[未归类] angell的独立写作练习~第一次练习望大家帮忙~在此先谢过了 [复制链接]

love_angell
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电梯直达

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发表于 2010-2-21 21:43:20 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由 love_angell 于 2010-2-25 00:25 编辑

太久没接触英语了也太久没写过作文了，所以对于作文心里一直很虚，没什么信心，今天终于硬着头皮写下来了，请大家帮忙看看指点下，多提意见^_^
基础薄弱搁浅时间长，so问题较多大家多多包涵哈
以后偶想坚持在这里写文，督促自己，恩！先给自己加油了，一定要坚持下去

第一次题目：（356words/50mins）
Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students. Others believe that higher education should be available only to good students. Discuss these views. Which view do you agree with? Explain why.

When it comes to whether college or university should be available to all students or only to good student, some people support the former notion while others think adverse.

People who hold the opinion that college or university should be available to all students may argue that everybody has equal right to gain education without the bias of “good” or “bad” students and no one can deprive this kind of right. In addition, score is surely not the only standard of judging a student. So college and university should not only be available to those high-score “good” student. People who hold the opposite view think that college or university are professional organizations which are established for academic and research. Like other organization in our society, they are necessarily have their own rules to select people of entering.

I am in favor of the latter opinion with reasons below.

First, we are different individuals with varies characteristics and personalities which form the different habits of thinking and methods in facing problems. And as a member and at the mean time an indispensible part of the society, each one of us has varies pursuit and goals of life, not everyone are suitable for obtaining higher education and doing research.

Moreover, in a deeper aspect, the operation of society needs versatile assignments. Someone have higher education, on the contrary, others have relative low. Moreover, not every kind of work need high education background, such as ordinary workers, farmers. A farmer may learn all the skills which are enough for the daily work from his father rather than from college. The only things we should do is adjusting to the society with our ability and personal preference.

Last but not list, as it mentioned above, there are different social assignments of human beings so that the college and university is the very tool of society to select person those who have the ability to engage in rigid research.

From all the explanation above, I strong believe that college and universities should not available to everybody since people have different goals and talents. We should comply with the rule of society.

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mpromanus
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沙发

发表于 2010-2-24 04:42:01 |只看该作者

When it comes to whether college or university should be available to all students or only to good student, some people support the former notion while others think adverse (This word does mean 'the opposite', but it also has an implication of the opposite being 'harmful' or 'unfavorable'. I'm not sure if this is what you indeed mean to imply, but a more neutral 'the opposite' is generally sufficient.).

People who hold the opinion that college or university should be available to all students may argue that everybody has equal right to gain (This means to 'increase in profit'. For the context of this sentence, 'receive' is better.) education without the bias of “good” or “bad” students, and no one can deprive anybody of this kind of right. In addition, a score ('Good' or 'bad' doesn't always come in terms of scores. Students can be measured by other non-digital notations like grades or bands, so a more generic word like 'measurement' is probably safer.) is surely not the only standard of judging a student. So colleges and universities should not only be available to those high-score “good” student with high scores (Also see the previous comment.). People who hold the opposite view think that colleges or universities are professional organizations which are established for academics and researches. Like any other organization in our society, they are necessarily have their own rules to select people of entering. I am in favor of the latter opinion with reasons below.

First, we are different individuals with varied characteristics and personalities which form the different habits of thinking and methods in facing problems (Hmm. I'm actually kind of amused by the thought of different 'methods' in 'facing' problems..I guess you actually intend to express '...in problem solving'.). And as a member and, at the mean time (You may use either 'at the same time' or 'in the meantime', but not a hybrid. My take is that you can actually omit this phrase), an indispensible part of the society, each one of us has varied (Or 'various'.) pursuits and goals of in life, and not everyone are is suitable for obtaining (Again, 'receive' is the better word.) higher education and doing researches. (This is good, but to make the whole essay more connected, you need to relate this 'suitability' back to the question about availability. Similar suggestions for the paragraphs below. This is a way to ensure that you're fully aware of the question and how your arguments prove your opinion.)

Moreover, in from a deeper aspect, the operation of the society needs versatile assignments? ('versatile' generally describes people, not things, and what kind of 'assignment' is considered a 'versatile assignment' anyway?). Someone has higher education, on the contrary, others have relatively low education levels?. (This is true, but what does this fact have to do with 'versatile assignments'?) Moreover, not every kind of work needs higher education background, such as ordinary workers (Again, what kind of worker is considered an 'ordinary worker' anyway?), or farmers (Then it may surprise you that a lot of farmers in the United States are degree holders.). A farmer may learn all the skills which are enough for the daily work from his father rather than from college. The only things we should do is adjusting to the society with our abilities and personal preferences.

Last but not list the least (Interesting. You seem to know this phrase by hearing it in speeches.), as it mentioned above, there are different social assignments (I think you probably mean 'social roles' here.) of human beings, so that the colleges and universites is are the very tools of society to select person those who have the ability to engage in rigid? (This word means 'lack in flexibility', and I'm not sure if you purposely used it.) researches (Are colleages and universities all about 'researches' and nothing else?). (These 2 paragraphs turn out to be very vague, because apparently you don't know how to properly express the ideas in 'labor differentiation'. It's also unclear why this part is an individual paragraph. It seems to belong more to the previous paragraph.)

From all the explanation above, I strongly believe that colleges and universities should not be available to everybody since people have different goals and talents. We should comply with the rules of society (There are many, many rules in any society. What rules are you referring to here?).

总结：

这位童鞋的英文使用满奇异的，行文、语感和逻辑的发展都很流畅，但是语法错误很多，然后好像知道不少习语但是用起来用的是白字。。开头几段相当的好，论述很细密到位，语言的使用也很好，但从第二个论点（Moreover那段）开始就很含糊，感觉是缺乏能准确描述你想表达的东西的语汇所以就开始浑水摸鱼 =.= 总体的感觉好像是在英文环境中发展出了语感但是没有经过很严格的书写方面的训练这样。

还有要注意的就是切题方面，在论述的阶段最好每段回去和题目打个招呼，这样读者轻松，你也可以借机检查自己的思路是否严谨。

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love_angell
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板凳

发表于 2010-2-24 15:11:21 |只看该作者

2# mpromanus
啊~~~惊喜的看到了Romanu的批改~~内牛满面啊~~~~谢谢Romanus

然后亦是惊奇的看到了“奇异”的评价...恩，这种奇异来源于太久~太久没接触过英文了，全凭几年前那点底子
关于“知道很多但却是白字”，太到位了，我写的时候也是很徘徊，就是有点模糊印象，但记不准确了，庆幸你帮我提出来了
第一次练笔，感谢提了这么多有价值的意见给我

稍后把这篇文章改出来

记几条R批改后的感想吧
1 思路很重要。因为把精力过多的放在了如何表达自己上面，淡化了文章结构，虽然没离题，但是段落之间的衔接以及和首段的呼应不好。这个多看看别人是怎样构造段落的吧，在考前多练习思路。
2 恰当准确的表达自己。想法有，但是表达不出来，或者表达不准确，造成读者理解的困难甚至歧义。这个我想通过多练习就能提高吧。加上练习些汉译英
3 平时练习的时候一定要检查，尽量少的出现白痴语法错误，尽量一遍把句子写准确

先记这些，想起其它的再补

再次感谢R

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