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[经典批改讨论] ISSUE88 DADA‘ PLAYING WITH THOSE BOWS AND ARROWS [复制链接]

DIDOROSE
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2007-1-23 17:46:47 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."

1.让步，承认其影响力
改变人的日常生活上起居住行
社会层面
2.并不是决定因素，并会受到后者的束缚
"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."
From Industry Revolution to Digital Era, the social pattern of human beings has undergone radical changes in customs and ethics. The impact of technology is obviously a significant force in this process and it will still play a vital part in shaping our daily lives. However, it hardly determines our societal basis.

Admittedly, technology broadly changes the way we traveling, communicating, entertainment and learning. Thus inevitably influence social customs. Industry Revolution brought women to the frontier of work and competes with men. After century’s development, double-income family finally became one of the most notable characteristic of modern society. Moreover, the fierce competition in the work field and the ideology of freedom serves as a catalyst for new forms of family like DINC. Another apt example is the way we communicate with others change drastically according to each technological breakthroughs. Instead of writing letters and sending telegraph, modern human exchange short message by cell phone and write e-mail on computer to keep in touch with friends, family and colleagues. As for the transportation, not only the speed of the vehicle is faster than ever, but also the means of commute are various now. Thanks to cars, people no longer cluster in the center of city but move to suburb areas which are more quite and cheap.

Except influence the society on individual level, technology also exerts profound effect on the society as a whole. For instance, the advance in medical care decrease the morality of many countries in the world, whereas the aging population emerging as a big problem of the society. The ever-increasing groups of old-age pensioners compel the government to increase taxes and postpone retire age to relieve the burden of expense. What’s more, the mass media and internet spread out designed costumes through out the country. Beauties and cowboys with cigarettes make some audience believe that smoking is somehow a cool, even elegant behavior; while women rush to pursuit their career, Martha Stewart persuaded them to appreciate the daily housework. As for the ethic changes, genetic study pointed out the inherent flaw in intermarriage, render the this ancient custom obsolete; we can merely see those primitive rituals such as fete and sacrifice in modern world, because we understand the nature of famine, flood though the study of science; anatomy is no longer a taboo, but a compulsory course in medical schools.

However, the assertion that technology is the determinant of social customs and ethic is no more than an overstatement. Practically, the chief factor of shaping the societal customs and mores is the traditional culture of a country. One need not look further than those extant festivals and rituals. No matter how fast we travel, how instant we communicate, we still eat turkey with our families on Thank Giving days, attend the graduate ceremony of our children, hold wedding in the church, whereas technology finds itself in a dilemma confronting our basic ethic issues. The prohibition of human clone and the debates over euthanasia indicate how social value system responds to challenges from technology.

In sum, the relationship between technology and social customs and ethic is quite intricate. Although we could not deny the former exert enormous influence to our social, we should aware that it serves as a motivation toward change, and for better or worse it is actually restricted by the later.

[ 本帖最后由 DIDOROSE 于 2007-1-24 09:20 编辑 ]

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tianrushui
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沙发

发表于 2007-1-24 21:43:02 |只看该作者

占座，我晚两天改吧，后天考试了......

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expire7
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板凳

发表于 2007-1-29 20:23:07 |只看该作者

seat taken
你的我会看的，请你修改这篇
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-600350-1-1.html

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expire7
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地板

发表于 2007-1-29 22:54:04 |只看该作者

"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."1.让步，承认其影响力改变人的日常生活上起居住行 社会层面2.并不是决定因素，并会受到后者的束缚"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."From Industry Revolution to Digital Era, the social pattern of human beings has undergone radical changes in customs and ethics. The impact of technology is obviously a significant force in this process and it will still play a vital part in shaping our daily lives.（这里的will still用的好） However, it hardly determines our societal basis.
开头开的很好。赞一个。

Admittedly, technology broadly changes the way we traveling, communicating, entertainment and learning（way后面可以省略that这里用从句感觉不容易犯语法错误。感觉这里的方式运用的不好。）. Thus inevitably influence social customs（没主语？）. Industry Revolution brought women to the frontier of work and competes（in competition with如果用动词，前后无连接，不可能是和brought并。词性就不对。如果和后半句，那么没有照应的动词，and何用？） with men. After century’s development, double-income family finally became one of the most notable characteristic of modern society. Moreover, the fierce competition in the work field and the ideology of freedom serves as a catalyst for new forms of family like DINC（DINC我不知道是什么，缩写有时候也要看是不是每个考官一定都知道才能用哈。）. Another apt example is the way we communicate with others change drastically according to each technological breakthroughs（each 后面名词只能单数吧？）. Instead of writing letters and sending telegraph, modern human exchange short message by cell phone and write e-mail on computer to keep in touch with friends, family and colleagues. As for the transportation, not only the speed of the vehicle is faster than ever, but also the means of commute（词性错误） are various now. Thanks to cars, people no longer cluster in the center of city but move to suburb areas which are more quite and cheap.（整个举例的顺序于你的首句顺序不一样。需要注意。）
语法错误比较严重。需注意。

Except influence the society on individual level, technology also exerts profound effect on the society as a whole. For instance, the advance in medical care decrease the morality of many countries in the world, whereas（转折过于突兀，转折后面通常是句子重点。你后半句对应本段TS么？似乎不合理。） the aging population emerging as a big problem of the society. The ever-increasing groups of old-age pensioners compel the government to increase taxes and postpone retire age to relieve the burden of expense. What’s more, the mass media and internet spread out designed costumes through out the country. Beauties and cowboys with cigarettes make some audience believe that smoking is somehow a cool, even elegant behavior; while women rush to pursuit their career, Martha Stewart persuaded them to appreciate the daily housework. As for the ethic changes, genetic study pointed out the inherent flaw in intermarriage, render the this ancient custom obsolete; we can merely see those primitive rituals such as fete and sacrifice in modern world, because we understand the nature of famine, flood though the study of science; anatomy is no longer a taboo, but a compulsory course in medical schools.
本段结构比较乱，没有一个比较清晰的顺序比如说分领域什么的。你有个缺点就是你的TS和每段小结要么缺失要么没有更好的合理的展开。

However, the assertion that technology is the determinant（factor缺个单词） of social customs and ethic is no more than an overstatement. Practically, the chief factor of shaping the societal customs and mores is the traditional culture of a country. One need not look further than those extant festivals and rituals. No matter how fast we travel, how instant we communicate, we still eat turkey with our families on Thank Giving days, attend the graduate ceremony of our children, hold wedding in the church, whereas technology finds itself in a dilemma confronting our basic ethic issues（原因？你之前的举例应该对应的是no matter how。不连贯。）. The prohibition of human clone and the debates over euthanasia indicate how social value system responds to challenges from technology.
你找的观点不错，不过举例太单薄了一点，论述不够深入，多加一两句为好。

In sum, the relationship between technology and social customs and ethic is quite intricate. Although we could not deny the former exert enormous influence to our social, we should aware that it serves as a motivation toward change, and for better or worse it is actually restricted by the later（by what?）.

作文能力不错，但是总体来说还不够。分开看，你的作文写得不错。用词，句子，例子。组合在一起就不好。需要多练习。

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DIDOROSE
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5楼

发表于 2007-1-30 15:12:49 |只看该作者

From Industry Revolution to Digital Era, the social pattern of human beings has undergone radical changes in customs and ethics. The impact of technology is obviously a significant force in this process and it will still play a vital part in shaping our daily lives.However, it hardly determines our societal basis.

Admittedly, technology broadly changes the way we traveling, communicating, entertainment and learning[working, communicating, traveling and entertainment.]（way后面可以省略that这里用从句感觉不容易犯语法错误。感觉这里的方式运用的不好。）[这句我也想改的，但是就是不晓得怎么改,再想想], thus inevitably influence social customs. Industry Revolution brought women to the frontier of work and competes in competition with（如果用动词，前后无连接，不可能是和brought并。词性就不对。如果和后半句，那么没有照应的动词，and何用？）[是个大问题，我经常犯这个错，还不悔改] with men. After century’s development, double-income family finally became one of the most notable characteristic of modern society. Moreover, the fierce competition in the work field and the ideology of freedom serves as a catalyst for new forms of family like DINC[应该还是比较有名的一词吧，丁克家庭]. Another apt example is the way we communicate with others changing drastically according to each technological breakthroughs（each 后面名词只能单数吧？）. Instead of writing letters and sending telegraph, modern human exchange short message by cell phone and write e-mail on computer to keep in touch with friends, family and colleagues. As for the transportation, not only the speed of the vehicle is faster than ever, but also the means of commute(traveling)（词性错误） are various now. Thanks to cars, people no longer cluster in the center of city but move to suburb areas which are more quite and cheap.（整个举例的顺序于你的首句顺序不一样。需要注意。）[恩，修改了一下]
语法错误比较严重。需注意。

Except influence the society on individual level, technology also exerts profound effect on the society as a whole. For instance, the advance in medical care decrease the morality of many countries in the world, whereas（转折过于突兀，转折后面通常是句子重点。你后半句对应本段TS么？似乎不合理。）[写批判的写多了，动不动就觉得不好的方面是重点，谢谢，我要反省下] the aging population emerging as a big problem of the society. The ever-increasing groups of old-age pensioners compel the government to increase taxes and postpone retire age to relieve the burden of expense. What’s more, the mass media and internet spread out designed costumes through out the country. Beauties and cowboys with cigarettes make some audience believe that smoking is somehow a cool, even elegant behavior; while women rush to pursuit their career, Martha Stewart persuaded them to appreciate the daily housework. As for the ethic changes, genetic study pointed out the inherent flaw in intermarriage, render the this ancient custom obsolete; we can merely see those primitive rituals such as fete and sacrifice in modern world, because we understand the nature of famine, flood though the study of science; anatomy is no longer a taboo, but a compulsory course in medical schools.
本段结构比较乱，没有一个比较清晰的顺序比如说分领域什么的。你有个缺点就是你的TS和每段小结要么缺失要么没有更好的合理的展开。[这一段就是我很想改进的地方，我能想到的例子我都列上来，但是缺乏逻辑来组织它们，有没有具体的建议呢？]

However, the assertion that technology is the determinant（factor缺个单词） of social customs and ethic is no more than an overstatement. Practically, the chief factor of shaping the societal customs and mores is the traditional culture of a country. One need not look further than those extant festivals and rituals. No matter how fast we travel, how instant we communicate, we still eat turkey with our families on Thank Giving days, attend the graduate ceremony of our children, hold wedding in the church, whereas technology finds itself in a dilemma confronting our basic ethic issues（原因？你之前的举例应该对应的是no matter how。不连贯。）[但是我觉得把这段放到第2段后面又不太好，怎么办~~]. The prohibition of human clone and the debates over euthanasia indicate how social value system responds to challenges from technology. [放在后面说是否不妥当？]
你找的观点不错，不过举例太单薄了一点，论述不够深入，多加一两句为好。[我也想加啊，但就是不晓得说什么好了]

In sum, the relationship between technology and social customs and ethic is quite intricate. Although we could not deny the former exert enormous influence to our social, we should aware that it serves as a motivation toward change, and for better or worse it is actually restricted by the later social customs and ethics.（by what?）.
[谢谢斑斑！这文章的问题是我虽然觉得自己反对，但是我找不到太多的理论和例子来反对，所以只写了一段来反驳，这样是否不太好？如果找不到太多反对的要不要干脆写成赞同？]

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