[a习作temp] argument1第一篇求拍，请多指教,欢迎互拍 [复制链接]

forget56
UID: 2137078

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 184
注册时间: 2005-9-10
精华: 0
帖子: 0

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2006-2-21 15:07:29 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

1.The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.
"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."

Syllabus:
1.以前的经验无法做出准确地判断，对Plainsville人民的健康观念缺乏调查
2.Plainsville商人的报告无法得到new store 会在那里盈利的结论
3.club和health class爆满可能另有原因，而非健身的人过多
4.新生代客户计划可能已经被其他人承包了，已经捞不到好处了

This argument is not cogent as the experience that our stores are most profitable in other areas where residents are highly cocerned with leading healthy lives does not necessarily means the same case in Plainsville, because it is just due to previous experience gotten from other areas without a further investigation to require some particular data such as the essential ability of the market and the comparation between the cases in Plainsville and other places.
First,the preconditions list in the argument are not credible. there is no evidence such as the official provement or the statistical data which is powerful enough to show us about the veracity of the previous experience. The same is true of the residents mentioned just after that, the speaker cannot convince us that the residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives.
Second, the report of Plainsville cannot preclude we will benefit after our new store have been built in Plainsville. On one hand, they just mean the sales are much better than before, without any transvers comparision with the sales outside Plainsvill. For example, maybe the selling pinnacle is just seasonal phenomenon that we will miss after a long term of preparition of the new store there, or the consumptive level is still lower than the outside even if it is at the all-time highs.
Finally, the cite of local health club can only serve the contention that the number of people concerning with healthy lives, and the establishment cannot match this change. However, there can list several reason to access this situation. For example, maybe just because the number and the scale of health club
and the classes accompanied have not reacted to this change in time though the health-concerning people are still fewer than the other places.
In addition, the program still cannot show our advantages in the market of Plainsville, for other merchants there have contracted with the conducter of the program on the clothing and the apparatus needed with nothing left for us.
In sum, the decision of building a new store in Plainsville without an all-sided consideration is just curtless.

[ 本帖最后由 forget56 于 2006-2-21 16:41 编辑 ]

回应
0

使用道具举报

cavana
UID: 2178782

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 0
寄托币: 482
注册时间: 2006-1-22
精华: 0
帖子: 2

沙发

发表于 2006-2-22 19:23:53 |只看该作者

占座

使用道具举报

cavana
UID: 2178782

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 0
寄托币: 482
注册时间: 2006-1-22
精华: 0
帖子: 2

板凳

发表于 2006-2-22 20:07:55 |只看该作者

This argument is not cogent as the experience that our stores are most profitable in other areas where residents are highly cocerned with leading healthy lives does not necessarily means the same case in Plainsville, because it is just due to previous experience gotten from other areas without a further investigation to require some particular data such as the essential ability of the market and the comparation[comparison] between the cases in Plainsville and other places.[其实这一点可以放在单独的一段来写，第一段一般来说重复一遍他的结论说这个结论不合理就好了，为什么不合理在下文写]
First,the preconditions list in the argument are not credible. there is no evidence such as the official provement[proof？] or the statistical data which is powerful [convincing]enough to show us about the veracity of the previous experience. The same is true of the residents mentioned just after that, the speaker cannot convince us that the residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives.[这段写的很含糊阿，如果要写无法确定会盈利，最好放在最后来写，如果要写没有可信的报告让人相信的话，最好写在第一个论点里，建议好好改改，不然直接把这个论点去掉也可以]
Second, the report of Plainsville cannot preclude we will benefit after our new store have been built in Plainsville. On one hand, they just mean the sales are much better than before, without any transvers comparision with the sales outside Plainsvill. For example, maybe the selling pinnacle is just seasonal phenomenon that we will miss after a long term of preparition of the new store there, or the consumptive level is still lower than the outside even if it is at the all-time highs.

Finally, the cite of local health club can only serve the contention that the number of people concerning with healthy lives, and the establishment cannot match this change. However, there can list several reason to access this situation. For example, maybe just because the number and the scale of health club
and the classes accompanied have not reacted to this change in time though the health-concerning people are still fewer than the other places.[其实这两段你可以这样来写，人们乐于买运动鞋和运动衣服，不代表他们真的对健身有兴趣，也许只是因为喜欢这些衣服和鞋的样子和舒适，club里有更多的会员，只是和它们过去几乎没有人的情况相对来说人多了，不一定真的人多，同样weight training and aerobics classes are always ful也许只是因为这些 classes本来就不多]
In addition, the program still cannot show our advantages in the market of Plainsville, for other merchants there have contracted with the conducter of the program on the clothing and the apparatus needed with nothing left for us.[这个论点你找得不错，可是语言上感觉还是不很到位，直接在文章中指出他最后一个论据有问题，然后再开始反驳]
In sum, the decision of building a new store in Plainsville without an all-sided consideration is just curtless.[结尾还是不要这样写的好，建议多看看范文中的结尾]

[总的说来，能感觉到你发现了很多的问题，整个文章也是说了很多东西，但感觉上都不是很到位，所以显得没有力度，建议写之前好好想想怎么说才最能攻击薄弱的地方。加油，你可以做得很好的！]

使用道具举报