[习作点评] 朋友们看过来~Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them [复制链接]

hylshelley
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2015-9-27 10:43:10 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

:dizzy:一战4分被professor鄙视”Please get a more decent score“，所以求！炮！轰！(这是)

62) Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

While I acknowledge that demands of individual member may determine who will be the leader and how he or she behaves in the position, it is as crucial for competent leaders to possess other qualities that allow them to look into the future and see a more panoramic picture.

-What the author means by “leaders are created by demands”, from my perspectives, is that in a democratic society, the most common way to generate a leader is through voting.
-Buried under the statement is the assumption that voters in general give their ballot ticket to the person who satisfy their immediate needs and take care of their overall well-being.
-Indeed, it is by achieving what the majority of people request that the leader attain the support he or she needs to vitalize the enterprise and accelerate progress.
-Henry Ford, an inventor as well as pioneer of “Welfare Capitalism”, grasped workers’ exigent need for high incomes and dignity derided from their vocation, offering above-the-average wages along with reduction in turnover. With workers’ mettle boosted, both productivity and his reputation ameliorate, illustrating the effectiveness of strategy of conforming to what people want.

-Nevertheless, this is not enough to explain what electorate expect from their leader. In fact, voters are looking for someone who will guide them, who stand at a higher outlook and who scratch a panorama that is not accessible by mediocre eyes.
-A qualified chief executive officer, for instance, win applause from his employee, shareholders and even the large consumer groups not by mirroring what he or she asked to do, but rather by taking adventure and pinpointing wisely future profit sources.
-When founding FedEx, Frederick W. Smith was not encompassed by a world with urgent demand for fast and safe delivery of goods as today. The bold business prediction he made was from extraordinary interpretation of information from the military's logistics system, materials that were not extremely uncommon but seldom noticed by contemporary business elites. Such insights gave birth to a leading overnight express delivery company, and the company itself account partly for rocketing delivery demands today.

-Unlike business leaders, policy makers may be acclaimed not only for the capability of extrapolation, but more importantly, for being able to identify the contemporary interests of varied groups and to reconcile the conflict between them.
-It is not impressive for a conductor to distinguish the voice of soprano. Only by inclusively and concurrently attending all voice groups can the conductor form in mind a comprehensive image of the concerto and give breath-taking harmonious performance.
-The situation faced by an ambitious social policy maker is quite similar.
-To know what the major social class-usually middle-income class-is seeking can probably maximize the beneficiaries of a policy package, but to figure out and conciliate quests from the elites as well as pariahs of the society is also vital to ensure the common good and stability of the community in the long run.

It is true that those who listen to others’ voice and who are attentive to others’ demand tend to make more accomplishments. Yet what distinguish leaders from ordinary social members are their providence as well as ability to accommodation diverse needs. These qualities allow them to go further, to be ahead of the troops and to protect apparatus of the society from breaking down.

（该习作已经过修改，非限时写作版本）

supporting, position, created, discuss, placed

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bit_liang
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沙发

发表于 2015-10-1 19:51:03 |只看该作者

楼主4分大神的习作把众多小伙伴都吓得不敢点评了，好几天没有人发点评贴了，我斗胆一试吧。
楼主的语言功底确实很好，句式上复杂多变，用词准确，具体的句式上就不做点评了。单就结构上按照老师的思路（我假装是按照吧）提出一点拙见吧：
个人觉得楼主的习作并没有按照老师的1+3模型进行构思，至少没有严格按照分类讨论的思路。第一个ts中并没有出现可以和下面business和politic并列的项，这也是我的一点疑惑，是不是所有的题目都要按照分类讨论的方式解构。
另外，楼主的首末段与中间段的对应很好，很有层次感。第一段开门见山的方式值得学习。

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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岳然
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板凳

发表于 2015-10-5 23:05:14 |只看该作者

你采用了一个很好的策略：重新阐释了题目，限定了讨论的范围。但我觉得在语言表达上可以给自己留下更多余地，比如说 The statement might refer to the situation where... 这样后面的转折和分类讨论引出得就比较自然。

同样，某些观点在表达的时候也应该尽量避免太绝对的语气，比如"In fact, voters are looking for ..."，因为你一旦作出了这种绝对的claim，是很难去证实的。我可以很简单的反驳说，其实voter只在乎候选人的政治主张是否对自己有益，至于什么guidance啊panoramic view啊，人家其实完全不care

其实我觉得你最后一个论点可以适当和题目呼应一下：因为demands在现实中多种多样，想要成为一个好的policy maker，就要权衡各方利益，由此可见，leaders are not created by the demands but rather the tradeoff among them.

最后说说语言，其实LZ现在需要做的更多的是减法……

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