[作文] 求大神批改 [复制链接]

maggie考7分
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2012-11-6 16:42:06 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

题目： In some countries where there is a high rate of unemployment, most pupils should be offered only primary education. There is no point in offering secondary education to those who have no hope of finding a job. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? (08.01.26)

With the economy recession, the rate of unemployment is soaring markedly. Therefore, legions of people bring a heated discussion about whether individuals who have no hope of hunting jobs should be provided secondary education or not. Some of them alleged that offering secondary education resources for these people will waste government funding, so government should utilize these part of money to enhance citizens’ lives standard. However, I disagree with it because secondary education is a vital stage. If it was interrupted, numbers of social headaches may create as juvenile delinquency. I will elaborate upon my opinion and outline two arguments to support my thesis.

Clearly, it is no doubt that secondary education is an indispensible stage for moral education. At school, teachers can help students to shape upright moral and ultimately grow a full man beneficial to the society, which can reduce the rate of crime. Moreover, secondary education does a favor to personal quality and boosts the quality of the labor force, thereby increase production efficiency and radically address the problem of unemployment. In a long term, provided that pupils receive better education, they may have far more opportunities to find better jobs. Hence, secondary education should be offered for everyone.

However, to a certain extent, if hopeless individuals cannot be offered secondary education, government can save a great deal of money to build and create a better city. Some people may argue that government financial resources should be made use of creating infrastructure to improve citizen’s live level, such as the transit system, the power grid, the pipelines, the public schools, the hospitals, etc. Even if it has to be conceded that this measure will bring real benefits for people, there is no getting around the fact that ignoring the secondary education will bring a high rate of crime which can hinder the sustained development of society. At that time, we would end up with living in an unsafe environment. Thus, everyone is supposed to study in secondary schools when they graduate from primary schools.

In a nutshell, according to the statements above, what I want to emphasize is that secondary education should be offered for everyone whether they are hopeful or hopeless to find jobs in the future.

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mofaye520
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沙发

发表于 2012-12-27 17:11:04 |只看该作者

哇。写的真不错！膜拜一个！
第二段开头的 it is no doubt貌似一般都是用 there is no doubt 吧。
还有第二段第四行中 thereby increase，后面应该是increasing吧。
第三段倒数第三行，end up with 这个with好像可以去掉不用噢。
其他我真看不出啥毛病，论点很清晰，句式变换很得当。我觉得7.5应该随便有吧。
再次崇拜一个。:$

王了个帅
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板凳

发表于 2013-1-4 16:48:38 |只看该作者

With the deterioration of economy recession, the unemployment rate is soaring and legions of people bring a heated discussion about whether individuals who have no hope of finding jobs should be provided secondary education or not. Some of them alleged that offering secondary education resources to these people will waste government funding, and government should utilize these money to enhance citizens’ living standard. However, I disagree with it as secondary education is a vital stage that if interrupted, numbers of social problems such as juvenile delinquency may ensue.

Clearly, it is no doubt that secondary stage is an indispensible part of education. At school, teachers can help students to cultivate a sense of morality and ultimately grow into a mature and beneficial man, which can reduce the rate of crime. Moreover, secondary education helps shape personality and boosts the quality of the labor force, thereby increasing production efficiency and radically addressing the problem of unemployment. In the long term, pupils receiving better education may have far more opportunities to find better jobs and repay their societies. Hence, secondary education should be offered to everyone.

However, some may argue that if individuals are not offered secondary education, government can save a great deal of money to build a better city. They claim that government financial resources should be allocated to infrastructure such as power grid, pipelines and public hospitals to improve citizen’s standard of living. Even if it has to be conceded that this measure will bring real benefits for people, there is no getting around the fact that ignoring the secondary education will bring a high rate of crime which can hinder the sustained development of society. (with all due respect, this sentence makes no sense and lack supporting, 忽視了上學就會導致犯罪率上升？就算是，進一步的佐證呢？)At that time, we would end up with living in an unsafe environment. Thus, everyone is supposed to study in secondary schools when they graduate from primary schools.
In conclusion, according to the statements above, what I want to emphasize is that secondary education should be offered for everyone whether they are hopeful or hopeless to find jobs in the future.(結尾段太簡單，模版略顯幼稚，結尾段很重要，你應付考官，考官必然應付回來。。。)