[i习作temp] issue36 【Goal to Reach Excellence小组】第12次作业 [复制链接]

Shanbing
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2008-2-13 10:16:57 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

限时写作：

TOPIC: ISSUE36 - "The greatness of individuals can be decided only by those who live after them, not by their contemporaries."
WORDS: 417(433) TIME: 0:38:36 DATE: 2008-2-12

Is the greatness of all individuals decided only by those who live after them, not by their contemporaries? In my point of view, the greatness of individuals is recognized by people at different times from case to case.

Admittedly, there are so many great people who are thought to be great individual by those who live after them. The reason is simple: people may have prejudice to these contemporary great people. Take Johann Bach, German composer and one of the world's greatest musical geniuses, for example, he was almost nothing compared with famous Beethoven and Mozart at his times. On the one hand, he was born in a miserable family so that people may look down upon him due to his background. On the other hand, his work cannot be understandable by the mass public at that time. While the time will tell the truth, the great and good would not die in this world so that people who live after him finally has recognized his musical talent and acknowledged his work. Similarly, the greatest painter Vincent van Gogh was recognized as great individual when he came to the end of his life. His paintings are characterized by thick brush strokes, brilliant collars, and jagged lines, through which Van Gogh expressed his emotional responses to his subjects rather than providing accurate description of them.

However, in some areas, the greatness of individuals is recognized by people immediately. First, their efforts and benefit to the society are obvious and easy to identify. For example, the greatest basketball player Michael Jordan, called the God of basketball, made his name and influence known by the whole world. It is not only because these prominent people face the public almost every night when they play games, but their performance is so excited that almost everybody would be impressed by their great skills on the field. Secondly, some people make great contribution to the society and benefit lots of people. Take Bill Gates for example, everybody uses his products, the Windows Operation system, almost everyday. With the help of media, especially the internet, nowadays the famous people get their name broadcast faster and wider than ever before. No matter what our posterity will say about them in the future, they are already acknowledged by everyone.

In sum, the greatness of individuals is recognized by people at different times from case to case. It is possible that the limits of peoples’ value will stop the pace of recognizing temporarily. However the great and good in this world do not die and the time will give us fair answers finally.

I will when I believe!

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shuwenying
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沙发

发表于 2008-2-14 00:00:49 |只看该作者

来拍！

Is the greatness of all individuals decided only by those who live after them, not by their contemporaries? In my point of view, the greatness of individuals is recognized by people at different times from case to case.

Admittedly, there are so many great people who are thought to be great individual by those who live after them. The reason is simple: people may have prejudice to these contemporary great people.个人觉得这个理由有点牵强，至少需要证明一下为什么后人就没有偏见了 Take Johann Bach, German composer and one of the world's greatest musical geniuses, for example, he was almost nothing compared with famous Beethoven and Mozart at his times. On the one hand, he was born in a miserable family so that people may look down upon him due to his background.个人觉得这个理由也是需要进一步推敲一下，后人就不会因为某人的出身而歧视他们？ On the other hand, his work cannot be understandable by the mass public at that time. While the time will tell the truth, the great and good would not die in this world明白你是想表达抽象的意境，思路很好，但是这个表达方式最好稍微改进。 so that people who live after him finally has在issue中尽量少用完成时态 recognized his musical talent and acknowledged his work. Similarly, the greatest painter Vincent van Gogh was recognized as great individual用“画家”更好 when he came to the end of his life. His paintings are characterized by thick brush strokes, brilliant collars, and jagged lines, through which Van Gogh expressed his emotional responses to his subjects rather than providing accurate description of them.这里描述凡高的绘画特点有点偏离中心了

However, in some areas, the greatness of individuals is recognized by people immediately. First, their efforts and benefit to the society are obvious and easy to identify. For example, the greatest basketball player Michael Jordan, called the God of basketball, made his name and influence known by the whole world. It is not only because these prominent people face the public almost every night when they play games, but their performance is so excited that almost everybody would be impressed by their great skills on the field. Secondly, some people make great contribution to the society and benefit lots of people. Take Bill Gates for example, everybody uses his products, the Windows Operation system, almost everyday. With the help of media, especially the internet, nowadays the famous people get their name broadcast faster and wider than ever before. No matter what our posterity will say about them in the future, they are already acknowledged by everyone. 这段的论证思路清晰且措辞得体^_^

In sum, the greatness of individuals is recognized by people at different times from case to case. It is possible that the limits of peoples’ value will stop the pace of recognizing temporarily.这句有点不顺 However the great and good in this world do not die and the time will give us fair answers finally.
个人觉得第二段值得再推敲一下
1 给出的支持理由有点牵强。2 举例不够简洁，有些语句跟主题联系不紧
只是个人的观点，也有一定局限性的，还请辩证看待。欢迎随时来信交流^_^

Good luck and great success in the coming New Year.

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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shuwenying
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板凳

发表于 2008-2-14 00:26:41 |只看该作者

argument200修改

实在不好意思，你的argument200帖子我实在上不去了，可能是网路问题，试了很久……短消息也发不了，就暂时把改好的argument发在这里，等网络顺畅后我再重发

The author concludes that advertisement for dentists should target the male consumer and emphasize both their anesthetic techniques and their staff's sensitivity. In order to support his argument, the author claims that three times more men than women faint and men are more likely to feel the pain while visiting the dentist. However, this argument is week in the reasoning. 开头简洁而且到位，赞一个

Firstly, the author does not provide details about the survey so that we may question the reliability of the statistics. Perhaps in a short period, the male consumer among those clients would faint more often than women. But in a comparatively long time, the three times is not so accurate any more.明白你的意思，但是没有表达清楚，建议用调查的时间跨度time span这个词来写 Besides this the author fails to give concrete information about how many people were asked in this survey. In short, in order to make this statistics more reasonable, the author cannot overlook the details on the survey.

Secondly, the fact the three times more men than women faint do not mean men are likely to be distressed than women are. On the one hand, perhaps men faint because of their greater fear than women to the dental operation.这个句子有点不顺，去掉than women比较合理 It is because of fear not pain leading to the fainting.这个句子也有问题 On the other hand, women may be more likely to be distressed than men, while they are not so easily to faint due to physical and emotional factors. It is common sense that women could bear more painfulness than men do. In a word, the three times on the fainting cannot prove women feel less pain in the dental work.

Finally, the author's advice that those dentists should pay more attention to male consumers is arguable. Perhaps the author thinks that men patients will be more afraid of visiting dentists than women, or he can guarantee the quantity of the female patients. However, the author fails to provide such evidence to prove that. 这里最好详细讲一下需要什么证据 Furthermore, the author also claims they should emphasize the sensitivity of their staff to nervous or suffering patients besides their anesthetic techniques. In my point of view, I would rather emphasize more on the skills, professional knowledge and experience of their well-trained staff, which is useful to calm down the patients in the operation. 在argument里面最好少用自己的观点, 这是比较重要的原则，好像官方的一些资料上面有强调这一点。具体我记不清在哪里了……

To sum up, the author comes to his conclusion based on a survey, which is not so convinced. In order to support his argument more reasonably, the author should provide more information about the survey and the real cause of fainting for men patients. In order to make this argument better, the advertisement could emphasize more on the skills and experience during the dental work.

楼主的简洁，而且抓住了主要的逻辑错误
某些句子的表达上仍有改进空间。
最重要的是argument最好少用自己的观点
水平有限，有地方该得不妥还请务必指出啊^_^

Good luck and great success in the coming New Year.

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