[i习作temp] issue57 bricks come!!!：） [复制链接]

bcomer
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电梯直达

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发表于 2005-3-27 15:33:47 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

No.1 Issue 53 从想到结尾刚好44min59s 互动修改：）
53"College and university education should be free for all students, fully financed by the government."

_____________________________________________________________
In this era of rapid social and technological change leading to a fierce competition in the educational field, more and more people focus their attentions on the fact that a lot of adolescents although study very well still can not go to the colleges or universities for the further education since they can not afford the marvelous tuition. Therefore, some sociologists suggest that the education in colleges and universities should be free for all students fully financed by the government. The statement looks very reasonable for/at the first thought, but I could not agree with it after more considerations.

Admittedly, the colleges and universities are the places where people can get knowledge, and the more knowledge people have, the more developed the country will be in future. This method surely has many benefits, but it is not to say that I support the plan mentioned in the statement, since I think the execution of this plan would be very hard, and at that time many potential problems which have not been noticed by us would surely be exposed to the society.

As is known to all, the government's finance mostly comes from the revenue. In my country, there are hundreds of thousands people who go to the college or university each year, and the average cost of one person per year is about 5600 RMB without taking the fee of apartment into account. If the plan had been executed, the number of the people attending the college or university would increase, and the revenue had to increase obviously. However, can this reality be accepted by lots of people who do not want to go to the colleges? The complaining free press will be never disappeared for a long time, and a cost which is self-decided will be forcibly distributed to all the people all over the country. Some of people, who are poor without students, will have more difficulties to live. Does the fact just we want to see?

In addition, the colleges and universities are medium that only provide a good environment for the students to study. That is not to say people can not get knowledge without them. Take Bill Gates for example. He had the chance to study in one of the best universities in the US. Although giving up the chance, he still gets much knowledge by himself from the books, friends, society, and so forth. In other words, what people need, no matter in colleges or in the society, is the desire to get the knowledge rather than the environment where it is easy for us to study. If you have this right and healthy attitude, you can study anytime anywhere regardless of the environment. Just as the Confucius said one thousand years ago, there must be a person in three who can be my teacher. The field of knowledge is very broad, and any new things we had known, may help us a lot in the future, regardless the knowledge where you study.

Hence, I do not agree with the speaker’s statement for the reason that although the chance to study in the college or university is very helpful, we can still get much knowledge in other circumstance if you have the right attitude about studying, and it is too hard for the execution with the consideration of the cost.

请大家为我打分或排砖，谢谢谢谢谢谢:)

会在48小时内反排:)

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cythia1
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沙发

发表于 2005-3-27 20:14:21 |只看该作者

In this era of rapid social and technological change leading to a fierce competition in the educational field, more and more people focus their attentions on the fact that a lot of adolescents although study very well still can not go to the colleges or universities for the further education since they can not afford the marvelous tuition. (??看得有些昏，教育界的竞争和后面的不能负担学费有关系吗)Therefore, some sociologists suggest that the education in colleges and universities should be free for all students fully financed by the government. The statement looks very reasonable for/at the first thought, but I could not agree（用disagree好一些吧）with it after more considerations.

Admittedly, the colleges and universities are the places where people can get knowledge, and the more knowledge people have, the more developed the country will be in future.This method surely has many benefits, but it is not to say that I support the plan mentioned in the statement, since I think the execution of this plan would be very hard, and at that time many potential problems which have not been noticed by us would surely be exposed to the society.
（感觉读下来没有说出什么实质的东西，不如不要）

As is known to all, the government's finance mostly comes from the revenue. In my country, there are hundreds of thousands people who go to the college or university each year, and the average cost of one person per year is about 5600 RMB without taking the fee of apartment into account. If the plan had been executed, the number of the people attending the college or university would increase, and the revenue had to increase obviously. However, can this reality be accepted by lots of people who do not want to go to the colleges? The complaining free press will be never disappeared for a long time, and a cost which is self-decided will be forcibly distributed to all the people all over the country. Some of people, who are poor without students, will have more difficulties to live. Does the fact just we want to see?(整个段落没有TS)

In addition, the colleges and universities are medium that only provide a good environment for the students to study. That is not to say people can not get knowledge without them. Take Bill Gates for example. He had the chance to study in one of the best universities in the US. Although giving up the chance,（although是连词，因该连接两个巨子） he still gets much knowledge by himself from the books, friends, society, and so forth. In other words, what people need, no matter in colleges or in the society, is the desire to get the knowledge rather than the environment where it is easy for us to study. If you have this right and healthy attitude, you can study anytime anywhere regardless of the environment. Just as the Confucius said one(a) thousand years ago, there must be a person in three who can be my teacher. The field of knowledge is very broad, and any new things we had known, may help us a lot in the future, regardless the knowledge where you study.（说明学习不一定要在学校里，可是跟政府是否要支付全部费用有什么联系呢？应该加上几句话点明和主题的联系。）

Hence, I do not agree with the speaker’s statement for the reason that although the chance to study in the college or university is very helpful, we can still get much knowledge in other circumstance if you have the right attitude about studying, and it is too hard for the execution with the consideration of the cost.

先说一句，我也是菜鸟，以下意见仅供参考。
总体感觉论证说服力差了一些。并且建议每一段都加上主题句，并且围绕主题展开。而且不要为了写长句而写，感觉反而读起来怪怪的。
不过能在45分钟之内写完就不错，我还不行呢。加油！

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bcomer
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板凳

发表于 2005-3-27 21:29:03 |只看该作者

谢谢,
很有道理,这就去改正,

^^互动评改才对,你的文章呢???

:) searching*******now:)

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寻梦
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地板

发表于 2005-3-27 22:08:55 |只看该作者

53"College and university education should be free for all students, fully financed by the government."

_____________________________________________________________
In this era of rapid social and technological change leading to a fierce competition in the educational field, more and more people focus their attentions on the fact that a lot of adolescents although study very well can still not go to the colleges or universities for the further education since they can not pay for the marvelous tuition.[巨长！！！我切！！] Therefore, some socialists suggest that the education in colleges and universities should be free for all students fully financed by the government. The statement looks very reasonable for the first thought, but I could not agree with it after more considerations.

Admittedly, the colleges and universities are the places where people can get knowledge, and the more knowledge people have, the more developed the country will be in future. This method surely have[has] many benefits, but this[it] is not to say[我倾向于用it is not representative of] that I support the plan, because I think the execution of this plan would be very hard, and at that time[加逗号或把这个at that time置后] many problems which have not been noticed by us would surely be exposed to the society.[这段作者还要好好构思，如果你想在这个论题的正面做一点文章的话，若像现在这样的，感觉一句话就能说完了]

As is known to all, the government's finance mostly comes from the tax. In our country, there were hundreds of thousands people who go to the college or university each year, and the average cost of one person per year is about 5600 RMB without the fee of apartment taken into account. If the plan had been executed, the number of the people attended the college or university would increase, and the revenue had to increase obviously. However, can this reality be accepted by lots of people who do not want to go to the colleges? The complaining free press will be never disappeared for a long time, and a cost which is self-decided will be forcibly distributed to all the people all over the country. Some of people, who are poverty without students, will have more difficulties to live. Does the fact just we want to see?[作者的例证完全建立在了自己的假设的基础上，尤其是最后两句，感觉不太好，没有分量]

In addition, the colleges and universities are only providing a good environment for the students to study. That is not to say people can not get knowledge without them. Take Bill Gates for example. He had the chance to study in one of the best universities in the US. Although giving up the chance, he still gets much knowledge by himself from the books, friends, society, and so forth. I want to tell the people both who are in the colleges or universities and who are in the society now, that what we need more is not the environment where it is easy for us to study, but the desire to get the knowledge. If you have this right and healthy attitude, you can study anytime at anywhere regardless the environment. Just as the Confucius said thousand years ago, there must be a person in three who can be my teacher. The field of knowledge is very broad, and any new things we had known, may help us a lot in the future, regardless the knowledge where you study.[这段的感觉不太切题，说不上来，除了这个论点。依作者的第一个论据，还可以从政府的角度来论证不可实施性]

Hence, I do not agree with the speaker’s statement for the reason that although the chance to study in the college or university is very helpful, we can still get much knowledge in other circumstance if you have the right attitude about studying, and it is too hard for the execution with the consideration of the cost.

黑暗的时刻，我抓住它，我知道顽强的人可以撕碎它的伪装，黎明的时候天总是分外的蓝。

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