[a习作temp] argument 147 拍拍更健康拍了我肯定拍你 [复制链接]

gottlieb
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发表于 2009-8-19 23:51:41 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 gottlieb 于 2009-8-20 20:09 编辑

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

The editor exhibits some evidences to support the opinion that the sales of Whirlwind(W) video games will increase dramatically in the next few monthes. However, for my part of view, those evidences given by the editor are not only insufficent but also unsound.

First of all, the editor does not tell us the credibility about the survey. The unsound can be discussed by following aspects. The survey perhaps is incompetent. It does not include enough people who have intrerest in video games and
will purchase video games. If this point is real, the result that 10 to 25 age group most likely to play video games is unsound or even false. Even if enough people have surveyed, the survey is also invalid. The reason is the editor does not show us how many chioces are in the survey. People who attended in the survey, perhaps, are led into an answer which is design by the man designed it. If this is the fact, the reality of the survey should be considered again. Moreover, the relationship between the survey and the dramatically increasing is indirect. Too many details should be pondered and can dicide whether players will purchase the video games will be discussed below.

It is worth pointing that too much limits limit the increase of sales . When the company introduces several games to the market, the competents of this company, perhaps, has introduced the similar games to the players. The editor does give enough information to us to believe that the W's games are competent enough. It may be that other companies' games are better than W's, the sales of W company will decline more than before because they have spent money to research new games with lifelike graphics. Even though the Ws' games are the best in the market, the sales of video games perhaps barriers by these reasons.

As stating in the argument, games which W company introduces have lifelike graphics and require the most up to date computers. Perhaps, unfortunatelly most of players do not have such most up to date computers. Their computers cannot work the game. This point will directlly decrease the sales of Ws' new video games. On the other hand, the argument says that the 10 to 25 age-group most likely play video games, however the editor forgets to ponder this point that the purchase ability of this group. If they just have great intresteing in playing games, but they do not have enough money to purchase games. Sales of video games perhaps still cannot be improved. So this evidence is also unsound enough to support the editor’s final idea that the sales of W video games increase dramatically in next few months.

Even if I concede all points which are really suspect, the conclusion of this argument still should be reconsider. Introducing good games to the market is just one way to increase the sales, in other words, the real reasons of decline is not caused games. Such the manegment, Sale planes, and so forth also can contribute the decline in over past two years. The editor should rule out these possibility before he or she gets the conclusion about after introducing games into markets.

In sum, the conclusion, W company will increase the salse dramatically in next few months, is unvalid and unsound. If the editor want to convice us to hold the same idea, points stated above should be proved powerfully at least.

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nuaasky
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发表于 2009-8-21 19:11:13 |只看该作者

The editor exhibits some evidences to support the opinion that the sales of Whirlwind (W) video games will increase dramatically in the next few monthes（months）. However, for my part of view, those evidences given by the editor are not only insufficent but also unsound. （这句话大概有语法错误，划下划线的地方大概不能那样表达吧，你可写in my point of view。这句话也写得有些啰嗦）
（开头简单地restate了题目，但不是很好，建议参考6分的范文或其他比较地道的表达）
First of all, the editor does not tell us the credibility about the survey.(有些中国式表达了) The unsound（此词是形容词，这里应该用个名词才对） can be discussed by following aspects. The survey perhaps（建议去掉） is incompetent. It does not include enough people who have intrerest（interest） in video games and will purchase video games. （表达对什么感兴趣应该是be interested in/with，这里的表达太中国化了。这里应该是要表达“是否有足够的人被调查”，可以加个whether）If this point is real,（如果这点是真的，推荐if this is true） the result that （加个动词，比如range from...to）10 to 25 age group (少be动词了，be likely to)most likely to play video games is unsound or even false. Even if enough people have (been) surveyed, the survey is also(可以写still仍然) invalid. The reason is the editor does not show us how many chioces are in the survey. （这句话让人费解，什么叫有多少选择？）People who attended in the survey, perhaps, are led into an answer which is design by the man designed it.
（时态混乱，前面过去式，后面用are了，这句话表达得也费解）If this is the fact, the reality of the survey should be considered again. Moreover, （这里用这个词是失败的，因为这里没有并列表达一个新分论点）the relationship between the survey and the dramatically increasing is indirect. Too many details should be pondered and can dicide whether players will purchase the video games will be discussed below. （这句话就更有问题了，似乎是要表达两个意思。你可以说more details ...should be ...后半句我没看懂）
这段的表达很成问题，几乎每句话都有问题，所以给人意思不清晰的感觉
It is worth pointing （值得指出？这样或许有些中国式）that too much limits（推荐constraints之类） limit the increase of sales. When the company introduces several games to the market, the competents（这个词是adj名词可以用competitors） of this company, perhaps, has introduced the similar games to the players.
（前半句和后半句是有时间先后关系的，可以写那个公司begin...则有可能对手already怎样了）The editor does（not？）
give enough information to us to believe that the W's games are competent enough. It may be （直接Maybe）that other companies' games are better than W's, the sales of W company will（这里用“可能”更好，比如may，would，perhaps等） decline more than before because they have spent money to research new games with lifelike graphics. Even though the Ws' games are the best in the market, the sales of video games perhaps barriers by these reasons.
（这段开头说是limits，但是后面说的好像跟limits没什么关系。可以说是因为有竞争对手所以有风险。这段的表述也不是很清楚）
As stating in the argument,（这个说得可能，可以写as it is mentioned in the argument） games which W company introduces （，）have lifelike graphics and require the most up to date computers. Perhaps, unfortunatelly（多了一个l） most of players do not have such most up to date computers. Their computers cannot work the game.（the game can not work on their computer） This point will directlly decrease the sales of Ws' new video games. (武断了，却没有论述)On the other hand,
（从前后来看，用这个纯属多余）the argument says that the 10 to 25 age-group most likely play video games, however the editor forgets to ponder this point that the purchase ability of this group. If they just have great intresteing （interests）in playing games, but they do not have enough money to purchase games. （这句话表达有误，应该是即使但是，不是如果单是）Sales of video games perhaps still cannot be improved. So this evidence is also unsound enough to support the editor’s final idea that the sales of W video games increase dramatically in next few months.

Even if I concede all points which are really suspect, the conclusion of this argument still should be reconsider(+ed). Introducing good games to the market is just one way to increase the sales,（这里应该断句） in other words, the real reasons of decline is not caused （by？）games. Such the manegment（management）, Sale planes（plans）, and so forth also can contribute （to）the decline in（去掉） over past two years. The editor should rule out these possibility（要复数）
before he or she gets the conclusion about after（去掉） introducing games into markets.

In sum, the conclusion, W company will increase the salse(sales) dramatically in next few months, is unvalid（invalid） and unsound. If the editor want(+s) to convice us to hold the same idea(convince ...of), points stated above should be proved powerfully at least.

语言方面
1、读下来语法错误非常多，单词拼错的很多，时态，单复数我能够的尽量改了
2、单词、句子用的不准确，会让人有歧义，具体的文中我所标示的
逻辑方面
1、文章基本的逻辑是有的，知道是从调查的人员不够，不一定有能力买硬件，其他原因（导致video game少销量，限制，管理，规划）
2、但是这个逻辑说得很不清晰。段落之间缺少联系，比如必要的transition words，像because，however，for instance用的不好。主要是分论点之间应当有联系，或并列，或递进，或其他总值得你用一些词的。
3、各个论点分析不够透彻，主要是语法错误，句子混乱没有让人明白意思导致。
所以建议一下方面改进：
1、
针对此文作者可能需要重新写一下
2、
一些基本的语法问题要解决，从文中看，问题很大几乎每句都错。这个如果下次不确定的话就先用词典查一下，另外可以通过大量阅读英文材料（外国人写得）来提高
3、
对于argument的写法感觉作者文章过于啰嗦了，建议多读范文，看看范文是怎样简洁的

总之，这篇文章分数不能很高，作者还需要很多努力，至少从今天起就要订立计划多练多学了~
个人意见，仅供参考

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