寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托学术类备考版 › GRE作文互动版 › 9.3就考试了才第一次写作文跪求批改啊！issue101来日必当 ...

返回列表

查看: 1628|回复: 6

[i习作temp] 9.3就考试了才第一次写作文跪求批改啊！issue101来日必当涌泉相报 [复制链接]

纵岛小姐
UID：3151932

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 176
注册时间: 2011-8-15
精华: 0
帖子: 6

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2011-8-27 21:29:21 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

本帖最后由纵岛小姐于 2011-8-28 20:12 编辑

Although innovations such as video, computers, and the Internet seem to offer schools improved methods for instructing students, these technologies all too often distract from real learning.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position

第一次写，不知道怎么下笔，写了两天才写完！！9.3就考试了，怎么办啊！不到五百字。
提纲：
1.有人认为应用技术创新是好的
2.互联网和电脑引发网瘾，消耗学生精力，降低学习效率
3.不良内容色情暴力引发学生犯罪
4.电脑和互联网的使用导致学生的书法能力、计算能力、写作能力下降
5.应当在严格监督下应用这些innovation

相关帖子 Updated by 2024.09.20

回应
0

使用道具举报

纵岛小姐
UID：3151932

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 176
注册时间: 2011-8-15
精华: 0
帖子: 6

沙发

发表于 2011-8-27 21:32:46 |只看该作者

下面是我的作文!括号里面是不确定的地方！
Nowadays, schools are widely inclined to apply video, computers, and the Internet to their routine education, varying from paradigm video lessons to online homeworks, since they (maintain) the amelioration of educating techniques brought by those innovations. It is ubiquitous to see that a school with no facilities relevant with computer or TV-sets is criticized as out-fashioned.

However, while those technological inventions are being passionately acclaimed by （很多plenty） of enthusiastic educators as well as parents, I share the point of view with the statement that, application of innovations, though advantageous in some measure, may do more harm to the student's real learning. Since, students, most of whom are juveniles under 20 and often have a nature of curiosity, are apt to be obsessed by dazzling(眼花缭乱的) information as well as applications form the Internet and the computer, such as games, on-line shopping and（social network sites社交网站）, it is of considerable possibility that some of them develop Internet Addiction Disorder, which drag them far away from serious learning. As a result of Internet addiction, with which people can lose all track of time or neglect eating and sleeping, they are easily deprived of vigor and become feeble physically, thus their study efficiency is seriously undermined.

Futhermore, the widespread availability of sexual and violent content on-line as well as the lack of communication in the real world has given rise to a shockingly large number of Internet-related crimes among students. Exposed too early and too much to the (inappropriate换个说法) content, some juveniles, without supervision under adults, tend to imitate crimes such as rape, robbery, and stealing. Daniel Petric, a 17-year-old boy, killed his mon and shot his dad after being banned from playing a computer game call Halo 3. One may find tons of examples like the prior crime on Internet if he search for them.

At last, the employment of innovations can also lead to lack of certain abilities of students. With the involvement of computers, the calculating (capacity) along with (handwriting skills书法) of American students has declined continuously. What's more, the exceedingly use of Internet language among juveniles may do harm to their competence to write with formal language in their assignments. One would communicate freely with his one thousand friends in Facebook but get a C minus in his paper.

With all this evidence, it is save to say that consequential negative impact may rise from the application of innovations, such as videos, computers as well as Internet， unless strict supervision are beared. Since most students are under the age (with which) people are able to be master of their inquisitiveness and are on the way developing their ablities, they need to be protected from adverse factors that these innovations might bring.

使用道具举报

纵岛小姐
UID：3151932

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 176
注册时间: 2011-8-15
精华: 0
帖子: 6

板凳

发表于 2011-8-28 12:04:36 |只看该作者

没人鸟我！！！！
T-T

使用道具举报

cym0417
UID：3033752

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 144
注册时间: 2011-3-17
精华: 0
帖子: 11

地板

发表于 2011-8-28 23:22:55 |只看该作者

同情楼主，和你一样，我也9月3号考,也刚开始看作文

使用道具举报

cym0417
UID：3033752

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 0
寄托币: 144
注册时间: 2011-3-17
精华: 0
帖子: 11

5楼

发表于 2011-8-28 23:26:12 |只看该作者

同情楼主，和你一样，我也9月3号考,也刚开始看作文

使用道具举报

hql5143
UID：3125107

新手上路

Rank: 1

声望: 8
寄托币: 79
注册时间: 2011-7-9
精华: 0
帖子: 0

6楼

发表于 2011-8-29 05:05:14 |只看该作者

文章结构不是太好。第一段不应该只是用来交代背景，而是应该加上提出观点。
提出观点后，后面的论点并没有一个递进的顺序。到了最后，观点的强度变低，从最开始的“may do more harm to the student's real learning” 变成了 “negative impact may rise from the application of innovations”，即从“弊大于利”变成了，“有弊有利“的感觉。

个人感觉issue在考查人的思维。对于任何一道issue题，必然都是仍然可以拿来讨论的open topic. 单纯从一个面说，就显得单薄片面。建议使用如下本人屡试不爽的组织结构方式：1. 总起，2. 第一观点，3.比第一观点更加深入的强观点，4. 反对自己观点的人可能的辩驳依据，以及其不可成立原因。5.总结。如有时间，可以在第2项后，再增加一个比第二观点更强或者并列强度的观点。

按照这样一个框架，我觉得此文可以这么组织（沿用lz原来的观点）. 1. 总起，2. 计算机多媒体教学带来比如计算和书写规范等的问题。 3. 网络和计算机带来学生心理问题 addiction. 4. 如今网络监管不利，不健康内容泛滥，将可能严重影响学生身心. 5. 虽然有人声称新技术给教学带来便利，但是仔细想想其实更多是教育者的偷懒，对学生本身没有太多便利。而教育主体是学生。5.同时考虑以上几点，总结全文。

文章语言和词汇感觉很好。就这么一篇文章如果交上去至少3分了。

Nowadays, schools are widely inclined to apply video, computers, and the Internet to their routine education, varying from paradigm video lessons to online homeworks, since they (maintain) the amelioration of educating techniques brought by those innovations. It is ubiquitous to see that a school with no facilities relevant with computer or TV-sets is criticized as out-fashioned.

However, while those technological inventions are being passionately acclaimed by （很多plenty） of enthusiastic educators as well as parents, I share the point of view with the statement that, application of innovations, though advantageous in some measure, may do more harm to the student's real learning. Since, students, most of whom are juveniles under 20 and often have a nature of curiosity, are apt to be obsessed by dazzling(眼花缭乱的) information as well as applications form the Internet and the computer, such as games, on-line shopping and（social network sites社交网站）, it is of considerable possibility that some of them develop Internet Addiction Disorder, which drag them far away from serious learning. As a result of Internet addiction, with which people can lose all track of time or neglect eating and sleeping, they are easily deprived of vigor and become feeble physically, thus their study efficiency is seriously undermined.

Futhermore, the widespread availability of sexual and violent content on-line as well as the lack of communication in the real world has given rise to a shockingly large number of Internet-related crimes among students. Exposed too early and too much to the (inappropriate换个说法) content, some juveniles, without supervision under adults, tend to imitate crimes such as rape, robbery, and stealing. Daniel Petric, a 17-year-old boy, killed his mon and shot his dad after being banned from playing a computer game call Halo 3. One may find tons of examples like the prior crime on Internet if he search for them.

At last, the employment of innovations can also lead to lack of certain abilities of students. With the involvement of computers, the calculating (capacity) along with (handwriting skills书法) of American students has declined continuously. What's more, the exceedingly use of Internet language among juveniles may do harm to their competence to write with formal language in their assignments. One would communicate freely with his one thousand friends in Facebook but get a C minus in his paper.

With all this evidence, it is save to say that consequential negative impact may rise from the application of innovations, such as videos, computers as well as Internet， unless strict supervision are beared. Since most students are under the age (with which) people are able to be master of their inquisitiveness and are on the way developing their ablities, they need to be protected from adverse factors that these innovations might bring.

使用道具举报

windieicloudie
UID：2938017

初级会员

Rank: 3 Rank: 3

声望: 25
寄托币: 231
注册时间: 2010-10-24
精华: 0
帖子: 17

7楼

发表于 2011-8-29 11:06:25 |只看该作者

不好意思，感看到，不知道来得及来不及。
改了再说。

Nowadays, schools are widely inclined to apply video, computers, and the Internet to their routine education, varying from paradigm video lessons to online homeworks, since they (maintain) the amelioration of educating techniques brought by those innovations. It is ubiquitous to see that a school with no facilities relevant with computer or TV-sets is criticized as out-fashioned.这一段按照中规中矩的方面来看应该是提出观点，这一段似乎只交代了背景，解释了一下although部分的。不知道LZ是不是限时写作文，如果是的话能保证30分钟写，这样写还是不错的。个人观点是这一段的最后能来一个观点。因为只害怕你的观点还没摆出来，相对用处不大的写了一堆，浪费你的叙述时间。

However, while those technological inventions are being passionately acclaimed by （很多plenty） of enthusiastic educators as well as parents, I share the point of view with the statement that, application of innovations, though advantageous in some measure, may do more harm to the student's real learning. Since, students, most of whom are juveniles under 20 and often have a nature of curiosity, are apt to be obsessed by dazzling(眼花缭乱的) information as well as applications form the Internet and the computer, such as computer games, on-line shopping and（social network sites社交网站）, it is of considerable possibility that some of them develop Internet Addiction Disorder, which drag them far away from serious learning. As a result of Internet addiction, with which people can lose all track of time or neglect eating and sleeping, they are easily deprived of vigor and become feeble physically, thus their study efficiency is seriously undermined.

Futhermore, the widespread availability of sexual and violent content on-line as well as the lack of communication in the real world has given rise to a shockingly large number of Internet-related crimes among students. Exposed too early and too much to the (inappropriate换个说法) content, some juveniles, without supervision under adults, tend to imitate crimes such as rape, robbery, and stealing. Daniel Petric, a 17-year-old boy, killed his mon and shot his dad after being banned from playing a computer game call Halo 3. One may find tons of examples like the prior crime on Internet if he search for them.

At last, the employment of innovations can also lead to lack of certain abilities of students. With the involvement of computers, the calculating (capacity) along with (handwriting skills书法) of American students has declined continuously. What's more, the exceedingly use of Internet language among juveniles may do harm to their competence to write with formal language in their assignments. One would communicate freely with his one thousand friends in Facebook but get a C minus in his paper.

With all this evidence, it is save to say that consequential negative impact may rise from the application of innovations, such as videos, computers as well as Internet， unless strict supervision are beared（胡须？）. Since most students are under the age (with which) people are able to be master of their inquisitiveness and are on the way developing their ablities（abilities）, they need to be protected from adverse factors that these innovations might bring.

总体感觉你这篇文章观点还是明确的，只是用词稍微的生硬了些。仅个人观点
不过话说回来。你这篇文章的亮点还是很多的，比如你的三段观点，都摆得很清楚，有些地方的叙述也很流畅。
加油，只要在最后几天好好看看题目想想提纲，考试的时候能在考场上写出这样，分数不会太低得。

求各位大哥大姐的帮助~~~~

使用道具举报