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jeanne_zj
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2010-8-12 18:14:06 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 jeanne_zj 于 2010-8-12 18:15 编辑

jeanne_zj的第一篇作文大家多多指点啊~8.12
   No one can deny the fact that nobody can success without other peoples’ help,especially in modern society.However,people who offer you help would have their own reasons.Your strengths and accomplishments can make them believe their devotion on you is reasonable.Consequently,I agree with the statement that we can’t get successful if other people don’t know about our achievements.And this viewpoint can be applied in different stages.

To begin with,students in schools,no matter primary school,middle school,even college,they should performance better to distinguish themselves.Why this happen?They want their accomplishments to be known to their teachers,who maybe devote more on their favorable students.For example,when I was in high school,I usually studied hard and had high marks.All of this made my teacher noticed me,then sometimes he would talk with me and help me with my weaker area.As a result,my academic performance had improved more quickly than ever before.Therefore,high marks made my teacher know my strength,he was willing to offer his help to me.So it’s essential for students to make influential person such as teachers know you strength if you want to success.

   Besides,for people who are seaching jobs or have already worked in companies,it’s also important to make themselves outstanding.Because this may put them in favorable position in job market and enhance job opportunities and promotion opportunities.Take my friend John for instance,he is a senior student and finishing school this year,and he is finding a job.Unlike other students,his process of finding a job is easy.What makes employers choose him are his variety kinds of certificates,which let employers know his ability.This is an important step of his successful career.To people who have workde for companies,making sure you boss know you have focused your whole energy on your work is of great significence.Because in the view of your hard work,your boss will give you more opportunities for promotion.

   From what have been discussed above,I am firmly convinced,making your ability known to other people,especially influential people or your employers, is of vital importance.Because only if they notice your intelligence,they will consider to offer your help,consequently,you can achieve more in your studies or career.Then success is smiling to you.

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rebaccajill
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沙发

发表于 2010-8-14 13:16:12 |只看该作者

Jill(蚊子)已改完~~请指教！！

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jeanne_zj
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板凳

发表于 2010-8-14 18:10:34 |只看该作者

0814

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2510wangqi
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地板

发表于 2010-8-15 10:27:47 |只看该作者

文章已修改，详见附件。

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5楼

发表于 2010-8-15 13:25:50 |只看该作者

改好了，请查收~

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jeanne_zj
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6楼

发表于 2010-8-17 18:17:14 |只看该作者

0817

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jeanne_zj
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8楼

发表于 2010-8-19 18:35:28 |只看该作者

0819

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9楼

发表于 2010-8-20 19:18:27 |只看该作者

8# jeanne_zj

你好批改完毕

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God Bless me!
我想我可以的!是一定可以的!是一定一定不错的!

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jeanne_zj
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10楼

发表于 2010-8-21 17:04:51 |只看该作者

0821

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matlab007
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11楼

发表于 2010-8-22 00:07:16 |只看该作者

8.19 修改matlab对不起传的晚了。谢谢你给我的修改。

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it will make sense in the end.

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superchaos
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12楼

发表于 2010-8-22 12:43:20 |只看该作者

8月21日交$ q% p% c3 h8 B& Y* S+ i
(09.01.17 NA )Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Advertising is the most important cause of unhealthy eating habits
With the development of modern society, an increasing number of people have formed many unhealthy eating habits, such as preferring to the instant food and eating in irregular way. Meantime advertising has been considered as the most important cause of these bad habits. As for me, there are other reasons which contribute more to this fact.

To begin with, the quick pace of modern society plays an essential role in people’s unhealthy eating habits. Nowadays, the pace of people’s life has become faster and faster. One may fall behind even if he rests for a while. Therefore, one who wants to succeed must sacrifice other time to keep pace with others, such as eating time. That’s why the instant food is so popular in these years. The instant food can help people to shorten the time used for meals. As a result, unhealthy habits have been developed by these instant foods(我知道你想表达的,但这样说显然不合适,考虑改成:these instant foods contribute to the development of bad eating habits).

Besides, most of the time, people’s bad eating habits are formed by themselves. They don’t have self-controllers. Otherwise, even if there are many temptations on the TV or newspaper advertisings, they also can refuse them, concerning about his own health. For example, it’s reported that a man always keeps eating even though he is too fat to move himself. When he is interviewed, he just says he can control himself. Obviously, he knows the result of being stuffed. So only when people can control themselves and put their physical fitness ahead of anything would they quit these improper eating habits..

However, it must be admitted that advertising undoubtedly has some important effects on people’s eating habits. It keeps telling people how delicious these junk foods are. To many people, it’s really attracting.

From what have been discussed above, it’s safe to conclude that advertising is an important factor that influences these unhealthy habits, but not the most essential. There are other reasons also exerting tremendous impacts on improper eating habits of modern people.

写的挺好的,句子通顺,一些词汇用的也很好,建议可以考虑在多用一些长句,例如第三段里面……
倒数第二段略显突兀..段尾可以考虑多写一二句来点题,说明Ad在某些方面或者对某些人的确影响了他们的饮食习惯……前面都挺好的,为什么最后一段前面来了个模板..既然前面都是自己的风格,就将这种风格进行到底啊,别搞模板了..自己照应下主题或者升华一下论点,没问题的...
PS：本人水平有限..如有不对的地方恳请指正...共同进步 :)

Life's too short to waste.

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jywbaby
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13楼

发表于 2010-8-22 14:35:20 |只看该作者

10# jeanne_zj
不好意思没权限传附件写的不错就是篇幅有点短学习了
8月21日交$ q% p% c3 h8 B& Y* S+ i
(09.01.17 NA )Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Advertising is the most important cause of unhealthy eating habits
With the development of modern society, an increasing number of people have formed many unhealthy eating habits, such as preferring to the instant food and eating in irregular ways. Meantime advertising has been considered as the most important cause of these bad habits. As for me, there are other reasons which contribute more to this fact.

To begin with, the quick pace of modern society plays an essential role in people’s unhealthy eating habits. Nowadays, the pace of people’s life has become(is becoming) faster and faster. One may fall behind only if he rests for a while. Therefore, one who wants to succeed must sacrifice other time to keep pace with others, such as eating time. That’s why the instant food is so popular in these years. The instant food can help people to shorten the time using to have meals. As a result, unhealthy habits have been developed by these instant foods.

Besides, most of the time, people’s bad eating habits are formed by themselves. They don’t have self-controllers(貌似没有这个用法，They can’t be self-controled). Otherwise, even if there are many temptations on the TV or newspaper advertisings, they also can refuse them as they are concerned about his own health. For example, it’s reported that a man always keeps eating even though he is too fat to move himself. When he is interviewed, he just says he can’t control himself. Obviously, he knows the result of being stuffed. So only when people can control themselves and put their physical fitness ahead of anything would they quit(abandon) these improper eating habits..

However, it must be admitted that advertising undoubtedly has some important effects on people’s eating habits. It keeps telling people how delicious these junk foods are. To many people, it’s really attracting.

From what have been discussed above, it’s safe to conclude that advertising is an important factor that influences(form) these unhealthy habits, but not the most essential. There are other reasons also exerting tremendous impacts on improper eating habits of modern people.

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jeanne_zj
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14楼

发表于 2010-8-24 16:12:31 |只看该作者

0824

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