寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托学术类备考版 › GRE作文互动版 › 刚写了人生第一篇agu，感觉逻辑性不是很强，求指导

返回列表

查看: 1562|回复: 6

[a习作temp] 刚写了人生第一篇agu，感觉逻辑性不是很强，求指导 [复制链接]

heli79
UID: 2919704

新手上路

Rank: 1

声望: 0
寄托币: 36
注册时间: 2010-10-2
精华: 0
帖子: 0

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2011-3-19 17:25:41 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

ARGUMENT76 – The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine

"A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin."

提纲（攻击点）： 1、杂志得出的结论缺乏可信度
                     2、人员的年龄，性别，种族，皮肤健康状态
                     3、先用mild soap再用cream本身缺少证据支持其的可靠性
                     4、marked improvement？怎样？缺少使用前后的皮肤测试的数据来说明明显的改善
                     5、一个月时间，缺少明显的证据说明其为一个合理的测试周期

2011年3月19日16:36:13 词数：635

The argument concludes that new Luxess face cream would bring about marked improvement for the face after the experiment that conducted by health and beauty magazine. However, the conclusion above exists a lot of deficient and lacks of reliability. In my first glance, the test, which is proceed by magazine rather than the agency that is professional in the area of dermatology, would discredit the readers. They intuition of readers would be come out that the magazine and the manufacture would collude with each other for the lucrative purpose.

First, the number of volunteers, which would influence the credulity of result of survey, should be presented. It is obvious that, it is too small to justify the result, whereas, the large amount of the samples of volunteers would ensure the accuracy of the test. The author neglects the information of age, sex, ethnic and environment of life, and the basic condition of facial skin of the volunteers participated in the study that would be the key factors. The quality of skin is partly determined by the age, as it declines as getting older. So it is unreasonable to drawn a cursory conclusion by omitting the assumption of groups of age. The sex hormone affects the condition of facial skin, certified by science. That is, authors should make it clear that what about the proportion of the male and female and the hormone level involved in the test. As a common view by scientific survey, the resident environment of person, the diets, and distinction of ethnic would also play an important part in facial skin that should be considered in the test.

Secondly, I wonder the appropriateness of the procedure of test, as the topic said, which states that washing face with mild soap and then applying Luxess, would be certified to draw the conclusion. It is may be the mild soap that exert the positive effort to facial skin rather than Luxess. Besides, there is also the possibility that both of them are beneficial to facial skin, or coordinate with each other to contribute the better quality of facial skin. In one word, it lacks the evidence to support the idea that Luxess takes effect even if the improvement works. The result of test, which just asserts that marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. However, what the standards of marked improvement refer to and the assessments of facial skin are not definite yet, but just a perception that may be an illusion. Moreover, the results should be listed by comparing each other from the very angle of the assessment that demonstrates the facial skin after the use of Luxess.

Thirdly, the flaws of result are somehow associated with time. The time of washing face is just a month of every morning, the magazine should reveal that which month of the year carrying out the test and the exact time when they wash the face. The distinction of season related to month would exert somewhat strength to better or worse facial skin, while the differences of exact time of washing face would lead to failure, either. Therefore, author would not eliminate the influence that weather, humidity the season brings about, distinction of precise washing time, and the like. What’s more, readers including me may call in doubt duration of just one month. Based on the theory of scientific essays, the test period should be prolonged in order to get rid of the individual psychological and coincidental element.

To sum up and to conclude, the final conclusion of test is not reliable and should be modified from many logic points that state above in order to convince the readers. Furthermore, the survey should be added some evidences and statistic which ensure the test full of cause-and-effect relationship to make it sound and plausible.

相关帖子 Updated by 2024.12.01

albeit tough, deserved!

回应
0

使用道具举报

youliye UID: 2820541 youliye 当前离线最后登录 2014-6-3 在线时间 71 小时寄托币 501 声望 1 注册时间 2010-5-26 阅读权限 5 帖子 3 精华 0 积分 550 UID 2820541 禁止发言声望 1 寄托币 501 注册时间 2010-5-26 精华 0 帖子 3 主页发消息	沙发发表于 2011-3-21 11:21:46 \|只看该作者提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽
	【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer
	使用道具举报

heli79
UID: 2919704

新手上路

Rank: 1

声望: 0
寄托币: 36
注册时间: 2010-10-2
精华: 0
帖子: 0

板凳

发表于 2011-3-21 15:33:46 |只看该作者

1# heli79
谢谢，，，呵呵，，，第一次，，，就是时间没有控制好的，悲剧啊

albeit tough, deserved!

使用道具举报

自性弥陀
UID: 3002322

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 3
寄托币: 511
注册时间: 2011-2-2
精华: 0
帖子: 15

地板

发表于 2011-3-21 18:51:49 |只看该作者

确实有些话可以去掉哦，不过觉得你整个框架还是不错的，另外一些小的错误尽量不要犯，比如It is may be the mild soap that，还有 the flaws of result are somehow associated with time，是不是应该说the correctness of the result is somehow associated with time更好一些？加油，总之第一篇已经很好啦~~

千里之行，始于足下。

使用道具举报

heli79
UID: 2919704

新手上路

Rank: 1

声望: 0
寄托币: 36
注册时间: 2010-10-2
精华: 0
帖子: 0

5楼

发表于 2011-3-22 00:06:22 |只看该作者

确实有些话可以去掉哦，不过觉得你整个框架还是不错的，另外一些小的错误尽量不要犯，比如It is may be the mild soap that，还有 the flaws of result are somehow associated with time，是不是应该说the correctn ...
自性弥陀发表于 2011-3-21 18:51

谢谢您的宝贵意见，大家一起努力，加油！

albeit tough, deserved!

使用道具举报