[优秀习作] Issue7 [复制链接]

bjzhj_2000
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2003-11-13 23:27:30 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Issue 7
"The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."

提纲：
1. 开头提出观点，下面针对摄像机是否会替代用笔进行写作做出讨论。
2. 一方面，摄像机与笔录相比有其不可替代的优势。
3. 另一方面，摄像机在某些方面确实无法替代笔录方式。
4. 总体来说，摄像机还是无法替代笔录方式。

With the development of digital technology, it occurs lots of new ways, which are replacing traditional ones gradually in some fields, such as e-mail vs. ordinary mail, calculator vs. abacus. Admittedly, some new ways are more effective and convenient than traditional ones, but I don't think it is possible for all new ways to take place traditional ones, such as video camera vs. written records.

On the one hand, it is true that video camera has lots of advantages over written records in some aspects. Firstly, video camera can provide people a more vivid image accompanied with sound, and let them understand things more directly and impressively, which can not be provided by written records. Secondly, video camera can record temporal incidents without any subjective judgments, for example, today, people can watch living reports by TV, which exhibits real things just as one is on the scene, that is a great deficiency of written records, which more or less adulterates the author's judgments because of people's instinct. Thirdly, video camera can make illiteracy know the truth that can only be acquired by intellectual; this eliminates inequality between illiteracy and intellectual, who want to realize true things. Finally, video camera can make the documentation records more conveniently and quickly than written records, by video camera people can record things as soon as possible, nevertheless people have to spend lots of time on thinking and writing things if one want to record it, which can not let people know things in the first time.

On the other hand, in comparison with video camera, written records may have some advantages that not belonging to video camera. In the firstly place, written records can record some abstract things like social ideology, people's thinking, heart varieties and so on, all of these can not be recorded by video camera. In the secondly place, video camera can only record things during special time, because of the restriction of storage space, as well-known, if one wants to record something by video camera, it must provide enough storage space to do it, which perhaps is very large. For example, it may need hundreds of mega-bytes for one to record one-minute images. Finally, it must provide electric power for video camera to provide energy sources for it, if there is no power, people can know what happens by no means, at the same time, people must possess corresponding devices accompanied with video camera to project documentations, such as TV, cable and so on, which are not needed by written records.

In conclusion, without video camera people can not get acute and pure objective information in time, without written records people can not get systemic and abstract information like history, so it is hard to say whether video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records or not. In order to produce effective results, we should use them in different fields according to their features.

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coolwits
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沙发

发表于 2003-11-14 05:40:40 |只看该作者

响应号召,第一次改作文

Issue 7
"The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."

提纲：
1. 开头提出观点，下面针对摄像机是否会替代用笔进行写作做出讨论。
2. 一方面，摄像机与笔录相比有其不可替代的优势。
3. 另一方面，摄像机在某些方面确实无法替代笔录方式。
4. 总体来说，摄像机还是无法替代笔录方式。

With the development of digital technology, it occurs lots of new ways,
which are replacing traditional ones gradually in some fields, such as e-mail vs ordinary mail, calculator vs. abacus..(那个从句显得拖沓,不如直接用: new methods are gradually replacing traditional ones in some fields,such as **) Admittedly, some new ways are more effective and convenient (than traditional ones,删掉) but I don't think it is possible for all new ways to take place (take the place of )traditional ones, such as video camera vs. written records.
感觉用词很重复（vs，ones，such as），不过开篇表明立场，结构没错

On the one hand, it is true that video camera has lots of advantages over written records in some aspects. Firstly, video camera can provide people a more vivid image accompanied with sound, and let them understand （perceive）things more directly and impressively,（ which can not be provided by written records.删掉） Secondly, video camera can record temporal incidents without any subjective judgments, for example, today, people can watch living reports by（on） TV, which exhibits real things just as one is （they are）on the scene（screen），that is a great （）deficiency of written records, which more or less adulterates the author's judgments because of people's instinct. （意思表的不清，最好写成两句）Thirdly, video camera can make illiteracy know the truth that can only be acquired by intellectual （加before，不然逻辑就不对了）; this eliminates inequality between illiteracy and intellectual, （who want to realize true things.这个从句位置不好，不知道修饰谁） Finally, video camera can make the documentation records more conveniently and quickly than written records, by video camera people can record things as soon as possible, nevertheless people have to spend lots of time on thinking and writing things if one want to record it, which can not let people know things in the first time.
想法很好，内容丰富，但感觉写得有点乱，而且没有深入论证
其实只要抓住主要的优势重点论述就好了

On the other hand, in comparison with video camera, written records may have some advantages that not belonging to （against）video camera. In the firstly place, written records can record some abstract things like social ideology, people's thinking, heart varieties and so on, all of these （which）can not be recorded by video camera. In the secondly place, video camera can only record things during special time, because of the restriction of storage space, as well-known,（著名？） if one wants to record something by video camera, it must provide enough storage space to do it, which perhaps is very large. For example, it may need hundreds of mega-bytes for one to record one-minute images. Finally, it must provide electric power for video camera to provide energy sources for it, if there is no power, people can know what happens by no means, at the same time, people must possess corresponding devices accompanied with video camera to project documentations, such as TV, cable and so on, which are not needed by written records.
感觉句式乱，有些句子明明是两句话，非要写成一句
然后承接词也用得不好，读起来费力

In conclusion, without video camera people can not get acute and pure objective information in time, without written records people can not get systemic and abstract information like history, so it is hard to say whether video camera has become a more important form of documentation than written records or not. （怎么又hard to say whether****了，你要立场明确阿）In order to produce effective results, we should use them in different fields according to their features.

我们从未爱上过任何人，往往都是爱上什么样的人才可爱的观念。

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