[a习作temp] Argument147【07-10G Superstar大帖】7月24日作文 [复制链接]

desirermimi
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发表于 2007-7-24 14:02:54 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 703 TIME:01:30:00 DATE: 2007-7-24 10:15:54

According to the arguer's elicitation, we may find that he/she establishes a causal relationship, which result from a survey, between the lifelike graphics improvement of Whirlwind video games and its increased sales. As it stands, the editorial reported in a business magazine filled with some lethal logic fallacies, which finally weakens the cogency of the whole claims.

First of all, the author fails to provide more specific information to substantiate the conclusion that if providing the lifelike graphics, which were thought most important feature in a video game according to the survey, will increase the Whirlwind sales. There are many other aspects may influence the sales. It may be the case that price of the Whirlwind video games is so expensive that many former customers turn to other companies who can provide the same quality but cheap price. In that case, maybe the Whirlwind was the first company who introduced the latest kind video game in the market two years ago, and its sales was high because of a large number of needs and the lack of competitors. With more and more competitors enters and the technology progresses, Whirlwind video games sales would decrease if the company leader does not take action to improve games quality and price. Besides, other factors such as games scenario, sound effect and so on, which not be referred by the survey also could be important criterion for a popular video game. In the survey, arthor only provided one factor which is the most importantly influence sales, but it maybe the case that customers choose a video game because of not only its lifelike graphic but also its exciting scenario and good sound effect. Accordingly, the author could not convince us that providing lifelike graphics can increase games sales if he does not take other important factors into consideration.

Moreover, even if the argument that lifelike graphic was the only factor which resulted in sales down is true, with the help of advertising campaign, the Whirlwind games sales still may not increase. Firstly, there may be many competitors in the games market, and they also put much money to play strong advertisement which aims at the games customers. In that case, the competitors may bring much earlier, much more extensive, and much longer advertising campaign than Whirlwind. Obviously, if Whirlwind want to introduce the lifelike graphic kind games with the help of extensive advertisement, it may fail to contend for the market advantage. Furthermore, the people whom the advertising campaign aims to may not be the players who were surveyed. In that case, author does not provide any information to prove that the people 10-25 years old whom the advertisement direct to, would like Whirlwind lifelike graphics games. The age-group are most likely to play video games, but they may like other types such as space-like graphics games and so on. In a word, we would doubt the advertisement ability to increase sales if author does not provide for details of competitors and customers interests.

Finally, another problem with the author's recommendation that he/she overlooks the market share of up-to-date computers which are needed in lifelike video games and customer's free time. Even if the customers like the Whirlwind products mostly and the competitors do not have the superior technology which could produce the same kind of games, the sales of Whirlwind may also decrease because the up-to-date computers occupancy. Many people may not own the new kind computers because it may be very expensive, in this instance, people would not buy the lifelike graphic video games since lack of the proper machines. It also maybe the case that the next few months are busy day for most students or young workers who like playing games. They may be too busy in school, company, or other organizations to buy the video games playing freely at home, and they may not buy the games immediately that would have nothing to do with the increasing of Whirlwind sales.

In conclusion, it is clearly that the author's analysis of the relationship between sales and lifelike graphic games advertisement is incomplete. In order to convince us, he/she should provide more information such as the products quality, competitors in market and the customers.

[ 本帖最后由 desirermimi 于 2007-7-24 14:10 编辑 ]

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laura001
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沙发

发表于 2007-7-24 18:13:40 |只看该作者

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 703       TIME:01:30:00       DATE: 2007-7-24 10:15:54

According to the arguer's elicitation, we may find that he/she establishes a causal relationship, which result from a survey, between the lifelike graphics improvement of Whirlwind video games and its increased sales. As it stands, the editorial reported in a business magazine filled with some lethal logic fallacies, which finally weakens the cogency of the whole claims.(开头是很简明)

First of all, the author fails to provide more specific information to substantiate the conclusion that if providing the lifelike graphics, which were thought most important feature in a video game according to the survey, will increase the Whirlwind sales. There are many other aspects may influence the sales. It may be the case that price of the Whirlwind video games is so expensive that many former customers turn to other companies who can provide the same quality but cheap price(price修饰它的好象只有high & low,不说cheap). In that case, maybe the Whirlwind was the first company who(which) introduced the latest kind video game in the market two years ago, and its sales was high because of a large number of needs and the lack of competitors. With more and more competitors enters and the technology progresses, Whirlwind video games sales would decrease if the company leader does not take action to improve games quality and price. Besides, other factors such as games scenario, sound effect and so on, which not be referred by the survey also could be important criterion for a popular video game. In the survey, arthor only provided one factor which is the most importantly influence sales, but it maybe the case that customers choose a video game because of not only its lifelike graphic but also its exciting scenario and good sound effect. Accordingly, the author could not convince us that providing lifelike graphics can increase games sales if he does not take other important factors into consideration.

Moreover, even if the argument that lifelike graphic was the only factor which resulted in sales down is true, with the help of advertising campaign, the Whirlwind games sales still may not increase. Firstly, there may be many competitors in the games market, and they also put much money to play strong advertisement which aims at the games customers. In that case, the competitors may bring much earlier, much more extensive, and much longer advertising campaign than Whirlwind. Obviously, if Whirlwind want to introduce the lifelike graphic kind games with the help of extensive advertisement, it may fail to contend for the market advantage. Furthermore, the people whom the advertising campaign aims to may not be the players who were surveyed. In that case, author does not provide any information to prove that the people 10-25 years old whom the advertisement direct to, would like Whirlwind lifelike graphics games. The age-group are most likely to play video games, but they may like other types such as space-like graphics games and so on. In a word, we would doubt the advertisement ability to increase sales if author does not provide for details of competitors and customers interests.

Finally, another problem with the author's recommendation that he/she overlooks the market share of up-to-date computers which are needed in lifelike video games and customer's free  time.Even if the customers like the Whirlwind products mostly and the competitors do not have the superior technology which could produce the same kind of games, the sales of Whirlwind may also decrease because the up-to-date computers occupancy. Many people may not own the new kind computers because it may be very expensive, in this instance, people would not buy the lifelike graphic video games since lack of the proper machines. It also maybe the case that the next few months are busy day(+S) for most students or young workers who like playing games. They may be too busy in school, company, or other organizations to buy the video games playing freely at home, and they may not buy the games immediately that would have nothing to do with the increasing of Whirlwind sales. 这句和开头关系不大了把,基本还是说销量的问题.可以归到上段.
(觉得这段的开头和后面的衔接不是很密切.后面主要写的还是作者没有证据说销售量会在未来猛增加, 和第上段说的问题有点类似.)

In conclusion, it is clearly that the author's analysis of the relationship between sales and lifelike graphic games advertisement is incomplete. In order to convince us, he/she should provide more information such as the products quality, competitors in market and the customers.

总结:写的不错啊.  优点: 很具体, 主要错误也都找出来了. 开头和结尾也没有用新东方的八股文的方法.
有写我觉得不好的地方,个人意见,仅供参考:  1 我觉得第3BODY开头和后面衔接不是很好.  2,觉得你A的风格和I有点像,一些A所特有的一些表述句式没有怎么看到. 3 你的举例子说明有点冗长,可以精简点. 有时候不用那么详细.

加油加油,争取高分~~ :)

[ 本帖最后由 laura001 于 2007-7-24 19:49 编辑 ]

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