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yuchen
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电梯直达

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发表于 2006-2-4 17:37:17 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Argument147
------题目------
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
'Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.'
-----提纲-------
1．调查是否合理，调查的对象是否是W公司新游戏的目标人群。
2．即时调查代表目标人群的意见，但10－25岁的玩家是否会买W公司出产的新游戏
3．就算以上假设均成立，W公司的游戏销量会在几个月内有显著上升。
------正文------
In this argument, the arguer claims that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To substantiate the conclusion, the arguer points out evidence based on a recent survey that video-game players prefer the games with lifelike graphics which Whirlwind has just introduced. At first glance, the argument seems logical. However, it suffers from several flaws.

The first problem with the argument involves the statistical reliability of the survey. The arguer provides no evidence that the number of the respondents is statistically significant. Perhaps people aged 10 to 25 whom the extensive advertising campaign directed at are not a significant percentage of the survey respondents. Thus it is problematic to think that these 10 to 25 years old young people will also like the games with lifelike graphics. Furthermore, even if the survey was reliable, it is unreasonable to conclude that if these young game players like the kind of games which can provide lifelike graphics, they will definitely buy them. Since these games need the most up-to-date computers, most young people could not possibly afford them. Therefore, without ruling out these possible scenarios, the arguer cannot rely on this survey to support the claim that people will eagerly buy these games.

In addition, the author's conclusions depend on the assumption that if video-game players care about the lifelike graphics, they will buy the games produced by Whirlwind. Yet the arguer offers no evidence to substantiate this assumption. People may consider many aspects of a game such as storyline, character design, music and sound effect before deciding to buy it. It is entirely possible that the games introduced by Whirlwind are not good at these facets. Furthermore, the author doesn't provide us the reason why the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years. Perhaps the qualities of Whirlwind games are poor and have a bad reputation which is easy to lose but hard to regain. Therefore video-game players may prefer the games produced by other companies to the Whirlwind games.

Finally, even if many young video-game enthusiasts will be attracted to buy these new games produced by Whirlwind, it is still unfair to conclude that the sales of Whirlwind video games are going to increase dramatically in the next few months. Perhaps the sales of traditional video-games which weigh more in Whirlwind decline dramatically. This trend strongly affecting the overall game sales cannot be changed by some new games in a few months. Or perhaps the economic condition of the whole country is not good recently, thus most parents cannot buy these expensive new products for their children who are the main customers of Whirlwind. Without considering these possibilities, the author’s conclusion is still unwarranted.

To sum up, the argument is neither well reasoned nor persuasive. To make the argument more forceful, the arguer must provide more convincing information about the economic condition, strong competitors and whether young people aged 10 to 25 want to buy the Whirlwind games largely.

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

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freyjra
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沙发

发表于 2006-2-4 17:51:11 |只看该作者

In this argument, the arguer claims that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To substantiate the conclusion, the arguer points out evidence based on a recent survey that video-game players prefer the games with lifelike graphics which Whirlwind has just introduced. At first glance, the argument seems logical. However, it suffers from several flaws.[这个模版比较常见建议更改部分句型]

The first problem with the argument involves the statistical reliability of the survey. The arguer provides no evidence that the number of the respondents is statistically significant. Perhaps people aged 10 to 25 whom the extensive advertising campaign directed at are not a significant percentage of the survey respondents. Thus it is problematic to think that these 10 to 25 years old young people will also like the games with lifelike graphics. Furthermore, even if the survey was reliable, it is unreasonable to conclude that if these young game players like the kind of games which can provide lifelike graphics, they will definitely buy them. Since these games need the most up-to-date computers, most young people could not possibly afford them. Therefore, without ruling out these possible scenarios, the arguer cannot rely on this survey to support the claim that people will eagerly buy these games.[我认为如果谈survey就只谈survey的问题你的段首句只谈到了the number of the respondents 的问题，我觉得更大的问题是这个survey 没有强调被调查者是他们后面所讲到的10-25岁的人群，句型很好，没有建议]

In addition, the author's conclusions depend on the assumption that if video-game players care about the lifelike graphics, they will buy the games produced by Whirlwind. Yet the arguer offers no evidence to substantiate this assumption. People may consider many aspects of a game such as storyline, character design, music and sound effect before deciding to buy it. It is entirely possible that the games introduced by Whirlwind are not good at these facets. Furthermore, the author doesn't provide us the reason why the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years. Perhaps the qualities of Whirlwind games are poor and have a bad reputation which is easy to lose but hard to regain. Therefore video-game players may prefer the games produced by other companies to the Whirlwind games.

Finally, even if many young video-game enthusiasts will be attracted to buy these new games produced by Whirlwind, it is still unfair to conclude that the sales of Whirlwind video games are going to increase dramatically in the next few months. Perhaps the sales of traditional video-games which weigh more in Whirlwind decline dramatically. This trend strongly affecting the overall game sales cannot be changed by some new games in a few months. Or perhaps the economic condition of the whole country is not good recently, thus most parents cannot buy these expensive new products for their children who are the main customers of Whirlwind. Without considering these possibilities, the author’s conclusion is still unwarranted.[我的点是竞争和供求关系的问题，认为前面已经写过购买能力的问题了，后面换一换比较好吧。]

To sum up, the argument is neither well reasoned nor persuasive. To make the argument more forceful, the arguer must provide more convincing information about the economic condition, strong competitors and whether young people aged 10 to 25 want to buy the Whirlwind games largely. [段首句我的和你的一模一样，决定换了]

我觉得你的argument没太大问题熟悉题库一直写就行了你可以把主要时间放在issue

[ 本帖最后由 freyjra 于 2006-2-4 18:34 编辑 ]

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haohaizi03
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板凳

发表于 2006-2-4 18:25:32 |只看该作者

谢谢你的知道我想问一下你在QQ群里的名字叫什么

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haohaizi03
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地板

发表于 2006-2-4 18:30:11 |只看该作者

修改

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haohaizi03
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5楼

发表于 2006-2-4 18:37:57 |只看该作者

修改

总体看来，我感觉你的这篇文章非常好从结构上来看非常清晰按照我现在的水平实在是挑不出来毛病你刚才评论我的作文时说我抨击的地方太多了以后是不是要注意找出最大的错误没有必要把所有找出的错误都写上啊
我还有个问题想向你请教，每一段你都可以写好多，可是我分析问题时写两句话就没写的了这该怎么办啊

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yuchen
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6楼

发表于 2006-2-4 18:40:16 |只看该作者

xyc

原帖由 haohaizi03 于 2006-2-4 18:25 发表
谢谢你的知道我想问一下你在QQ群里的名字叫什么

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

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yuchen
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7楼

发表于 2006-2-4 18:44:38 |只看该作者

hehe 我也就是把几条整合到一条了。其实这样很不好。
要写多好像就是一段里多有几个perhaps就好吧。看看北美范文

原帖由 haohaizi03 于 2006-2-4 18:37 发表
总体看来，我感觉你的这篇文章非常好从结构上来看非常清晰按照我现在的水平实在是挑不出来毛病你刚才评论我的作文时说我抨击的地方太多了以后是不是要注意找出最大的错误没有必要把所有找出的错误都写上啊 ...

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

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xiaoguangli
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8楼

发表于 2006-2-4 20:48:22 |只看该作者

In this argument, the arguer claims that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. To substantiate the conclusion, the arguer points out evidence based on a recent survey that video-game players prefer the games with lifelike graphics which Whirlwind has just introduced. At first glance, the argument seems logical. However, it suffers from several flaws. 开头还可以，就是最后一句略显罗索老套，应该要么简洁，要么详细一点

The first problem with the argument involves the statistical reliability of the survey. The arguer provides no evidence that the number of the respondents is statistically significant. Perhaps people aged 10 to 25 whom the extensive advertising campaign directed at are not a significant percentage of the survey respondents. Thus it is problematic to think that these 10 to 25 years old young people will also like the games with lifelike graphics.此处应分段了吧？ Furthermore, even if the survey was reliable, it is unreasonable to conclude that if these young game players like the kind of games which can provide lifelike graphics, they will definitely buy them. Since these games need the most up-to-date computers, most young people could not possibly afford themthem意思不明，可以改为expensive hardware. Therefore, without ruling out these possible scenarios, the arguer cannot rely on this survey to support the claim that people will eagerly buy these games.逻辑和论据都还不错，但是语言显得有些罗嗦，一个意思重复许多遍，完全可以放在一句话中

In addition, the author's conclusions depend on the assumption that if video-game players care about the lifelike graphics, they will buy the games produced by Whirlwind. Yet the arguer offers no evidence to substantiate this assumption. People may consider many aspects of a game such as storyline, character design, music and sound effect before deciding to buy it. It is entirely possible that the games introduced by Whirlwind are not good at these facets. Furthermore, the author doesn't应用does not provide us the reason why the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years. Perhaps the qualities of Whirlwind games are poor and have a bad reputation which is easy to lose but hard to regain此句表意不清，应为lose a good reputation. Therefore video-game players may prefer the games produced by other companies to the Whirlwind games.

Finally, even if many young video-game enthusiasts will be attracted to buy these new games produced by Whirlwind, it is still unfair to conclude that the sales of Whirlwind video games are going to increase dramatically in the next few months. Perhaps the sales of traditional video-games which weigh more in Whirlwind decline dramatically. This trend strongly affecting the overall game sales cannot be changed by some new games in a few months. Or perhaps the economic condition of the whole country is not good recently, thus most parents cannot buy these expensive new products for their children who are the main customers of Whirlwind. Without considering these possibilities, the author’s conclusion is still unwarranted.

To sum up, the argument is neither well reasoned nor persuasive. To make the argument more forceful, the arguer must provide more convincing information about the economic condition, strong competitors and whether young people aged 10 to 25 want to buy the Whirlwind games largely.纵观全文，逻辑清晰，思路明确，但是在语言表达上不够准确、简洁、生动，建议多读范文，举例时可以范围宽一些灵活一些，不必翻来覆去重复一件事情。
ps:现在我的水平与你类似，许多地方的表达我也拿不准，看来在表达上需要多下功夫，一起努力吧！

I think therefore I live.

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