[i习作temp] Issue51 [复制链接]

bananatree
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2005-7-29 17:30:07 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Issue51: 449 words 45 minutes
Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student.

正文;
When talking about education, we often care for that how to make it more effective. The arguer claims one way which seems to be a way out, but some other factors he or she should also take into account.

Admittedly, interest is the best teacher. Where the students have interest is where they most want to learn. Education should make full use of this point. Every child has each advantage and interest. If we ignore this, giving different student the same education, many talents of the students will fade and the education can not achieve its goal either. Suppose, for example, that Mozart's father did not cultivate him the love of music but ordered him to study as other school-children, we might have one more learned scholar, but we do lost a talent musician!
So narrowly speaking, education should meet the interest of individuals and the need of them. This might benefit not only the individuals but also the whole society, because everyone can exert his or her advantage and our society will operate in a best use of human resource. However, it is not the whole meanings of education. The goal of the education is not for individuals' achievement but the development of the whole society.

To that extend, education should pay some attention to the needs of the society. And sometimes people will find it is hard to know what he or she is really interested in. Like Faust in the novel, trying every thing that seemed attracting in the world, he finally found what he was really interested in, that is, work for the whole society. Our education should cultivate the students realize their duties to study for the society's need, because every student will finally go into the society after they leave schools. If they find what they learned at schools can be used to make contributions to the society, they will feel the value of themselves.

Furthermore, education for the needs of society can arouse the willing to study of the students, so it will be also very effective. Also the continue study after class might be done by students to find out the answer to these problems. Suppose that a teacher in the class talk to his or her students about the difficult problem in the development of the industry, such as the efficiency of power machine is not strong enough to fit the needs of the industry, students in the class might want to find a way to solve the problem as Watt invented his new vapor machine. To be a person who can make contributions to the society is the important goal of education, and the effect of the education is also represented by the contributions its students can make to the society.

To sum up, education should not only for the development of the individuals but for the society. Making students know the needs of the society will also an effective way to education.

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-7-29 at 23:57 ]

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azlea
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沙发

发表于 2005-7-29 22:23:33 |只看该作者

When talking about education, we often care for that多余 how to make it more effective. The arguer claims 这个词合适么? one way which seems to be a way out, but some other factors he or she should also take into account 好像有语法错误.

Admittedly, interest is the best teacher. Where the students have interest is where they most want to learn. Education should make full use of this point. Every child has each advantage and interest. If we ignore this, giving different student the same education, many talents of the students will fade and the education can not achieve its goal either. Suppose, for example, that Mozart's father did not cultivate him the love of music but ordered him to study as other school-children, we might have one more learned scholar, but we do lost a talent musician! 这一段说兴趣对于教育的重要性
So narrowly speaking, education should meet the interest of individuals and the need 上文没有提到和need相关的东西，似乎有些唐突 of them. This might benefit not only the individuals but also the whole society, because everyone can exert his or her advantage and our society will operate in a best use of human resource. 到这里为止还时说教育应该meet the interest an need似乎和上一段有些重复，这两段的关系还应该整理一下。如果是上一段说对个人有好处，而这一段说对社会也有好处的话，应该是递进关系吧，那样就整理得更清楚一点好。However, it is not the whole meanings of education. The goal of the education is not for individuals' achievement but the development of the whole society.上面还说可以benefit the whole society呢，那么这里转折说不能考虑个人，还要考虑the development of society是不是有一点矛盾呢？

To that extend extent, education should pay some attention to the needs of the society. And sometimes people will find it is hard to know what he or she is really interested in.这句话似乎和本段的主要思想没什么关系，可以单列一段来展开 Like Faust in the novel, trying every thing that seemed attracting in the world, he finally found what he was really interested in, that is, work for the whole society. Our education should cultivate the students realize their duties to study for the society's need, because every student will finally go into the society after they leave schools. If they find what they learned at schools can be used to make contributions to the society, they will feel the value of themselves.我觉得这段写得好像有点偏离TS，写了关于学生实现自己价值的问题，这和社会的needs有什么关系似乎应该说明

Furthermore, education for the needs of society can arouse the willingness to study of the students, so it will be also very effective. Also the continued study after class might be done by students to find out the answer to these problems.没看懂这句话想说什么 Suppose that a teacher in the class talk to his or her students about the difficult problem in the development of the industry, such as the efficiency of power machine is not strong enough to fit the needs of the industry, students in the class might want to find a way to solve the problem as Watt invented his new vapor machine. To be a person who can make contributions to the society is the important goal of education只看主干，就成了to be a person is the goal of education, and the effect of the education is also represented by the contributions its students can make to the society.看到后来又说到了学生实现价值的问题，感觉似乎有点乱

To sum up, education should not only for the development of the individuals but for the society没有谓语动词. Making students know the needs of the society will also an effective way to education也没有谓语.

挑了很多错误,别打我啊。不过我也挑得很仔细啦,比改我自己的作文仔细多了。
表扬的话我就省略了,总体而言还是需要努力(不过比我这样还没怎么写的人好多了:))。
语言上我就改了一些比较明显的小错误，主要也是应为我自己这方面不强，就不瞎卖弄了。你最好找个高手帮你改改看。
整体结构上觉得有点乱，正文的第一第二段似乎可以合并，第三第四段的关系和论证都有些乱。还需要整理和加强。不过这也就是我自己的感觉，没怎么写过就在这里站着说话不腰疼啦:)
嗬嗬，加油加油哦！共勉！

此去经年，应是良辰好景虚设。便纵有千种风情，更与何人说？

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阿择菜
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板凳

发表于 2005-7-29 23:48:51 |只看该作者

Issue51: 449 words 45 minutes
Education will be truly effective only when it is specifically designed to meet the individual needs and interests of each student.

正文;
When talking about education, we often care for that how to make it more effective. The arguer claims one way which seems to be a way out, but some other factors he or she should also take into account.这句话有毛病

Admittedly, interest is the best teacher. Where the students have interest is where they most want to learn. Education should make full use of this point. Every child has each advantage and interest. If we ignore this, giving different student the same education, many talents of the students will fade and the education can not achieve its goal either. Suppose, for example, that Mozart's father did not cultivate him the love of music but ordered him to study as other school-children, we might have one more learned scholar, but we do lost a talent musician! 这样比较不好，学者和音乐家都对社会有用的，这样比较我觉得有点偏激，况且这个例子不能很好的证明你的TS，你举的例子和INTERESTYOU 有什么联系呢？
So narrowly speaking, education should meet the interest of individuals and the need of them. This might benefit not only the individuals but also the whole society, because everyone can exert his or her advantage and our society will operate in a best use of human resource. However,强转折可是表示否定前边的，强调后边的，这样使你的逻辑很混乱的，其实你不是表达这个意思的，你是想要表达两个方面都重要的，是吧 it is not the whole meanings of education. The goal of the education is not for individuals' achievement but the development of the whole society.

To that extendextent, education should pay some attention to the needs of the society. And sometimes people will find it is hard to know what he or she is really interested in. Like Faust in the novel, tryingtry 不能这样用吧 every thing that seemed attracting in the world, he finally found what he was really interested in, that is, work for the whole society.这个例子我又是很迷茫，不知道你想论证什么观点 Our education should cultivate the students realize their duties to study for the society's need, because every student will finally go into the society after they leave schools. If they find what they learned at schools can be used to make contributions to the society, they will feel the value of themselves.

Furthermore, education for the needs of society can arouse the willing to study of the students, so it will be also very effective. Also the continue consistent study after class might be done by students to find out the answer to these problems. Suppose that a teacher in the class talk to his or her students about the difficult problem in the development of the industry, such as the efficiency of power machine is not strong enough to fit the needs of the industry, students in the class might want to find a way to solve the problem as Watt invented his new vapor machine. To be a person who can make contributions to the society is thean important goal of education, and the effect of the education is also represented by the contributions its 语法有问题的 students can make to the society.我还是觉得例子不是很有说服力的

To sum up, education should not only for the development of the individuals but for the society. Making students know the needs of the society will also an effective way to education.
整个文章逻辑上不是很严密，论证的例子不具有说服力，这是恐怖的，好象给人词不达意的感觉，而且前后转折过渡太大，给人急刹车的感觉，很陡的感觉，不流畅是最大的问题，再改改吧

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