[作文] 把写的大作文发给淘宝的外教改的，但是是越简洁越好吗？ [复制链接]

weini3011
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2013-2-22 00:27:33 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

大家帮忙看看吧，外教把我的大作文很多结构部分全部删去了，留下的语句都是比较简洁准确的，但是作文标准里不是要强调语法结构的多样性吗，所以对老师的must be clean and concise 观点表示质疑，大家有什么看法呀，求大神们给小弱建议！

原文如下如下：
These days there is a a growing tendency for major cities to build up modern buildings .Some people hold the belief that we should not give up traditional styles while the others advocate that we shall catch up with the culture of the world and continue to build more buildings of modern styles .It can be understood that opinions vary from people to people due to background differences and it would be a little bit rush to simply justify which side is more sounding.

Most obviously ,it is a worldwide trend to build in modern styles .Normally ,modern buildings are stylish and with unique design .They are extremely beautiful and usually become the landmark of the city . Furthermore ,equipped with modern equipments like elevators and large pieces of glasses ,it is comfortable and convenient to work or live in modern buildings ,especially for the young generation who have to face huge pressure from their work or study .In addition ,buildings in modern styles can convey the beauty of contemporary culture ,which has been considerably influenced by modern world .People who stand in front of the tall and remarkable modern masterpiece of human technology would be greatly impressed because of the culture they express.

However ,some people believe that it is our responsibilities to keep the traditional building styles because ,in their opinion，traditional styles of buildings are just part of our traditional culture and history ,which will express the ways of living from our ancestors to our offspring .Besides ,a large amount of traditional buildings may contribute to the development of local economy by attracting people from outside the city to visit there because more and more cities have lost their traditional symbols.

In conclusion ,when all factors are considered ,we may safely draw to the conclusion that although traditional building styles enjoy some advantages ,comparatively speaking ,I would prefer to build more buildings in modern styles.

老师改的文章如下：
These days, major cities build a lot of modern structures. Some people hold the belief that traditional styles should not be given up while the others advocate that it is just right to catch up with the culture of the world and adapt modern styles in our buildings. Opinions vary from people to people due to background differences, and it would be a little bit of a rush to justify which side is more sound.

Obviously, building modern structures is a worldwide trend. Nowadays, buildings have stylish and unique designs. Extremely beautiful, they usually become landmarks of the city. Furthermore, with modern equipment like elevators and strong materials like large pieces of glass, buildings are safer, and more comfortable and convenient to work or live in. In addition, buildings in modern styles can convey the beauty of contemporary culture influenced by modern world. These tall and remarkable modern masterpieces of human technology are truly impressive.

However, some people believe that it is our responsibility to keep the traditional building styles because they are part of our traditional culture and heritage that express our identity. Besides, traditional buildings also contribute to the development of local tourism and economy by attracting people from other countries to visit and learn about our culture.

In conclusion, we may safely draw the conclusion that traditional building styles have advantages and should be preserved for their cultural value; however, comparatively speaking, I think that having more modern buildings is also beneficial to people to adapt to a fast changing world.

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lynsophie
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沙发

发表于 2013-2-23 22:32:49 |只看该作者

小女不才，在此作小小的分析：
作文标准强调语法结构的多样性是没错的。但多种句子结构是不是该建立在把表达清晰基础上呢？感觉lz的语言功底不错，各种句法，不容易啊。但有点像是为了句法结构多而忽略了基本的清晰表达，有点过犹不及。
最后一段集中体现：主干句--we may safely draw to the conclusion that *I would prefer to build more buildings in modern styles*. *号里的同位语从句（还是宾语从句？）和主句的逻辑不符，或者说表达的不是同一个意思。为了放多几个从句和插入语而使主句模糊或丢失了。
客观分析外教的，他把conclusion 的内容说明白了，然后分号断句，说明这是一句话；再however，把笔者不同的想法引出来。这样一来句子意思就明了很多。

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