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[未归类] [Dark-Tournament-TOEFL备战军]第一次写作作业---也请组外的大侠们狠狠狠拍 [复制链接]

ock11
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2008-11-4 13:56:07 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

题目：
Some people think that scientists make the most important contributions to society. Other people think that the contribution of the artists are the most important. Which position do you agree with? Give specific reasons and examples to support your answers.

Some people think that scientists make the most important contributions to society; however, other people think that contributions of artists are most important. Whereas, in my view, I think that both scientists and artists make great contributions to humanity, they have the same importance to mankind. ( “难分高下“不知道在英语中应该怎么写)

Scientists contribute greatly to humanity. I want to ask everyone a few questions at first---what is knowledge? what is science? what is the purpose of human knowledge? Knowledge is a sum of human understanding of nature, society and human beings. Science is kind of a more systematic knowledge than general one. The purpose of knowledge in the final analysis is: survival and development of humankind. In the long, long human history, humankind has paid tremendous hardships in order to survive and develop. Science plays a significant role in this process. Science helps us to obtain food, to build shelter, even to land on the moon. Science makes huge contributions to human race. In the arduous way toward scientific truth, scientists exhaust their wisdom and energy, contributing phenomenally to human society. It is scientists that provide us with various kinds of delicious foods; it is scientists that give us excellent treatments for diseases; it is scientists that make our dream to explore the universe to become reality. I salute to them!

Artists also contribute greatly to humanity. Similarly, I want to ask a couple of questions to every person---what are the arts? what is the purpose of the arts? I try to give a definition of the arts. I think that the arts refer to all kinds of media (other than science) through which people can express their feelings and their perception of the world, such as literature, music, painting, sculpture and so on. The purpose of the arts, I think, is to express people’s strong or sincere emotions and to illustrate human profound understanding of the world. Both aspects have precious values for mankind. For example, Bach’s music often impresses deeply people’s soul, just because his music is full of awe, veneration, piety and goodness of human nature. The brilliance of human nature almost features all his works. People can be strongly electrified by beauties of human nature and gain immense spiritual relish from his works. Bach makes great contributions to people’s lives. Another great artist, Da Vinci, is the first man in art history to introduce the perspective method into painting, setting up a new milestone in painting. He embodies painting a brand-new form through his profound probing into the world. He also contributes greatly to human life. There are also a large number of other examples can prove this point: artists contribute greatly to humankind. Likewise, I salute to them!

Scientists and artists, both of them contribute greatly to humanity. It is difficult to judge which is more important. They all have great significance to society. I think that people should not have to determine which is higher; (非要分出一个高下，英语怎么说？) instead, people should recognize the merits of either party, and respect the merits of either party.

[ 本帖最后由 ock11 于 2008-11-4 14:20 编辑 ]

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mpromanus
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沙发

发表于 2008-11-5 00:44:12 |只看该作者

嗯，反正闲着也是闲着，今天报名没满，就把你这篇补上吧。

Some people think that scientists make the most important contributions to society; however, other people think that contributions of artists are most important. Whereas, in my view, I think that both scientists and artists make great contributions to humanity. They have the same importance to mankind (典型的跑句run-on sentence. 我要强调再强调：在中文里缺乏连词很正常的复句在英文中是语法错误). ( “难分高下“不知道在英语中应该怎么写) (勉强可以用'comparable', 但是勉强寻找一个单词不如直接简单地用短句描述你想写的东西：it's hard to distinguish which group makes more important contributions. 不要因为想展示词汇或者句型而钻牛角尖。 BTW, 问题明确地提问了'Which position do you agree with' - 所以你最好选一边。我不是说骑墙派不好，但better be safe than sorry. 不要担心选一边会显得不客观或者你歧视谁，骑墙不保证会让考官觉得你更客观)

Scientists contribute greatly to humanity. I want to ask everyone a few questions at first (你写的是议论文，不是演讲稿 - 尽量不要用这种在有些考官眼里可能会显得很幼稚的说法) ---what is knowledge? what is science? what is the purpose of human knowledge? Knowledge is a sum of human understandings of nature, society and human beings. Science is kind of a more systematic system of knowledge than the general knowledge system one (技术上来说，科学是一套特别的系统和方法的总称). The purpose of knowledge in the final analysis (这个final analysis是什么?上下文都看不见哪里有final analysis. I think you mean 'the ultimate purpose of knowledge') is: survival and development of humankind. In the long, long human history, humankind (humankind倒的确是一个词，但是我很怀疑一般美国人知不知道这个词和mankind是一个意思) has paid (undergone) tremendous hardships in order to survive and develop. Science plays a significant role in this process (技术上来说，真正系统地对人类的社会组织、生活方式和技术水平产生广泛深刻影响的现代科学系统是16-17世纪才开始成型的。之前的古典科学泰半停留在经验、方法和理论的水平。不过托福考官当然是不关心这种细节的). Science helps us to obtain food, to build shelter, even to land on the moon (关于登月的八卦: 美国还有很多人坚信当年的阿波罗登月是造假，所以最好不要碰上一个刚好持造假主义的考官。。不过这是玩笑话). Science makes huge contributions to human race. In the arduous way towards scientific truth, scientists exhaust their wisdom and energy, contributing phenomenally to the human society. It is scientists that provide us with various kinds of delicious foods (你确定你要无视农民伯伯的辛勤汗水吗。。:P:P I think it's safer and more sensible to say 'scientists...provide us with ...foods around the year, around the globe'. 这样谁都不得罪) ; it is scientists that give us excellent treatments for diseases; it is scientists that make our dream to explore the universe to become reality. I salute to them!

Artists also contribute greatly to humanity. Similarly, I want to ask a couple of questions to every person---what are the arts? what is the purpose of the arts? I try to give a definition of the arts. I think that the arts refer to all kinds of media (other than science) through which people can express their feelings and their perceptions of the world, such as literature, music, painting, sculpture and so on (这些只是the arts中的一部分，即the fine arts美艺. 如果你提到表达方式之为艺术，至少要提下电影，不能只提fine arts，会让人有错觉的). The purpose of the arts, I think, is to express people’s strong or sincere emotions and to illustrate human's profound understanding of the world. Both aspects have precious values for mankind. For example, Bach’s music (I'm surprised. 同好?) often impresses touches deeply into people’s souls, just because his music is full of awe, veneration, piety and goodness of human nature. The brilliance of human nature almost features in all his works. People can be strongly electrified by the beauties of human nature and gain immense spiritual relish from his works. Bach makes great contributions to people’s lives.(I know, I know. He's great and good and lovely and adorable and divine. But it's dangerous to get too carried away on one musician when you are writing an essay on scientists and artists in general.) Another great artist, Da Vinci, is the first man in art history to introduce the perspective method into painting (技术上来说，达芬奇并不是第一个使用透视法绘画的人。。他是第一个使用*正确的*透视法绘画的人。。但是当然托福考官也不会关心这种细节问题的), setting up a new milestone in painting techniques. He embodies in painting a brand-new form through his profound probing into the world. He also contributes greatly to human life. There are also a large number of other examples that can prove this point: artists contribute greatly to humankind. Likewise, I salute to them! (Now, now, 我看出来你对艺术家的话题非常热衷，所以之前你选择骑墙现在看来也是可以理解的了。但是让我们回头来看作文的问题：达芬奇对绘画技巧作出了很大贡献 - 这是你说的，所以达芬奇是在给画家这个职业作贡献。那么你怎么得到artists contribute greatly to human life这个结论的呢？例子呢？在段落结尾用一句also轻描淡写地提出来是不够的。)

Scientists and artists: both of them contribute greatly to humanity. It is difficult to judge which is who are more important. They all have great significances to the society. I think that people should not have to determine which is higher; (非要分出一个高下，英语怎么说？) (fight to rank them?) instead, people should recognize the merits of either party, and respect the merits of either party.

总结：

以语言的技术方面（语法，词汇）看，这算是相当不错的一篇，基本上没有大失误。

主要问题1. 骑墙。这个说过了，因为题目很明确地问了，所以最好是乖一点。

主要问题2. 我称之为扬长避短现象。因为热衷并且擅长谈论艺术相关的话题，所以看到题目有个谈艺术的机会就开始大谈艺术，巴赫如何如何，达芬奇如何如何。的确每个人都喜欢谈自己有兴趣并擅长的话题，但是题目并不是问你喜欢哪些艺术家呀。不过至少你谈完了之后还能发觉貌似有些跑题，再照着题目的方向加了一句半句，虽然会让人觉得也许在糊弄，但有糊弄总比完全无视题目强些。所以不要看见一个喜欢的关键字就忘形，议论文的关键是冷静清晰的头脑，指导方针一定要是题目。

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板凳

发表于 2008-11-6 09:56:27 |只看该作者

看到我拍的作文这么好，我都不敢考了，

都不好意思说是考过GRE的，楼上拍得也好

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ock11
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地板

发表于 2008-11-6 12:10:20 |只看该作者

楼上不用过奖，我的语言并不好，请从严从细狠狠狠拍，里面还有一些错误，我现在也发现了，看你们的眼力了。

我的水平并不高，拍你们的拍错了请别见怪。

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saavedro
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5楼

发表于 2008-11-7 00:58:01 |只看该作者

Some people think that scientists make the most important contributions to society. Other people think that the contribution of the artists are the most important. Which position do you agree with? Give specific reasons and examples to support your answers.|留学|签证|TOEFL|GRE3U
V1N-`\L
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TOEFL|GRE\)N$i&U-@O
Some people think that scientists make the most important contributions to society; however, other people think that contributions of artists are most important. Whereas, in my view, I think that both scientists and artists make great contributions to humanity, they have the same importance to mankind. ( “难分高下“不知道在英语中应该怎么写) Roland for an Oliver GRE中也有一个词汇：counterbalance 是势均力敌的意思。
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Scientists contribute greatly to humanity. I want to ask everyone a few questions at first---what is knowledge? what is science? what is the purpose of human knowledge? Knowledge is a sum of human understanding of nature, society and human beings. Science is kind of a more systematic knowledge than general one. The purpose of knowledge in the final analysis is: survival and development of humankind. In the long, long human history, humankind has paid tremendous hardships in order to survive and develop. Science plays a significant role in this process. Science helps us to obtain food, to build shelter, even to land on the moon. Science makes huge contributions to human race. In the arduous way toward scientific truth, scientists exhaust their wisdom and energy, contributing phenomenally to human society. It is scientists that provide us with various kinds of delicious foods; it is scientists that give us excellent treatments for diseases; it is scientists that make our dream to explore the universe to become reality.  楼主这一段写的不错。在开篇以问句形势提出问题，然后使用排比作答和举例！！！后面又以排比作为总结。这种表达很好！！！！  赞！！！  楼主语言功底也很不错！！！  语言流畅用词恰当！！！
I salute to them!re8_[}[3k?-K

EUV r%U7Q+q
Artists also contribute greatly to humanity. Similarly, I want to ask a couple of questions to every person---what are the arts? what is the purpose of the arts? I try to give a definition of the arts. （在TOEFL这种考试中，这样的写法未必好！！！  托福写作模式和四六级比较有相似度的说！！！）I think that the arts refer to all kinds of media (other than science) through which people can express their feelings and their perception of the world, such as literature, music, painting, sculpture and so on. The purpose of the arts, I think, is to express people’s strong or sincere emotions and to illustrate human profound understanding of the world. Both aspects have precious values for mankind. For example, Bach’s music often impresses deeply people’s soul, just because his music is full of awe, veneration, piety and goodness of human nature. （非常漂亮！！！我很喜欢巴赫的音乐。。看到楼主评论到，很是激动！！！  而且楼主居然使用到了GRE词汇 piety，非常难得！！！）The brilliance of human nature almost features all his works. People can be strongly electrified by beauties of human nature and gain immense spiritual relish from his works.（赞！！！） Bach makes great contributions to people’s lives. Another great artist, Da Vinci, is the first man in art history to introduce the perspective method into painting, setting up a new milestone in painting. He embodies painting a brand-new form through his profound probing into the world. He also contributes greatly to human life. There are also a large number of other examples can prove this point: artists contribute greatly to humankind. （看到这里发现了些问题。楼主举例很有套路性，冒昧的问一句，楼主是不是也是刚考过GRE的？  刚才看楼主在写作方面的屈驾能力就知道非等闲之辈啊，有相当基础的说。所以推断楼主也是从GRE版转过来的？？？）Likewise, I salute to them!|留学|签证|TOEFL|GREN}"Lb$Ui `"fik

Scientists and artists, both of them contribute greatly to humanity. It is difficult to judge which is more important. They all have great significance to society. I think that people should not have to determine which is higher; (非要分出一个高下，英语怎么说？)  instead, people should recognize the merits of either party, and respect the merits of either party.F1rBU)?.c
看到这里已经完全可以证明，楼主就是考过GRE的然后过来转TOEFL，结尾这种混合折衷评价，让我完全证实我的猜测！！！

总体来说，楼主语言能力因为经过GRE的高强度训练，已经基本没有什么大问题了。词汇和句式上多样化已经完全满足TOEFL的要求。文章一些套路性的东西因为刚刚经过GRE，所以还没有及时转到TOEFL上来，需要楼主多看下官方范文体会一下。另外楼主结尾这种折衷式在TOEFL中好像是禁止的，当然我也是这么写的呵呵！！！    楼主继续加油！！！

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mpromanus
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6楼

发表于 2008-11-7 11:46:32 |只看该作者

不太厚道地晃出来: 楼上的童鞋展现出了典型非英语母语的英语使用者常见的弱点，就是不太能够区分近义词之间细微的区别。Roland for an Oliver和counterbalance的确都有不相上下的意思没错，但是这两个词的nuance是不适合用在这个题目上的。

Roland和Oliver是欧洲著名骑士传说中的一对武力不相上下的手帕交骑士，他们是在骑士打架的场合里不相上下，那种不打不成交的手帕交。。所以Roland for an Oliver指的是a blow for a blow，对方打你，你用不相上下的力打回去，一般是用在吵架打架之类的暴力场合: They gave a fierce argument but we gave them a Roland for their Oliver. 像比较科学家和艺术家这种题目，要用也不是不可以，只是会显得很暴力。。

counterbalance和Roland for an Oliver的短语近似，一个要点是counter-，就是有oppose，迎头反对的意思，另外一个重点在-balance，也就是强调结果是达到某种平衡的意思。最常用这个词的context是一种东西抵消了另外一种东西的作用。科学家和艺术家的贡献第一并不互相制约，第二他们的贡献的总和并不追求什么平衡，所以counterbalance明显也不适用在这个题目。

其实俺说了半天的要点还是，遣词要准确，但是不是所有的中文都有很准确的一对一英文翻译的，所以TOEFL不用强求词汇，能把话讲得清楚，明白，free of simple mistakes，其实更加重要。

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ock11
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7楼

发表于 2008-11-7 19:18:56 |只看该作者

saavedro 真是好眼力！赞一个先！！！

saavedro不但有强大的英语功底，强大的知识功底，而且有强大的判断能力。

我刚考完10g,但愿别考砸。

你的评判非常好！衷心感谢你的评判！

mpromanus的实力让我非常钦佩！不但有强大的知识功底，强大的逻辑功底，而且有强大的英语功底。远超过我。

你的回复非常好！衷心感谢你的回复！

我的文章如果拿给英语为母语的人看，肯定会挑出很多错误，请大家一定要狠批。大家加油。

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