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[经典批改讨论] Issue121 第一次发文章，请大家狠狠拍砖，谢谢 [复制链接]

chrissie_lucky
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电梯直达

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发表于 2004-4-7 16:50:37 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

121.At various times in the geological past, many species have become extinct as a result of natural, rather than human, processes. Thus, there is no justification for society to make extraordinary efforts, especially at a great cost in money and jobs, to save endangered species.
在过去不同的地质时期，许多的物种因为自然作用而非人类行为而灭绝。因此，人类社会为了挽救濒危物种而付出的巨大努力，尤其是以大量的资金和工作机会为代价，这样做是毫无道理的。

提纲:
1。对于非人类造成的不保护---违背自然选择，竞争原则
2。对于人类造成的保护-----责任，道德
3。也要结合国家实际

Is it justifiable for us to make extraordinary efforts, especially at a great cost in money and jobs, to save endangered species? In addressing this issue, one should first distinguish between the extinction as a result of natural process and that caused by human intervention, since these two distinctive categories call for completely different attitudes and solutions.

For the extinction caused by natural process, it may not be sagacious to protect the endangered species at the cost of economic resources and human efforts. After all, the current state of the universe is virtually a result of the biological evolution which has proceeded ever since the appearance of the most primitive creature, and which will also continue to carry out its duty of shaping the earth. In this complicated process, according to Darwin's theory of natural selection, stronger species survive while weaker ones do not. This accounts for the phenomena at various times in the geological past that many species have become endangered and then extinct utterly from the earth due to their biological ineptitude. Thus, what is the justification for our society to act against 'the natural selection' to save those species that will extinct merely for their own biological inaptness, which immensely hamper their existence and render them vulnerable and eventually disappear in the evolution of the universe as a whole?

In addition, human being's domination of the globe depends entirely on their critical competition with harsh environment and other creatures. Consequently, the protection of endangered species whose extinction is solely attributed to their own ineptitude amounts to the violation of our fundamental principle of competition in pursuit of survival. In fact, as one of the numerous creatures, we human beings are not exempt from the fierce competition in the scope of the universe among diverse species. That is to say, human beings are just as the fastest runner in the race of different species, in which stopping to help those who have already run out of energy and who are no longer capable of running means being left behind by other rivals and ultimately losing his advantages.

On the other hand, human being are entirely responsible for the extinction caused by their interventions. Therefore, our society should make extraordinary efforts and take effective measures to save the endangered species whose inhabitants are destroyed by the cutting of trees and water pollution and which greatly suffer from detrimental human activities and ultimately turn into victims of modernization. Moreover, whether we will endeavor to protect those species and compensate for our guilty is one of the most significant moral standards, which distinguish ourselves from other creatures on the earth. As a result, both our responsibility and moral concept make it indispensable for us to save the endangered species whose extinction is ascribed to human interventions.

Nevertheless, for those countries whose immediate social problems such as hunger and diseases pose a threat to their integrity and existence, the importance of protecting of endangered species surly pale compared with that of feeding or even rescuing their own populations. Therefore, it is quite reasonable for some poor African countries to solve their urgent social crises in the first place. Were those immediate problems not be paid attention to, the destruction of those miserable countries might happen before the extinction of endangered species there.

To sum up, in terms of the extinctions attributed to natural forces, it is unjustifiable for our society to make considerable efforts to prevent them. However, with regard to the extinction caused by human intervention, we should call for a balance in which both the protection of endangered species and the solving of urgent social problems are prudently considered.

第一次限时，不算构思就写了90分钟，郁闷ing

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chrissie_lucky
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沙发

发表于 2004-4-7 18:50:06 |只看该作者

为什么没人理呀？

自己顶一个

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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thorpe
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板凳

发表于 2004-4-7 19:58:20 |只看该作者

大致看了一下，语言我自己很差，对你也就提不出什么了。逻辑上提点个人意见。觉得第三段大致是想写人类的生存也是在与其它物种不断竞争的，为了保持优势，无谓去帮助那些被淘汰的物种。我觉得这和下面那一段就矛盾了，那些因为人类而灭绝的物种不也是在与人类竞争中失败的吗。
个人想法，不一定对。还有就是第一次看到没有例子的文章，不知道这样行不行。

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chrissie_lucky
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地板

发表于 2004-4-7 20:10:50 |只看该作者

第三段疏忽了，应该在加个限制，是指对非人为因素造成的物种灭绝，人类不必保护

例证我没想出，感觉真的写的话可能比较短，不知倒数第2段的African countries 算不算例证？

谢谢楼上的意见

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gdhdanny
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5楼

发表于 2004-4-8 00:02:20 |只看该作者

Is it justifiable for us to make extraordinary efforts, especially at a great cost in money and jobs（a great cost in jobs?）, to save endangered species? In addressing（in addressing?） this issue, one should first distinguish between the extinction as a result of natural process and that caused by human intervention, since these two distinctive categories call for completely different attitudes and solutions.
开头漂亮，可以当模版了。

For the extinction caused by natural process, it may not be sagacious to protect the endangered species at the cost of economic resources and human efforts. After all, the current state of the universe is virtually a result of the biological evolution which has proceeded ever since the appearance of the most primitive creature, and which will also continue to carry out its duty of shaping the earth（shaping the earth再想想吧，分析得很好）. In this complicated process, according to Darwin's theory of natural selection, stronger species survive while （the）weaker ones do not. This accounts for the phenomena at various times in the geological past that many species have become endangered and then extinct utterly from the earth due to their biological（physiological?） ineptitude. Thus, what is the justification for our society to act against 'the natural selection' to save those species that will extinct merely for their own biological inaptness, which immensely hamper their existence and render them vulnerable and eventually disappear in the evolution of the universe as a whole?（最后一句看得比较晕，结论的部分清晰的观点是第一要素，不如改写成简单句）
整段分析得相当不错，有理有据。

In addition, human being's domination of the globe（the dominant role on earth of human） depends entirely on their critical competition（competition with environment?） with harsh environment and other creatures.（这句的表述不是很清楚） Consequently, the protection of endangered species whose extinction is solely attributed to their own ineptitude amounts to the violation of our fundamental principle of competition in pursuit of survival（of the survival competition）. In fact, as one of the numerous creatures, we human beings are not exempt from the fierce competition in the scope of the universe among diverse species. That is to say, human beings are just as the fastest runner in the race of different species, in which stopping to help those who have already run out of energy and who are no longer capable of running means being left behind by other rivals and ultimately losing his advantages.（最后一句又没看懂）
这一段的作用没太领会，你可以介绍一下

On the other hand, human being（beings） are entirely responsible for the extinction caused by their interventions. Therefore, our society should make extraordinary efforts and take effective measures to save the endangered species whose inhabitants（habitation） are destroyed by the cutting of trees and water pollution（如果词的结构能够并列就更好了：the cutting of trees and pollution of water） and which（and which?）greatly suffer from detrimental human activities and ultimately turn into victims of modernization. Moreover, whether we will endeavor to protect those species and compensate for our guilty is one of the most significant moral standards, which distinguish ourselves from other creatures on the earth. As a result, both our responsibility and moral concept make it indispensable for us to save the endangered species whose extinction is ascribed to human interventions.
这段的结尾比较好。

Nevertheless, for those countries whose immediate social problems such as hunger and diseases pose a threat to their integrity and existence, the importance of protecting of endangered species surly（？） pale compared with that of feeding or even rescuing their own populations. Therefore, it is quite reasonable for some poor African countries to solve their urgent social crises in the first place. Were those immediate problems not be paid attention to, the destruction of those miserable countries might happen before the extinction of endangered species there.
写得好！

To sum up, in terms of the extinctions attributed to natural forces, it is unjustifiable for our society to make considerable efforts to prevent them. However, with regard to the extinction caused by human intervention, we should call for a balance in which both the protection of endangered species and the solving of urgent social problems are prudently considered.（结尾漂亮）

总的来说写得很好，结构完整，思路清晰，语言上没什么大问题。不过长句用得太多了，其实有的从句可以用分词短语替换一下。

看完整篇文章，觉得最出色的是开头和结尾，意思表述得非常清晰，即使中间部分在概括些一样不影响文章效果。中间in addition那段不太明白有什么作用，其他得很好。

加油吧。你也可以多帮别人改改作文，提高会很快的。

There is nothing lost

That may be found

If sought

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chrissie_lucky
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6楼

发表于 2004-4-8 07:06:56 |只看该作者

danny批得真认真，多谢！

备受鼓舞ing

我会加油的 :)

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needle
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7楼

发表于 2004-4-10 02:30:52 |只看该作者

Issue121，第一次发文章，请大家狠狠拍砖，谢谢
121.At various times in the geological past, many species have become extinct as a result of natural, rather than human, processes. Thus, there is no justification for society to make extraordinary efforts, especially at a great cost in money and jobs, to save endangered species.
在过去不同的地质时期，许多的物种因为自然作用而非人类行为而灭绝。因此，人类社会为了挽救濒危物种而付出的巨大努力，尤其是以大量的资金和工作机会为代价，这样做是毫无道理的。

提纲:
1。对于非人类造成的不保护---违背自然选择，竞争原则
2。对于人类造成的保护-----责任，道德
3。也要结合国家实际

Is it justifiable for us to make extraordinary efforts, especially at a great cost in money and jobs, to save endangered species? In addressing this issue, one should first distinguish between the extinction as a result of natural process and that caused by human intervention, since these two distinctive categories call for completely different attitudes and solutions.开头写得很好。不过感觉第二句用distinguish A from B的句法会更简洁一些

For the extinction caused by natural process extinction还没有发生，动物仅仅是endanger，是不是应该前面加上risk of…之类的限定, it may not be sagacious to protect the endangered species at the cost of economic resources and human efforts. After all, the current state of the universe is virtually a result of the biological evolution which has proceeded ever since the appearance of the most primitive creature, and which will also continue to carry out its duty of shaping the earth 这个短语更多的注重于对地球表面形状的塑造，可能有点不合适. In this complicated process, according to Darwin's theory of natural selection, stronger species survive while weaker ones do not. This accounts for the phenomena at various times in the geological past that many species have become endangered and then extinct utterly from the earth due to their biological ineptitude 这一句的时态我有疑义。是否过去时态更好一些. Thus, what is the justification for our society to act against 'the natural selection' to save those species that will extinct merely for their own biological inaptness, which immensely hampers their existence and renders them vulnerable and eventually disappeareventual disappearance. render这个词用的真好，不过应该是不能用render sth. do的，应该是render sth. adj./n. in the evolution of the universe as a whole?.

In addition, human being's domination of the globe depends entirely on their critical competition with harsh environment and other creatures. Consequently, the protection of endangered species whose extinction is solely attributed to their own ineptitude amounts to 让我学了这个词，“等于” the violation of our fundamental principle of competition in pursuit of survival. In fact, as one of the numerous creatures, we human beings are not exempt from the fierce competition in the scope of the universe among diverse species. That is to say, human beings are just as like the fastest runner in the race of different species, in which stopping to help those who have already run out of energy and who are no longer capable of running 这两个从句好像有点重复了这里最好加逗号断句 means being left behind by other rivals and ultimately losing his advantages.前面说得很好，但是最后一句的结论有点太绝对了。对于running race这个例子来说，这个结论是没有问题的。但是，把它扩大到保护濒危物种，就显得没有根据。因为没有论证道因为自身缺陷要被淘汰的动物被人类保护之后会对人类的domination造成危害。

On the other hand, human beings are entirely responsible for the extinction caused by their interventions. Therefore, our society should make extraordinary efforts and take effective measures to save the endangered species whose inhabitants are destroyed by the cutting of trees deforestation and water pollution and which greatly suffer from detrimental human activities and ultimately turn into victims of modernizationwhose和which从句并列，但是中间间隔太长，容易混淆。这一句拆成两个句子分别说明其受害情况暨需要受保护的原因可能更清晰更有力. Moreover两层的关系，最好不要用moreover, whether we will endeavor to protect those species and compensate for our guilty is one of the most significant moral standards, which distinguish ourselves from other creatures on the earth. As a result, both our responsibility and moral concept sense? make it indispensable for us to save the endangered species whose extinction is ascribed to human interventions.从责任和赎罪两方面来讲必须保护。个人意见，赎罪不是最贴切的理由。因为这个理由非常大，可以推广开去而不是专为保护濒危动物的，所以感觉牵强。Morality本身是主观的东西，那么immoral的人们是不是就可以不保护濒危动物了？人们是可以选择自己moral/immoral的立场的。而对于濒危动物的保护，更应该是一个环境的客观需要，人们更多的应该是接受一种必须。我想如果不谈濒危动物灭绝对地球环境以及人类社会的影响，是这一段的缺陷。

Nevertheless, for those countries whose immediate social problems such as hunger and diseases pose a threat to their integrity 前面的两个起因跟完整没有关系 and existence, the importance of protecting protection? of endangered species surly pales when (it is)/beingcompared with that of feeding or even rescuing their own populations. Therefore, it is quite reasonable for some poor African countries to solve their urgent social crises in the first place. Were those immediate problems not be paid attention to, the destruction of those miserable countries might happen before the extinction of endangered species there.这一段虽然说的有道理，但是和全文TS（对人类责任和自然选择区别对待）毫不沾边。应该修正TS句，加以限定

To sum up, in terms of the extinctions不可数 attributed to natural forces, it is unjustifiable for our society to make considerable efforts to prevent protect them. However, with regard to the extinction caused by human intervention, we should call for a balance in which both the protection of endangered species and the solving of urgent social problems are prudently considered.

第一次限时，不算构思就写了90分钟，郁闷ing
文章写得非常漂亮！用词很灵活也很书面。句子的组织也很好！要向你学习！能多贴几篇上来么？结构和行文中的一些问题见文中批注。所说不对的地方请指教。

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