寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托语言类备考版 › TOEFL考试(IBT)讨论版 › misslily求R老师独立作文批阅

返回列表

查看: 1960|回复: 3

[求助] misslily求R老师独立作文批阅 [复制链接]

misslily
UID: 3396056

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 50
寄托币: 135
注册时间: 2012-11-9
精华: 0
帖子: 39

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2012-12-6 21:29:52 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 misslily 于 2012-12-6 21:32 编辑

Friends to have fun with are more important than friends who can help you

As people's social life becomes diversified, an increasing number of people now come to realize the significance of friends who we spend so much time along with. Therefore, there is a universal yet partial awareness that friends to have fun with are more important that those who can help us. However, I really doubt whether such statement bears further analysis?

Admittedly, friends who bring us with so much laughter can brighten our life for their optimism and passion always keep us from blueness. With these friends, we laugh and dance in the party, which create amount of fun for us.

However, as the old saying goes, a friend in need is a friend indeed. Those who do us a favor when we are in trouble are the most important friends, instead of those who only enjoy the happiness with us. To begin with, a true friend always cares about our life and supports us with what we are in badly need. For a poverty man, the true friends are those who can offer him food, shed and encourage him to conquer the defeat. While those funny stories told by other friends and exciting parties enjoyed with them cannot protect the man from starvation and coldness that may lead him to die. Just like the story of the winner of the Noble Prize in literature named Mo Yan, it is his best friend who are not rich that gave Mo financial help to support him writing. We can imagine that if his friends just had fun with him and told funny stories to him instead of financial aid, Mo cannot live, let alone writing and even achieving the prize. Besides the material help, a true friend can do us a favor spiritually. A man may forget his pain of failure and feel released when hanging out or going to party with some friends who just give you an escape. Only in the aid of friends by analyzing the reasons of failure and finding a way to promote our abilities of studying and working can we achieve our goal in the future. No one is born success. We become successful assisted by our friends. On the contrary, those funny friends guide you to a road far away from success.

In short, a friend who can help us is dramatically more vital than a friend whom we have fun with. If there is anyone who still doubts the significance of the assist we gain from friends, who still wonders if success can be achieved only by our own efforts, who still questions the power of our friends to raise us up, this essay is the answer.

相关帖子 Updated by 2024.11.23

回应
0

使用道具举报

mpromanus
UID: 2565872

长老一袋

Rank: 8 Rank: 8

声望: 762
寄托币: 12296
注册时间: 2008-10-30
精华: 4
帖子: 907

沙发

发表于 2012-12-9 11:34:25 |只看该作者

Friends to have fun with are more important than friends who can help you.

As people's social life becomes diversified, an increasing number of people now come to realize the significance of friends who we spend so much time along with. Therefore, there is a universal yet partial awareness that friends to have fun with are more important that those who can help us (I don't really know why this awareness must be 'universal yet partial', since I can't see any particular reasoning that illustrates this particular description..but I don't really care since this is not a GRE essay..). However, I really doubt whether such a statement bears further analysis.

Admittedly, friends who bring us with so much laughter can brighten our lives for their optimism and passion always keep us from blueness. With these friends, we laugh and dance in the parties, which create amount of fun (Not really sure what you intended to say but I'm guessing 'amountS of fun', which is just really 'lots of fun'.) for us.

However, as the old saying goes, a friend in need is a friend indeed. Those who do us a favor when we are in trouble are the most important friends, instead of those who only enjoy the happiness with us. To begin with, a true friend always cares about our lives and supports us with what we are in badly need of. For a poverty man ('poverty' is a noun, not an adjective.), the true friends are those who can offer him food, a shed and encourage him to conquer the defeat (What does 'defeat' have to do with 'poverty'?). While those funny stories told by other friends and exciting parties enjoyed with them cannot protect the man from the starvation and coldness that may lead him to death. Just like the story of the winner of the Noble (It's 'Nobel'. 'noble' is a completely different word.) Prize in literature named Mo Yan, it is his best friend who is not rich that gave Mo financial help to support him in writing. We can imagine that if his friends just had fun with him and told funny stories to him instead of giving financial aid, Mo cannot live, let alone to continue with writing and even achieving the prize. Besides the material help, a true friend can do us a favor spiritually. A man may forget his pain of failure and feel released when hanging out or going to parties with some friends who just give you (This sentence was started in the 3rd person. What's the 2nd person 'you' doing here?) an escape. Only in the aid of friends by analyzing the reasons of failure and finding a way to promote our abilities of studying and working (Who is doing the 'analyzing' and 'finding'? 'we' or 'friends'?) can we achieve our goals in the future. No one is born with success. We become successful assisted by our friends. On the contrary, those funny friends guide you to a road far away from success.

In short, a friend who can help us is dramatically more vital than a friend whom we have fun with (Again, I don't really see why you must describe this as 'dramatic'..). If there is anyone who still doubts the significance of the assistance we gain from friends, who still wonders if success can be achieved only by our own efforts, who still questions the power of our friends to raise us up, this essay is the answer.

总结：

好吧你的文属于慷慨陈词型的。。这本身倒不是神马问题，你基本功相当不错，但是你用的那些高级词汇句式神马的有不少其实语法语义上没用对所以并没有实质上让你的文章上到一个特别的高度。。

2016 fall语言学Phd申请情况叨叨帖
DMC 3表忠心花痴帖！

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

使用道具举报

misslily
UID: 3396056

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 50
寄托币: 135
注册时间: 2012-11-9
精华: 0
帖子: 39

板凳

发表于 2012-12-9 13:24:50 |只看该作者

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-9 11:34
Friends to have fun with are more important than friends who can help you.

As people's social lif ...

非常感谢R老师如此细致的修改，慷慨陈词，你不说我都没意识到，好吧，我承认我最近在听奥巴马演讲。。。
我自己写完还读了几遍呢，语法错误一个都没看出来，惭愧啊。错误百出。。回去面壁。。。

使用道具举报

misslily
UID: 3396056

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 50
寄托币: 135
注册时间: 2012-11-9
精华: 0
帖子: 39

地板

发表于 2012-12-9 13:31:09 |只看该作者

mpromanus 发表于 2012-12-9 11:34
Friends to have fun with are more important than friends who can help you.

As people's social lif ...

Only in the aid of friends by analyzing the reasons of failure and finding a way to promote our abilities of studying and working (Who is doing the 'analyzing' and 'finding'? 'we' or 'friends'?)

老师~~这句怎么修改呢？这样行吗：
Only with the aid of friends，can we analyze the reasons of failure, find a way to promote our abilities of studying and working and achieve our goals in the future.

使用道具举报