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[活动] 【独立写作】同题作文写作之【版主点评】 [复制链接]

SYNCIA
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2013-1-26 21:14:30 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 SYNCIA 于 2013-2-3 00:22 编辑

一楼：点评标准
二楼：文章目录
三楼：具体文章点评

一切点评，回归OG:
因此，一楼的内容给OG，

How essays are scored?
Prerequisite: Do not write just to be writing; write to respond to the topic.

写作不仅仅是敲键盘，看着字数统计琢磨还要憋出多少话，谨记，写作时，有着回归题目，自行检查的意识。

Three principles:

Development
Development is the amount and kinds of support (examples, details, reasons) for your ideas that you present in your essay.
Uses a lot of words but fails to develop any real ideas;

发展任何论点，都回归内心的想要表达的观点。你的观点是什么，就应该选择什么样的写作纹路。

Organization
Be aware that just using transition words such as first or second does not guarantee that your essay is organized. The points you make must all relate to the topic of the essay and to the main idea you are presenting in response.

组织任何文章，都认真理理你的论据与论点如何搭配。不是用形式上的first, second, third...就可以说明逻辑清晰，框架清楚。

Language

不多说。只一句，输出大于输入，不，应该是，输出大大地大于输入。

多说一句，这里的点评，虽是针对某位版友的文章，不妨仔细看看，借他山之石，臻攻玉之境。

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SYNCIA
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沙发

发表于 2013-1-26 21:14:31 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 SYNCIA 于 2013-2-3 00:24 编辑

沙发，留作点评目录。

1. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Two persons cannot be friends if one is richer than the other. 3楼

2. Some people believe that people should follow their ambitious dreams and goals even they are not realistic, others believe that people should focus on achieving realistic goals . 15楼

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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SYNCIA
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板凳

发表于 2013-1-26 21:14:32 |只看该作者

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Two persons cannot be friends if one is richer than the other.

Recently, a controversial issue that has given rise to much debate is whether rich people could be friends with poor people. Now it seems that the rich always buy the luxury, go to the grand leisure places and have a high level life which give people an illusion that they cannot communicate with the poor, so won’t have friendship. Yet from my angle, I cling to an unshakable belief that there is true friendship between the rich and the poor.

First and foremost, the true friendship has nothing to do with wealth. Friendship derive from the appreciation, understanding and support between the two people. Generally, individuals who have the same hobby, same goal or same value will establish the friendship. They enjoy the hobby, pursue their goal and achieve their dream together. Gradually and eventually, the friendship between them is deeper and deeper. When they confront puzzles, they talk to each other; when they had to make decisions, they ask the other’s opinions; when they have achievements, they share the happiness with their friends. And all above are have little relation with money. I can think of no better illustration than the example of my best friend Chen Xinyao and me. I am a student from rural, and my parents are all famers. My friend Chen growing up in a wealth family, her parents are all merchants. However, we all love learning English, so we learn English together and practice oral English daily. So we become friends. And she always gives me little gifts, helps me to some housework. We cherish each other very much.

Also, every one has their own career and different development. If the one of the two friends has succeeded in career, he\she will become wealth. But the friendship between the two people won’t change. A case in point is that my mother and her friend are classmate in high school. After graduated, my mother went home did farm works, but her friend become a university student. Now her friend is a CFO in a multinational corporation. But during the decade, they always contact with each other, sometime they went to their high school together and they all feel happy. So I insist that the true friendship won’t be changed by money.
Granted, I concede that the rich may have a totally different life with the poor. But the friendship focuses more on spiritual than on the money. As long as two people appreciate each other, the gigantic wealth gap would not work.

Having considered all the arguments above, I reinforce my stand point that the rich can make friends with the poor. The true friendship has nothing to do with wealth.

版主点评:
1.Stand point:
回答了题目的问题：
Yet from my angle, I cling to an unshakable belief that there is true friendship between the rich and the poor.
无论贫富，两人只要有共同兴趣、目标、或者价值观，就可以建立一段友谊。

2. Organization
总论点：穷人和富人之间存在真正的友谊。
分论点一：无论贫富，两人只要有共同兴趣、目标、或者价值观，就可以建立一段友谊。
分论点二：每个人有各自的事业和不同的发展。
让步段：承认贫富世界的生活不同。

点评：作者的分论点一是很好的，说明友谊的基础是“志同”。但是分论点二的问题很明显，没有阐明分论点二和总论点的直接关系。

建议：分论点二可以化作让步段的一个部分：即使经济差异可能是两个人的生活各有不同，但是这种不同不是鸿沟，而是互补。双方都可以了解到更多不同的文化和生活风格等等。

3. Development:
--分论点一观点发展较好：用了排比句，以及一个具体例子。
--分论点二观点发展不充分：所举的例子说服力不够。因为作者在举例时，只是说了我的妈妈和她的同学即使在后来的发展中各不相同，但是仍然是很好的朋友。并没有说为什么。
-- 让步段发展薄弱。建议和分论点二合并。

建议：作者可以这样充实分论点二：例如，虽然妈妈是务农，而她的朋友在公司里工作，生活方式有很大变化，但是两个人总是能在不同的领域找到同样的兴趣。务农的妈妈可以从朋友那了解多变的市场需求，而她的朋友，也可以从妈妈那获得大量的农村生产信息。这样，就能很好的发展论点，把例子具体化。希望能抛砖引玉。

4. Language
句子连接问题：两个独立的句子不能用逗号连接，要么用句号，要么用连词，否则会造成run-on sentence.

The的用法：特指冠词，慎用。一般来说，在前文没有涉及过某一般名词时。都用一般冠词 a.

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月明日暗
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地板

发表于 2013-1-26 21:46:56 |只看该作者

哎我要是晚几天考就好了。斑竹点评是我梦寐以求的~哈哈。

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SYNCIA
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5楼

发表于 2013-1-26 21:50:27 |只看该作者

月明日暗发表于 2013-1-26 21:46
哎我要是晚几天考就好了。斑竹点评是我梦寐以求的~哈哈。

现在也可以各种讨论呀！！

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6楼

发表于 2013-1-26 22:03:10 |只看该作者

SYNCIA 发表于 2013-1-26 21:50
现在也可以各种讨论呀！！

最近要填一些学校 ..哈哈。不过也会经常来看的~~

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sodapeng
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7楼

发表于 2013-1-27 00:00:52 |只看该作者

辛苦辛苦。。来晚了赞赞赞！！！

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8楼

发表于 2013-1-27 00:33:44 |只看该作者

好形式，好内容。好好学习，天天进步一点点。

多谢版主们的努力和支持！！

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SYNCIA
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9楼

发表于 2013-1-27 14:14:10 |只看该作者

sodapeng 发表于 2013-1-27 00:00
辛苦辛苦。。来晚了赞赞赞！！！

谢谢啦~~

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SYNCIA
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10楼

发表于 2013-1-27 14:14:32 |只看该作者

kantong 发表于 2013-1-27 00:33
好形式，好内容。好好学习，天天进步一点点。

多谢版主们的努力和支持！！

感谢，感恩！

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11楼

发表于 2013-1-27 14:35:38 |只看该作者

( ⊙o⊙ )，新活动啊！！！UP！！

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12楼

发表于 2013-1-27 14:41:56 |只看该作者

谢谢版主点评！！！！我会再接再厉！！！！

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13楼

发表于 2013-1-28 03:04:35 |只看该作者

SYNCIA 发表于 2013-1-26 05:14
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Two persons cannot be friends if one is riche ...

我也看了同一篇。你还真是负责。改那么细致。呵呵。

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14楼

发表于 2013-1-28 03:05:01 |只看该作者

SYNCIA 发表于 2013-1-26 05:14
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Two persons cannot be friends if one is riche ...

我也看了同一篇。你还真是负责。改那么细致。呵呵。

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秋雨荆州
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15楼

发表于 2013-2-2 20:59:49 |只看该作者

本帖最后由秋雨荆州于 2013-2-2 21:03 编辑

0201 Some people believe that people should follow their ambitious dreams and goals even they are not realistic, others believe that people should focus on achieving realistic goals.

作者：芥菜粽

Pursuing dreams and goals, the best reason that human beings live in the planet for, is supported by many people. However, should people follow ambitious dreams and goals even they are not realistic or to focus on achieving the realistic? It is a question. For me, I regard the two choices as an integrated one. That is, people can focus on both unrealistic and realistic ones.

Obviously, realistic goals are important. Most of the short-term aims are realistic and many can be achieved easily by working hard. Besides, people will not become too much disappointing about the outcomes that are not as good as they expected before. For example, students who want to set up new studying goals and plans will base their schemes on the former performance they did. It is similar for a company to formulate their working strategies according to what they have done before. Reasonable goals can stimulate people to struggle for them[Provide a clear picture for people to chase] and get progress during the process of pursuing.

Nevertheless, unrealistic goals such as extremely ambitious ones should also be encouraged under the premise of not desiring to achieve them quickly. What’s the criterion of those goals regarded as unrealistic? Ancient people never thought of overlooking the ground from an incredible height above which is ordinary now for those who travel from place to place by air. Daily lives today are all unrealistic for people who lived thousands of years ago. In this way, there is never an absolute criterion to distinguish realism and unrealism. What makes those unrealistic goals crucial is that they are often the sum of many realistic goals. These unreal ones can be achieved by generations, or by person who spend long time for it. They are usually the motivations that make us to promote ourselves and aim at doing better in the future. As we can see, the airplane is not the gain of only several years’ work and one scientific field. Small steps make big one. And the dream of achieving unrealistic goals makes the human society to step forward.

In conclusion, goals which seem unreal maybe not unreal, and those feature for realistic are still deserving our pursuit. The essential point is that one should have his dream which can be either unreal for the present or real, working hard for it, making advancements step by step. Life is not about the result. It is to enjoy the journey you have.

和ideal的习作一样，观点都很独特新颖。第二个论点说的挺好，如果能够编排的更加流畅更简洁一点就更好了~
也可以这么做，一分为二，第二个论点说unrealistic ones 事实上是由很多realistic ones构成的。比如什么，比如什么，比如什么。再开一个论点接着这段说一下unrealistic dreams是可以通过一代一代人的努力慢慢完成的，适合长期奋斗，并且有着推动人类进步的重大意义。最后总结可以说一下这两类的短期和长期效应，都是值得我们去追寻的。仅供参考

其中第二段有几个地方可以稍微推敲推敲，提一下我的意见~

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