[习作点评] kryang习作集合贴 [复制链接]

kryang
UID: 3592121

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 50
寄托币: 133
注册时间: 2015-1-29
精华: 0
帖子: 28

电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2015-6-6 10:57:01 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

授权声明：
本人（kryang）为寄托ID3592121的持有人，现通过本论坛参与tesolchina的GRE写作研究，在这里授权tesolchina和hj1313的ID持有人使用本人的所有习作及互改记录

本人基本信息：
英语背景：托福作文24分；
考试记录：暂未考，一战：2015年6月12日
6月4日开始进入小组写作
************************************************************************************

把习作的题号逐个编辑在下面，方便查阅：
2楼 Argument 1 1稿，未点评
3楼 Issue 62 1稿，未点评
4楼 Argument 14 1搞，未点评

GRE写作, argument, issue

相关帖子 Updated by 2025.01.18

回应
0

使用道具举报

kryang
UID: 3592121

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 50
寄托币: 133
注册时间: 2015-1-29
精华: 0
帖子: 28

沙发

发表于 2015-6-6 10:59:06 |只看该作者

本帖最后由 kryang 于 2015-6-6 11:15 编辑

Argument 1
Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a 'Palean' basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

*****************************************************
According to the passage, the author intends to prove that Palean baskets were not owned solely by Palean people. In the reading material, the author states several points that may be reasonable, yet these evidences are not tenable enough to support the opinion and we need to reconsider the issue from more rational perspectives.
First, the author puts it in the passage that it is Palean people who made the baskets, the ones obtaining special features by weaving, because the only sites where people find the baskets are located around Palea. However, the reasoning is weak since other explanations can refute the idea. For example, the fact that archeologist have not found the baskets outside of Palea, cannot indicate that there is no possibility to excavate a basket at other places. People may have not found the existence of the baskets because the baskets can be eroded or broken into pieces or ruins that no archeologists can recognize. Therefore, we are not sure whether the baskets exist in other region, it is unconvincing to say that the only place we can find a woven basket is only in Palea, nor the statement that the baskets are made by Paleans. Unless we find evidences powerful enough, such as historical records, which particularize the origin of the woven basket, we just do not get closer to the fact.
Also, the passage states that the river is so deep that the Palean forebears cannot have approaches to reach to another side, thus, the geographical obstacles would limit the spread of the woven basket. But the statement is based on the assumption that the river is not only deep at present but at ancient times when the Paleans engages the relevant activities of woven baskets. This assumption is of much doubt because the depth of the river in ancient times is what we cannot assess precisely, and if the river was once shallow enough to allow Paleans go across it, it may be probable for them to bring the woven baskets to other places like Lithos, which as a consequence, escalates the spread of the baskets. Given by these possibilities, it is arbitrary to say that the ancient Paleans cannot go across the river. To make the statement more convincing, the author needs to illustrate the history of the transformations of the river to determine if Paleans once had gone across it.
Last but not least, the writer maintains that a new basket found in Lithos belies the origin of the basket which once considered being Paleans. But there can be other theories which may work in this situation. For instance, Palea may be isolated by the river, but merchants who take the woven basket to other places may be factor that precipitates the spreading process of the basket. A Palean merchant may transport the woven baskets by horses to travel to another town, selling some of the baskets to another salesman. And luckily the salesman came to Lithos and sold one to a local, which preserves as the newest discoveries of woven baskets. Under this circumstance, the evidence of the new finding is invalid to support the argument. A good method to prove the argument is to compare the age of the basket in Palea with that of the one in Lithos.
The author does consider of some facts involving in this issue, while the unstable reasoning as well as suspecting arguments make his/her logic imperfect to reveal the true aspect of the woven basket, which, I suggest, may need to be studied further.
第一次好好写，但感觉太啰嗦了，594字（当然不是计时写的）。。
仔细回顾了一下，我的问题是句子写得太长了。。

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

使用道具举报

kryang
UID: 3592121

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 50
寄托币: 133
注册时间: 2015-1-29
精华: 0
帖子: 28

板凳

发表于 2015-6-6 11:04:26 |只看该作者

Issue62
Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.
*************************************************

Leaders are common on every profession in modern society, and they may have some unique characteristics that satisfy the demands which are given by the duty or the position itself. Thus, these demands for people in power may be some skills, such as communication skill and relevant training.
A good leadership would bring colleagues to harmony, the success built by communication skill. People can find themselves working closer if their leaders often talk with them about work issues. Workers may propose some clever advices to the company, and such a leader can detect the good advices and put them into reality, which strengthens the working atmosphere, and so, the leader is successful. For example, a warm-hearted leader gets to know workers’ discontent feelings that the company offers an inappropriate time table, and she/he reports to a superior to adjust the working time, and probably the adjustment can be true.
In addition, to match the demands in some specific fields, a leader is likely to have relevant training. A chemical plant is such a field. Leaders should know the safety rules as well as security protection trainings. The mastery of the knowledge can prevent tragedy from happening. A case in point is that a good leader knows the position and numbers of fire extinguisher, which are ignored by many owners of a factory or workers. To get access to the extinguishers, workers have more chances to stop a fire, which is the contribution and the demands of a leader.
From the discussion above, we can find the demands of leaders are essential for his/her professions. And I believe that qualified leadership should meet the needs of many aspects. A good football coach should be one with knowledge of attack techniques, defense tactics, and he/she even needs to know the right action of goalkeepers. On the contrary, if leaders does not meet the needs, they may not be suitable for the position, even be fired. Compared with former examples, bad leaders with poor communication skills may bring the subordinates into disorder. Lacking talks, workers’ complaints toward working problems cannot be noticed until they resigned and joined to other firms. Also, leaders with little background can hardly do things well. A leader with the education of history can hardly be a good one in a chemical factory. Obviously, the leader does not know the operations of a reaction, which affects the management.
In a word, I argue that leaders should be capable of well-developed talks and relevant training or experience, but more importantly, leaders should be one who satisfy and exceed the basic demands of leaderships, or she/he would face an unfortunate fate without the capabilities.
抄了王老师的观点https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... amp;fromuid=3592121，在自己的例子上扩展，作为开始的练习。

使用道具举报

kryang
UID: 3592121

寄托新兵

Rank: 2

声望: 50
寄托币: 133
注册时间: 2015-1-29
精华: 0
帖子: 28

地板

发表于 2015-6-6 11:06:54 |只看该作者

Argument 14
14) The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.
A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.
************************************

According to the article, the author intends to claim that it is only employees with sleep time less than 6 hours per day who should be enrolled by employers because they can help the companies earn more money and bring greater profits. However, the proof to support the argument, which is based mainly on the study, is unconvincing for it contains many presumptions, and on the contrary, weakens the credibility of the article.
Just as it puts in the passage, a study involving 300 men and women was surveyed to measure the sleep time of them. The doubt is, however, is the study reliable? It may sounds plausible to assess the sleeping time of a three hundred number, but we do not know the components, factors that may affect the result of the study, of the 300 subjects. For example, if the 300 participants consist of 299 men and 1 woman, we can hardly believe the validity of the survey since the sleep time of the men may differ from that of women to a large extent. Then the result would be false to represent the whole population of advertising industry and so, incorrect to infer conclusions based on the study. Therefore, to convince the readers, the article writer would particularize the process of the study.
Another flaw in the article is that the respondents of the study reported their sleep time. So there comes an uncertainty. Do the subjects report exactly sleeping time? The reporters may not have the knowledge to define the states of being awake as well as asleep, and then different people may define the two states with differential understanding, which may cause the data of the sleep time containing subjective thinking. Obviously, the data is of highly doubt. Consequently, only if the writer uses authentic, objective test method of sleep time can we get a dispassionate study toward the relationship between the sleep time and the work efficiency.
Also, the writer expresses his/her thought that employers should only hire those who sleep less than 6 hours based on the study of advertising personnel. This statement is arbitrary because the author applies the result of study of advertising workers into evaluating people who may engage in different jobs and positions. Take a teacher as an example. A teacher does not need to sleep less than an advertising clerk since what she/he needs to do is only teaching students, a process involves no similar work compared with the advertising clerks, and obviously, neither teaching skill nor satisfaction of students could be achieved via sleeping less than 6 hours. Thus, in order to strengthen the point of the writer, she/he may need to analyze the result of the same study testing people with different professions, respectively.
Maybe the author has some explanations for the reasoning, but as the assumptions listed above, the writer overlooks them for deliberate or inattentive reasons, which brings the proposal, owners of firms only hire people of sleeping less than six hours, to an untenable as well as suspecting statement, and it should be reconsidered by the author.
514字，argument还是写得太多了，没有计时，（可能写了超一个小时）。。希望能简练一些。。

使用道具举报