寄托家园留学论坛 › 论坛 › 寄托语言类备考版 › IELTS雅思考试讨论版 › 能不能求大神帮我改改作文，我基础很差

返回列表

查看: 1905|回复: 9

[作文] 能不能求大神帮我改改作文，我基础很差 [复制链接]

Crystaldove
UID：3468022

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 52
寄托币: 414
注册时间: 2013-8-31
精华: 0
帖子: 117

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2014-4-25 21:01:31 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

Writing task: As a result of countries becoming more and more industrialized, pollution has become a serious problem. Discuss some ways that can mitigate the pollution problem.

With the globalization and the development of industry, the construction of natural environment what we did is beyond what we expected. The quality of atmosphere is becoming worse and worse because of the pollution of carbon dioxide and methane. Global warming results the ice caps in the poles melt more quickly. In addition, soil erosion is another server problem what we must to resolve. Unlimited deforestation caused soil erosion and low forest coverage rate. More seriously, a series of damage behaviors result that some wildlife may lose its natural habitat. Some of them are on the verge mass extinction. In a word, the condition of natural environment is alarming.

From my perspective, I think each of us should try our best to contribute to environmental questions. Firstly, we should reduce making household rubbish from ourselves if we couldn’t request others. Then, we could use some chances and spare time to introduce the severity of environment pollution to families and friends. What’s more, we could do some more significant things from your heart.

Apart from individual’s contribution, the government should introduce relevant policies and law to environmental governance. Such as, giving people some punishments who do some things which are harmful to environment. And, giving folks some awards who give a big contribution to the natural protection. What’s more, schools should pay attention to environmental education in order the more and more students devote to environmental protection and governance.

As I state, it is important to focus on environmental pollution in case that it will further deteriorate. Only by doing this can we adopt a simpler life style and cherish our planet’s limited resources.

相关帖子 Updated by 2024.06.05

回应
0

使用道具举报

a13254
UID：3101662

中级会员

Rank: 4

声望: 308
寄托币: 2789
注册时间: 2012-11-7
精华: 1
帖子: 201

沙发

发表于 2014-4-25 22:22:50 |只看该作者

Hi 同学你好建议你加入雅思写作小组里面有很多很好的雅思考友互相帮助改作文

链接 http://group.gter.net/a-show-gid-28.html

已有 1 人评分	寄托币	声望	收起理由
yeyeshane	+ 20	+ 5	赞一个

总评分: 寄托币 + 20 声望 + 5 查看全部投币

使用道具举报

yeyeshane
UID：3153575

长老一袋

Rank: 8 Rank: 8

声望: 762
寄托币: 10135
注册时间: 2011-8-17
精华: 2
帖子: 2401

板凳

发表于 2014-4-25 22:55:57 |只看该作者

嗯，欢迎加入写作小组~ 有热心的烤鸭跟你互改作文，同时小a版主也会给你进行答疑的哈~

使用道具举报

nygiants
UID：3456317

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 62
寄托币: 118
注册时间: 2013-7-22
精华: 0
帖子: 8

地板

发表于 2014-4-25 23:40:59 |只看该作者

我帮你看看，肯定和考官水平没法比。
第1句就有点问题，With the globalization and the development of industry, the construction of natural environment what we did is beyond what we expected. Construct natural environment? 是想说disruption? 而且beyond what we expected 这里面有Positve的意思，比你预期的好。表达破坏超出人们想象，可以用更negative的词，比如underestimated 或者 limited knowledge/scope.
Carbon dioxide 本身也不是source of pollution. 可以换成industrial emissions and wastes. Must 后面不要加to. A series of 后面用单数。Result 用的很怪，可以换成lead to 或者 result in, as a result.
From my persective 后面不再重复 I think, redundant。each of us 后面用his / her 不要用our contribute on 固定搭配 from ourselves 换成ourselves 可以做adv.
introduce 用太多次了，可以换成advocate, encourage, spread the word out, explain the concept, increase the awareness. governance 换成regulation. Such as/ And 是连词，不能引导句子, 可以换成 For instance，之后and 直接小写连成长句或者换成while 加强对比. punishments/rewards 比较正常，不是award, in order to 固定搭配，to是介词,后面接ing。
it will further deteriorate, it 指代不清楚，最后最好总结有哪些ways, 你上面提到的多种树，垃圾recycle（比那个什么reduce垃圾要好), public awareness and school education, government policy...