[i习作temp] ISSUE147 求拍～ [复制链接]

mabla
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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-8-9 22:19:56 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

TOPIC: ISSUE147 - "Tradition and modernization are incompatible. One must choose between them."
WORDS: 620       TIME: 01:14:00       DATE: 2007-8-9 21:24:45

P1 反对题目观点，提出生活是两者的结合
P2 分析现代话和传统的概念，指出现代话是渐进的，传统是牢固的，现代化只不过增加新的内容到传统中。
P3 现代化改变我们衣食住行，改变我们与人交往的方式；转折：再次强调：现代话只是一点一点、某方面的改变生活，给传统添砖加瓦
P4精神、价值观层面的传统，很少有改变。
P5总结

With the rapid development of science and technology, the world itself is experiencing dramatic change. We are no longer what we were in the past, as few people strictly follow tradition and everyday we are enjoying the rising of living standard brought by modernization. But people do not have to choose from tradition and modernization since our life is a combination of the two.
   Before we discuss the issue topic, we had better analyze the true meaning of tradition and modernization in depth. Tradition refers to the way of life passed from the older generation and the modernization is the process that we change our way of life. Actually, the word modernization was not introduced until the modern time comes, which is charactered by amazing advancement of science, technology and the unbelieving improvement of productivity. Since then, the humankind was able to change the world and therefore to change our life in a fast pace. In its nature, modernization is a process of evolving, not a revolution that breaks down the old world and build a new.  In fact, the system of human society is so complex that no power of any form is able to create a pure new one, which has nothing in common  with the previous one. Thus, it is obvious that modernization is not replacing tradition but adding new elements into the tradition.
   No doubt, the modernization is changing our life dramatically. KFC and McDonld's we encounter virtually everyday is a rather new invention; the skyscraper and the high speed lift is absolutely not the traditional way man live; The mini skirt can not be called classic at all, and the traveling by air is just unimaginable for our ancestors. As an essential part of life, the tradition of food, living, clothing and traveling can hardly be seen in a modern society. Moreover, modernization even changes the way we interact with each other. Hundreds of years ago, most people lived in small villages and they mainly depended on agriculture. People have close relationship with family members and even neighbors because people only have limited recourses and tools, people need the others' manpower to solve almost every major problem in life: hunting, building house and so forth. On the contrary, in the highly-specialized modern society, as almost all the service could be provided by professional organizations, individuals are less depend on one another and thus the relationship between family member and friends are not as close as it used to be.  However, the modernization only changes the life of human aspect by aspect and little by little.  And once some new elements of life is merged and stable, it is part of a new tradition.
   Through all these years, the basic value systems of mankind, which is the foundation of tradition, seldom changed. Honesty, liberty, human-right have their root in ancient times. We treasure love, care and tolerance, and so did our precursors. And the marriage is a striking example. Despite all modern problems, the basic rules and believes in marriage are much the same through history. Most people tend to seek a single spouse and each spouse need loyalty as the base. The basic pattern of marriage life is unchanged. We have to admit that we are always following the tradition in the sense that the basic value and patterns in our life are stable.
   In sum, the modernization has changed our life significantly but the foundation of life is unchanged, thus the process of modernization is gradually adding new elements into existing tradition. So we do not have to make any choice between modernization and tradition. Rather, we only have to decide our own life style given tradition and the modernization level of our time.

[ 本帖最后由 mabla 于 2007-8-9 22:30 编辑 ]

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SavileRow
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沙发

发表于 2007-8-10 21:21:07 |只看该作者

With the rapid development of science and technology, the world itself is experiencing dramatic change. We are no longer what we were in the past, as few people strictly follow tradition and everyday we are enjoying the rising of living standard brought by modernization. But people do not have to choose from tradition and modernization since our life is a combination of the two.（这句话but后since前的部分与上一句并没有直接的转折关系，如果我写，我就写“but他们不冲突since生活是他们的结合”。再加一句“我们不必在两者间作出选择”）
   Before we discuss the issue topic, we had better analyze the true meaning of tradition and modernization in depth. Tradition refers to the way of life passed from the older generation and the modernization is the process that we change our way of life. Actually, the word modernization was not introduced until the modern time comes, which is charactered(characterized) by amazing advancement of science, technology and the unbelieving(unbelievable?) improvement of productivity. Since then, the humankind was able to change the world and therefore to change our life in a fast pace. In its nature, modernization is a process of evolving, not a revolution that breaks down the old world and build a new.  In fact, the system of human society is so complex that no power of any form is able to create a pure new one, which has nothing in common with the previous one. Thus, it is obvious that modernization is not replacing tradition but adding new elements into the tradition.（现代化定义里的“非替代”是明显了，可是“加入新元素”体现在哪？可能在讲到现代化历史的actually—in a fast pace这部分点出来会比较好。）
这段话写得很出彩，对现代化和传统的重新定义，非常值得学习

   No doubt, the modernization is changing our life dramatically. KFC and McDonld's （这个词拼错了……）we encounter virtually（“事实上”，有其他普通的词感觉好些） everyday is a rather new invention; the skyscraper and the high speed lift is absolutely not the traditional way man（复数？） live; The mini skirt can not be called classic at all, and the traveling by air（这个词组你确认用法吗？） is just unimaginable for our ancestors. As an essential part of life, the tradition of food, living, clothing and traveling can hardly be seen in a modern society.（以上这一部分我觉得写偏了，主要是最后一句话，“传统的什么什么在现代社会已经看不到了”有点暗示“传统被取代”，而实际上你的观点恰好相反） Moreover, modernization even changes the way we interact with each other. Hundreds of years ago, most people lived in small villages and they mainly depended on agriculture. People have close relationship with family members and even neighbors because people only have limited recourses and tools, people need the others' manpower to solve almost every major problem in life: hunting, building house and so forth. On the contrary, in the highly-specialized modern society, as almost all the service could be provided by professional organizations, individuals are（去掉） less depend on one another and thus the relationship between family member and friends are not as close as it used to be.  However, the modernization only changes the life of human aspect by aspect and little by little.  .（however后的部分应该可以进一步发展，怎么逐步改变，最好是把刚举的例子带上，分析例子后很自然就可以得到结论。现在这样写在例子和结论间有些生硬了。)And once some new elements of life is merged and stable, it is part of a new tradition最后一句话，应该是全文的另一个亮点，可以再发展一下。如果可以的话，把however后的两句话独立发展成段也未尝不可。）

把这一段看完之后，我觉得前后两部分没有层次：吃穿住行—交流方式，这两方面是递进关系？从文章本身看，我没有看出来，单纯一个moreover不足以说明

   Through all these years, the basic value systems of mankind, which is the foundation of tradition, seldom changed. Honesty, liberty, human-right have their root in ancient times. We treasure love, care and tolerance, and so did our precursors. And the marriage is a striking example. Despite all modern problems, the basic rules and believes in marriage are much the same through history. Most people tend to seek a single spouse and each spouse need loyalty as the base. The basic pattern of marriage life is unchanged. We have to admit that we are always following the tradition in the sense that the basic value and patterns in our life are stable.
我觉得婚姻的例子不够好，最后再换一个。因为婚姻的形式有很多，有些就不完全符合你所列举的那些特性。
这一段的TS有些弱，最好有一个转折句承接上段：尽管生活方式改变了那么多，但是……

   In sum, the modernization has changed our life significantly but the foundation of life is unchanged, thus the process of modernization is gradually adding new elements into existing tradition（这句和分论点用词一模一样了，最好换一下）. So we do not have to make any choice between modernization and tradition. Rather, we only have to decide our own life style given tradition and the modernization level of our time.
总体来说，我很喜欢这篇文章。
简单明白流畅
观点保险但又有出彩的地方
要是我能写出来就好了
值得改进的地方我都写在文中了

[ 本帖最后由 SavileRow 于 2007-8-10 21:48 编辑 ]

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