[i习作temp] Issue130_彼岸小组第二次作业_by 7号 [复制链接]

hanhongwei90 UID: 2894262 hanhongwei90 当前离线最后登录 2014-6-29 在线时间 98 小时寄托币 606 声望 20 注册时间 2010-8-31 阅读权限 5 帖子 11 精华 0 积分 464 UID 2894262 禁止发言声望 20 寄托币 606 注册时间 2010-8-31 精华 0 帖子 11 主页发消息	电梯直达楼主发表于 2010-12-11 09:45:38 \|只看该作者 \|倒序浏览提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

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choupghead
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沙发

发表于 2010-12-12 14:52:42 |只看该作者

I totally share with the author’s opinion. Considered the globalized society, to open up and be social is the only(感觉有点绝对化，且看作者下文) choice. And the most basic topic of the social skill, if not the most insignificant one, is to learn how to cooperate with others. To share and to work together is the effective way to make great breakthroughs. However, nowadays the education system, rather than regards children as a whole, has long focused on the ability of each person, the ability to compete（我没觉得合作和竞争是分开的，肯定一方，否定一方：在小的范围是一些人合作，而在大的范围是许多组这些人竞争，才是进步的动力，当然任何观点都可以，只要作者能够很好的论证说服，新角度容易得到高分） and the ability to be the best one among all the people, which if not revised, can block the progress step of our whole society.
Globalization is the everyday theme. All the things we watch, we buy, we eat have some connections with the globalization, which are even so tiny to aware but really actually exists. “How can I generate junctions with the “globalization”, are you exaggerated?” You may get confused. Let me show you in you（r） everyday life. You may have class with oversea students. Your program may be cooperated with a foreign organization. You may go abroad to do business.（我还是没觉得这几个例子很好的说服我认为全球化是那么的无所不在，再举一些更普适的例子。日常一点的最好） Believe it or not, such global communication and cooperation is getting more and more universe（universal）.
In such a condition, to cooperate with others becomes the most important part if you want to make achievements.(这里又很绝对，为什么是最重要的，而不是重要的，如果用了最就要论证好，下面的例子只说了合作的重要，为什么是最重要的？) The biggest software company is no other than the Microsoft. His owner, also the richest person in the world, Bill Gates makes such an accomplishment. Until today the Microsoft still dominates the PC market. How can he do this? It is with his friend Allen that he establishes the Microsoft. Bill and Allen are classmates and good friends, and they together founded the company. They encouraged each other, helped each other at the hard beginning. To do(make) a decision, they discuss, share their own opinion(s), and even have a heated debate sometimes. The mutual understanding, credit, support finally contribute to the fast grow up of Microsoft, which is now a software giant. (我觉得这个例子说明的是他们合作了，他们成功了。读到这里我有些疑问，作者对于socializatoin是如何理解的，貌似什么都没说就开始说合作，全球化什么的，而且没有提到children，看到这里我已经觉得跑题了)To cooperate is to share, to make progress together. As the saying goes, “You have one thought, and I have one thought. if we exchange, we both have two thoughts.” It is not only true among people, but also works among countries. That is why China would like to participate into the WTO, and why the mutual national the World Expo is being highly focus on. So to achieve big progresses, we must learn to cooperate.
However, the education today is inclined to teach our children to be more competitive. The teacher tell our children ,from the very little age, to learn more, to get more high degree，and that only in this way can they be more competitive when we graduate and get a better job, （少连词）have a more comfort life.（还是没说到socialization） Many people, including I myself receive such education even going into the university. The traditional education system holds the belief that you and other people must distribute the same resource and that the fact that other people have something means you will not have, so we must try hard to compete with others. Therefore we are taught to study as hard as possible, to get skills as more as possible. This education model often overlooks the social ability our children need, and never tells the importance of the cooperation. In fact, to cooperate is a way of win-and-win. From this aspect, we have not yet learned how to raise our children.

In a word, the cooperation ability should be emphasized more. Only if we revise the education conception from competition to a more cooperated one, can our children receive both the academic and social ability and can they well adapt to the globalization and make achievements to contribute to a better society.
（结尾没有看，我真的觉得这篇文章跑题了。。你觉得呢，社会化就是全球化么，全球化就是合作么？语言很好，但掩盖不了本质问题，万万注意。）

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fish_snow
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板凳

发表于 2010-12-12 15:55:42 |只看该作者

I totally share with the author’ opinion. Considered the globalized society, to open up and be social is the only choice. And the most basic topic of the social skill, if not the most insignificant one, is to learn how to cooperate with others. To share and to work together is the effective way to make great breakthroughs. However, nowadays the education system, rather than regards children as a whole, has long focused on the ability of each person, （缺连词）the ability to compete and the ability to be the best one among all the people, which if not revised, can block the progress step of our whole society.

Globalization is the everyday theme. All the things we watch, we buy, we eat have some connections with the globalization, which are even so（too）
tiny to aware but really actually exists. “How can I generate junctions with the “globalization” ,are you exaggerated?” You may get confused. Let me show you in you everyday life. You may have class with oversea students. Your program may be cooperated with a foreign organization. You may go abroad to do business.（可以增强论证比如掌握全球化的信息，享受全球化的科技） Believe it or not, such global communication and cooperation is getting more and more universe.

In such a condition, to cooperate with others becomes the most important part if you want to make achievements. The biggest software company is no other than the Microsoft. His owner, also the richest person in the world, Bill Gates makes（have made） such an accomplishment. Until today the Microsoft still dominates the PC market. How can he do this? It is with his friend Allen that he establishes the Microsoft. Bill and Allen are classmates and good friends, and they together founded the company. They encouraged each other, helped each other at the hard beginning. To do a decision, they discuss, share their own opinion, and even have a heated debate sometimes. The mutual understanding, credit, support finally contribute to the fast grow up of Microsoft, which is now a software giant. To cooperate is to share, to make progress together. As the saying goes, “You have one thought, and I have one thought. if we exchange, we both have two thoughts.” It is not only true among people, but also works among countries.
That is why China would like to participate into the WTO, and why the mutual national the World Expo is being highly focus on. So to achieve big progresses, we must learn to cooperate.(作者还没有具体论述社会化对儿童的影响，就开始由全球化扩展到国家了。是不是全球化说的太多了？)

However, the education today is inclined to teach our children to be more competitive. The teacher tell our children ,from the very little age, to learn more, to get more high degree，and that only in this way can they be more competitive when we graduate and get a better job, have a more comfort life. Many people, including I myself receive such education even going into the university. The traditional education system holds the belief that you and other people must distribute the same resource and that （去掉）the fact that other people have something means you will not have（这句话太绝对）, so we must try hard to compete with others. Therefore we are taught to study as hard as possible, to get skills as more as possible. This education model often overlooks the social ability our children need, and never tells the importance of the cooperation. In fact, to cooperate is a way of win-and-win. From this aspect, we have not yet learned how to raise our children.

In a word, the cooperation ability should be emphasized more. Only if we revise the education conception from competition to a more cooperated one, can our children receive both the academic and social ability and can they well adapt to the globalization and make achievements to contribute to a better society.
（通读全文，感觉对于第一个儿童社会化的论点论述的有些偏了，并没有过多针对儿童，而是更着重论述全球化，有跑题之嫌。此外，个人认为观点过于单一，这样使得内容不够丰富，即便字数很多，但是有累赘的感觉。语法错误很少，建议作者重新思考一下行文思路）

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