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[习作点评] 小白第一次练issue 高频走一个望指点 [复制链接]

dylanckd
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电梯直达

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发表于 2013-6-20 03:19:33 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

第一次写issue，花了将近一个小时才写好，望大神给意见帮我一点点进步啊！多谢！
How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society

The extent to which children are socialized today indeed influences the society. However, there is no absolute connection between the socialization on children and the destiny of society. Moreover, the methods on how to raise children who can contribute more to the society cannot be totally denied for that this harmonious and prosperous society now results from the labour and wisdom of the last generations who were raised up in the similar way as this younger generation are. So, I can hardly support the statement mentioned by the author.
On the one hand, it is true that the socialization of children means a great deal to the whole society since the apart from systematic knowledge acquired in campus, social skills are also vital for those adults-to-be to survive in the society and further make a contribution. Children have to learn how to corporate with people working with. To achieve this aim, the awareness of corporation should be advocated during school so that children can have this awareness step by step. Socialization also demands making proper justification when necessary. Nowadays, people who benefit the society must know how to get along with others and most of those who do not know are isolated by the society cannot even make a satisfactory life to themselves, not to mention the contribution to the whole society. By looking back to former US presidents, it is easy to find that they all share one feature which is high emotional quotient. The high EQ combined with high IQ helps presidents make passionate speeches, deal with domestic or global issues and maintain the peace and harmony with leaders of other countries.
On the other hand, children cannot learn social skills only without absorbing knowledge. It is a common phenomenon that most thieves or frauds were able to get their parents’ spoiling love and get everything they want. This might lead them to think they can get whatever they like just by their tricks and fancy words. So, they refuse education and eventually turn out to be unemployed because of their lack of knowledge and skills, which under most circumstances consequentially push them to conduct crimes. Thus, with a critical perspective, only when children succeed in captivating certain social skills as well as the systematic knowledge can they make contribution to the society.
Moreover, it is undeniable that most parents know how to rise their children up while their approaches may differ. All parents want their children to be promising. They will try their best to send their children to best schools, teach them to set their own goals and chase for the goals or advise them to work part-time jobs to learn independence. Although there are few parents care little about their children and even lead them to aberrant ways like drugs or violence, we cannot say that all parents fail to rise their children up properly.
To sum up, how children are socialized really alters instead of determining the destiny of the society. And little evidence shows that we have not figured out how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. Contrarily, most parents know how to guide their children and make them useful people to the society, despite of the methods varying.

相关帖子 Updated by 2024.09.28

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Satiephilia
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沙发

发表于 2013-6-20 16:20:27 |只看该作者

有几个意见
首先，看了一下逻辑结构，好像你把这个题目分开证明了，第二段证明的是socializing skills很重要（对应题目第一句话），然后第三段证明的是知识同样很重要，最后又证明了父母可以养好孩子。这个逻辑有点问题，因为其一。题目没有说知识学习不重要，文章第三段就会显得多余；其二，第四段证明父母可以养好孩子，实际上题目是指父母“过于”爱护孩子以至于孩子们都不够socialized，这样才使社会不能发展，所以论点偏了。
其次，文章中例子很少，甚至没有很具体例子，只看到有提US President，如果想要证明“The high EQ combined with high IQ helps presidents make passionate speeches, deal with domestic or global issues and maintain the peace and harmony with leaders of other countries”，需要说有谁谁是这样子的，具体事例有啥
最后，还是有点chinglish的味道，第一段有一个长难句，实际上只是长句（从这里可以看出你肯定上了XDF并且听从了老师“多用长难句”的意见），而且太长了，for that实际上可以断开。如果运用句子不是很熟练，最好还是常规一点。
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dylanckd	+ 1	谢谢！

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