[a习作temp] Argument237 Splendidsun 欢迎狂拍~~~ [复制链接]

splendidsun
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楼主

发表于 2010-1-30 20:54:30 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由家家☆yoonjae 于 2010-1-31 22:20 编辑

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TOPIC: ARGUMENT237 - The following appeared as part of an article in a local Beauville newspaper.
"According to a government report, last year the city of Dillton reduced its corporate tax rate by 15 percent; at the same time, it began offering relocation grants and favorable rates on city utilities to any company that would relocate to Dillton. Within 18 months, two manufacturing companies moved to Dillton, where they employ a total of 300 people. Therefore, the fastest way for Beauville to stimulate economic development and hence reduce unemployment is to provide tax incentives and other financial inducements that encourage private companies to relocate here."

In this argument, the author recommends that Beauville (B) should provide financial inducements to encourage the companies relocate there so as to stimulate the economic development and reduce unemployment. To support his recommendation, he points our that Dillton (D) have gain accomplishment by the same methods. However, further reflections of this suggestion reveals that it suffers from several logical flaws.

Firstly, the author fails to provide enough information about these two cities to prove that they are comparable. The location, population and resources of a city are all crucial factors that have influence on its development.
To be specific, it is possible that D has a large population. The great number of potential consumers attracts many companies to relocate and open their business there. Not given the solid evidence to support the similarity of these two cities, it is too hasty to conclude that B could reap the same effect as D by the same methods.

Secondly, without more information about D’s economic conditions and employment level before and after the incentives were established it is impossible to assess whether those incentives had a positive or negative impact-or any impact –on D’s overall economy. The fact that two companies moved to D and employed 300 people, in itself, does not reflect the overall situation of D. It is possible that the increase of the tax revenue from two companies could not offset, even outweigh the relocation grants that the government offers to the companies, which might lead to the financial deficit as a result.

Thirdly, the author unfairly assumes that D’s prosperity, if any, results from the policies implemented last year. However, it might be due to some other reasons instead:
market environment, market demand and the competitors are all concerned by the companies to decide whether move to this area. If D has a healthy market environment that is helpful for the development of company, the number of companies in this area would increase consequently. Without ruling out these alternative possibilities, the author could not confidently conclude that the prosperity results from incentive policies.

In conclusion, the author fails to substantiate his recommendation that B should take the same actions as D to stimulate economic development and reduce unemployment. To strengthen his suggestion, he should provide more details about these two cities and the effect of this action on the D’s economic condition and unemployment level. Furthermore, some other possible methods may contribute to the B’s economy more efficiently.

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家家☆yoonjae
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沙发

发表于 2010-1-31 23:34:59 |只看该作者

本帖最后由家家☆yoonjae 于 2010-1-31 23:39 编辑

TOPIC: ARGUMENT237 - The following appeared as part of an article in a local Beauville newspaper.
"According to a government report, last year the city of Dillton reduced its corporate tax rate by 15 percent; at the same time, it began offering relocation grants and favorable rates on city utilities to any company that would relocate to Dillton. Within 18 months, two manufacturing companies moved to Dillton, where they employ a total of 300 people. Therefore, the fastest way for Beauville to stimulate economic development and hence reduce unemployment is to provide tax incentives and other financial inducements that encourage private companies to relocate here."

In this argument, the author recommends that Beauville (B) should provide financial inducements to encourage the companies relocate there so as to stimulate the economic development and reduce unemployment. (这一句有比较明显的逻辑问题，文中的内容一定要严格按照原作者的初衷，provide financial inducements是正确的，但是文中说的是private companies，换成companies的话有偷换概念的嫌疑，也可以说有被人质疑的漏洞，事实上private在文中也可以作为错误类比的一个有力证据，因为D市的政策并没有明确指出是针对private companies的；再有就是and，这里用and没有用表目的的连接词合适) To support his recommendation, he points our that Dillton (D) have gain accomplishment by the same (这里用similar会比same更准确一些，same过于绝对) methods. However, further reflections of this suggestion reveals that it suffers from several logical flaws. 【应该说开头的部分做得还不够到位，因为是rater对通篇印象分的关键环节，如何开好头显得非常重要，一般来说，在开头一定要用“精炼”（既概括清楚原文的主要逻辑链，又不是单纯重复的赘述）的语言整理出清晰逻辑过程，要做到这一点，首先一定要将原文的逻辑推理过程及各个部分、环节分析透彻，并且要做到信息的“精”与“准”，换句话说也就是抓关键词。】
Firstly, the author fails to provide enough information about these two cities to prove that they are comparable.(虽然这里抓住了原文最主要的逻辑错误，也就是错误类比，但是用comparable来代替，显得过分广义了，不够准确，即使这两个城市具备一定的可比性或者说相似性，也不能简单与两者可以使用相同的经济政策等同起来吧？也许它们是别的方面具有可比性，换句话说，攻击的力度不够，所谓打蛇打七寸，一定要又准又狠，关于这篇文章错误类比的切入点其实很好写，the author fails to provide enough evidence to prove that D’s economical policies would be equally valid at B.) The location, population and resources of a city are all crucial factors that have influence on its development. (跟之前提到的问题是一样的，用development来说太笼统了，我们应该focus在原文讨论的问题上，重点关注economic development。)To be specific, it is possible that D has a large population. (这里断句的话，句子的意思也就断了，逻辑很跳跃，D has a large population，然后呢？这里断句显然是不可取的，因为rater不会对你的任何一句话做出推断，只会止于你所写的内容，所以一定要通篇逻辑环环相扣。) The great number of potential consumers attracts many companies to relocate and open their business there. Not given the solid evidence to support the similarity of these two cities, it is too hasty to conclude that B could reap the same effect as D by the same methods. 【结束句倒是写得还不错，可是论证的过程过于单薄了些，也就只就一个population的点展开了两句，驳斥的力度不够，另外一点建议就是不要一直firstly, secondly, thirdly会比较好一点，同义替换的词汇其实很多，个人认为这种非常显眼并且最主要的逻辑错误，完全可以用fundamentally】

Secondly, without more information about D’s economic conditions and employment level before and after the incentives were established it is impossible to assess whether those incentives had a positive or negative impact-or any impact –on D’s overall economy. (这个主题句就占去了第二段论述的将近一半篇幅，很多的内容都是可以在后面的论证中展开的，主题句一定要精练，严重需要“瘦身”。)The fact that two companies moved to D and employed 300 people, in itself, does not reflect the overall situation of D. It is possible that the increase of the tax revenue from two companies could not offset, even outweigh the relocation grants that the government offers to the companies, which might lead to the financial deficit as a result. (论证的思路还是跳跃了，which might lead to the financial deficit as a result，然后接下来呢？不要留半句让rater去猜。)

Thirdly, the author unfairly assumes that D’s prosperity, if any, results from the policies implemented last year. (这里最好结合原文中提及的政策与改变添加一句来说明D市所采用的policies不是unique reason，这样跟后面的however衔接起来会比较顺利。) However, it might be due to some other reasons instead: market environment, market demand and the competitors and so forth, such factors are all concerned by the companies to decide whether move to this area. If D has a healthy market environment that is helpful for the development of company, the number of companies in this area would increase consequently. Without ruling out these alternative possibilities, the author could not confidently conclude that the prosperity results from incentive policies.

In conclusion, the author fails to substantiate his recommendation that B should take the same actions as D to stimulate economic development and reduce unemployment. To strengthen his suggestion, he should provide more details about these two cities and the effect of this action on the D’s economic condition and unemployment level. Furthermore, some other possible methods may contribute to the B’s economy more efficiently.【个人习惯，结尾不改】

红色部分表示有问题，绿色批注为个人建议，蓝色批注为整体建议，橘色单词为个人添加，紫色单词为不错的用词

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emteddybear
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板凳

发表于 2010-2-1 10:05:55 |只看该作者

【应该说开头的部分做得还不够到位，因为是rater对通篇印象分的关键环节，如何开好头显得非常重要，一般来说，在开头一定要用“精炼”（既概括清楚原文的主要逻辑链，又不是单纯重复的赘述）的语言整理出清晰逻辑过程，要做到这一点，首先一定要将原文的逻辑推理过程及各个部分、环节分析透彻，并且要做到信息的“精”与“准”，换句话说也就是抓关键词。】

很受用，学习了

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