare no efforts to give my kids in the future the best education. Although I may be busy with my job, I will never give up taking care of my children, and I know that it is not enough just to give them money. （这一段倒是可以展开）Besides, during holiday, I can spend sweet time with my husband anywhere we want to go, to enjoy the beauty of nature, the service of high quality, and paradise of love. Although there will be more vacations of I choose the job with less pay, I prefer anything less but better. Finally, I would like to share my money with needy people who are anxious about food, shelter, and some other basic needs.

In conclusion, job with high salary not only enriches my experience of life（呵呵，这个观点前面没有展开）, but also give me a chance to make others happy（这个很充分）. So why not try?

这么厉害，在这么段时间里，说了很多内容，很棒了。如果拿更多时间修改，我想象会更好。比如， make others (family and friends ) more happy这个观点很成功，但前面一个观点好像有点模糊。总体上，很不错。我也学了不少好用法。谢谢。

http://snowdj.126.com

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