[a习作temp] 第一篇argument习作，求指教，拍砖。 [复制链接]

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发表于 2012-10-22 20:17:58 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

题目：

The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
"Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, we predict that our new jazz music club in Monroe will be a tremendously profitable enterprise."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.

第一次习作，时间：31分钟。写完后没有改动，求指出存在的各种问题：语法，句子结构，用词，论证，文章结构等。感激不尽！

正文：
It seems, at the first glance, convincing that a new jazz music club may be profitable in Monore. However, there are several questions needed to answer before the plan is implemented.

First, we need to ask, among the people attending the jazz festival, what percent of them are local residents. Although more than 100000 is a large number, if there are only 1000 are local, where there may be 200000 people, then it does not mean that the jazz is popular in Monore. In this case, the argument will be seriously weakened.

Second, we need to know why the 'Jazz Nightly' is the highest-rated radio program in the local area. The argument will be undermined if it is because other radio programs are of low quality. For example, the news program maybe usually radio the events occuring in the last day and does not give any analysis of the news, which usually help the listeners understand them better.

Third, we need to know the reason why several noted jazz musicians choose to live Monore. The author, apparently, assumes that they live there because jazz is popular and there are many fans there. However, this is not alway the case. Maybe Monore stays in a beautiful natural environment. The houses there are usually built on the mountain with many green trees and colored flowers. Maybe the musicians think the environment can bring them inspirations. In this case, it is the beautiful environment but not the jazz popularity that makes them to choose to live there.

Finally, we need to know whether the local jazz fans like to go to the jazz club and avarage the concumption of them. The author cite a national survey to illustrate the jazz fans usually much money on jazz entertainment. However, if the local jazz fans prefer to stay home to appreciate jazz music, the new jazz club will not be profitable. Even though they love to go to jazz club, if the local economic level is far low than the average national level, then the jazz club will still not be profitable.

REVIEWED BY BEN

题目：

The following was written as a part of an application for a small-business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"Jazz music is extremely popular in the city of Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's annual jazz festival last summer, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. 理由一
Also, a number of well-known jazz musicians own homes in Monroe. 理由二
Nevertheless, the nearest jazz club is over an hour away. 理由三
Given the popularity of jazz in Monroe and a recent nationwide study indicating that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment, 理由四

we predict that our new jazz music club in Monroe will be a tremendously profitable enterprise." 结论

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the prediction and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the prediction.

第一次习作，时间：31分钟。写完后没有改动，求指出存在的各种问题：语法，句子结构，用词，论证，文章结构等。感激不尽！

正文：
It seems, at the first glance, convincing that a new jazz music club may be profitable in Monore. However, there are several questions needed to answer before the plan is implemented. （立论直截了当，不多废话。重要的是下面的具体论证：指出原文line of reasoning中的存在问题并给出可能解释。）

First, we need to ask, among the people attending the jazz festival, what percent of them are local residents. Although more than 100000 is a large number, if there are only 1000 are local, where there may be 200000 people, then it does not mean that the jazz is popular in Monore. In this case, the argument will be seriously weakened. （指出是否有庞大固定消费人群）

Second, we need to know why the 'Jazz Nightly' is the highest-rated radio program in the local area. The argument will be undermined if it is because other radio programs are of low quality. For example, the news program maybe usually radio the events occuring in the last day and does not give any analysis of the news, which usually help the listeners understand them better. （这一段主题句表述得不清楚，解释和例子都没有深入展开，很空泛。参考OG上5分和6分的论述。）

Third, we need to know the reason why several noted jazz musicians choose to live Monore. The author, apparently, assumes that they live there because jazz is popular and there are many fans there. However, this is not alway the case. Maybe Monore stays in a beautiful natural environment. The houses there are usually built on the mountain with many green trees and colored flowers. Maybe the musicians think the environment can bring them inspirations. In this case, it is the beautiful environment but not the jazz popularity that makes them to choose to live there. （应把重点放在musicians能否带来经常性的音乐活动-->吸引fans--> 成为jazz club消费群体上。这样才能判断club是否能赚钱。本篇的焦点应放在评估种种因素是否能带来消费人群并赚钱！）

Finally, we need to know whether the local jazz fans like to go to the jazz club and avarage the concumption of them. The author cite a national survey to illustrate the jazz fans usually much money on jazz entertainment. However, if the local jazz fans prefer to stay home to appreciate jazz music, the new jazz club will not be profitable. Even though they love to go to jazz club, if the local economic level is far low than the average national level, then the jazz club will still not be profitable. （这段的point表述清楚，尽管首句有错别字。论述中的理由和例子展开还可以）

总评：由于中间两段流于空泛，是3分的水平。稍加改进，可以跃入4分行列。多吃透OG上的几篇例文及reader commentary。不断根据scoring guide来改进，必有提高。祝好！

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