[经典批改讨论] issue33 请拍 [复制链接]

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电梯直达

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发表于 2007-1-18 00:44:31 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

33"Creating an appealing image has become more important in contemporary society than is the reality or truth behind that image."
在当今社会，引人的表面现象比现象背后的本质重要得多

提纲：
1、出色的外表可以取得好感，建立良好的印象。
2、内在的本质才是发挥作用的关键
3、缺少任何一样都不会发挥最好的效果

Our contemporary society has been becoming multicolored. Beautiful color, varies shape, and wonderful texture always make us puzzled about our judgment. These appealing images seem attractive to us when we make our decision. But if we only pay attention to the image, we possibly can not make our choice wisely. The image and the reality behind the image are same important things for a product or a person in our world.

An outstanding image can give people a deep impression, especially at the first time. We may focus on the fine cake in a restaurant neglecting a plaint one. We always look back on the street when a beautiful girl just passed by us but do not remember the common people we even crushed in. This first impression is so important that a lot of pharmacy factories spend large money on the image of their product in order to gain more people's eyes. For most of us, we possibly chose the painkiller pills with a fine image thinking that it plays better function than a simple one. And this is why the interviewers pay much attention to the image of themselves. The employers may think that a person in a suit cares about the job better or more trustable than the one in a sports wear. In order to attract more people, the creating an appealing image looks important in our current society.

However, paying too much attention on the image may cause negative influence that we do not care about the reality or truth behind the image. Image and reality are same important that they can not perform separately. All of us will not like the attractive cake with a bad taste. Because the taste is the reality of the cake do not meet us. We may remember not to buy a well packed pharmacy product of which the function is weak. The reality of the product can not heal us. A person with nice image may never succeed if he has no ability at all. The reality of the person can not survive in the competition and challenge of the society. Therefore, reality and truth behind a image influent the function of a product or a person largely.

Without the appealing image, one may be ignored by people. It will take more effort to make he appealing to others or even the day will not come. In the same time, without good reality or truth behind the image, one can not make further progress. When he account a difficult thing, he may do not have the ability to solve it, or he do not have the prediction to make any contribute to the innovation.

The contemporary society calls the person and the product to have both the image and the reality or truth. The two aspects are both important and needed in order to survive in our world. Without any of the two aspects, the function can be weakened.

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沙发

发表于 2007-1-19 22:47:26 |只看该作者

Our contemporary society has been becoming multicolored. Beautiful color, varies shape, and wonderful texture always make us puzzled about our judgment. These appealing images seem attractive to us when we make our decision. But if we only pay attention to the image, we possibly can not make our choice wisely. Make a wise choice前面那个看上去罗嗦The image and the reality behind the image are same important things for a product or a person in our world. Both the image and the reality are important in our world.

An outstanding image can give people a deep impression, especially at the first time. We may focus on the fine cake in a restaurant neglecting a plaint what do you want to say by “plaint” one. We prefer fine cake to a course one in the restaurant. We always look back on the street when a beautiful girl just passed by us but do remember the common people we even crushed in. 这个例子不好。This first impression is so important that a lot of pharmacy factories spend large money on the image of their product in order to gain catch more people's the consumers’ eyes. For most of us, we possibly chose the painkiller pills with a fine image thinking that it plays better function than a simple one. And this is why the interviewers pay much attention to the image of themselves. The employers may think that a person in a suit cares about the job better or more trustable than the one in a sports wear. In order to attract more people, the creating an appealing image looks important in our current society.
词语的选择运用问题比较明显，论述不是很compelling，有些东碰西碰的感觉，建议缕顺这几个论据之间的逻辑关系，试试能不能逐层深入论述

However, paying too much attention on the image may cause negative influence that we do not care about the reality or truth behind the image. Image and reality are same important that they can not perform separately. All of us will not like the attractive cake with a bad taste. Because the taste is the reality of the cake do not meet us. 这句话问题太明显了，漏了什么东西？We may remember not to buy a well packed pharmacy product of which the function is weak. The reality of the product can not heal us. A person with nice image may never succeed if he has no ability at all. The reality of the person can not survive in the competition and challenge of the society. Therefore, reality and truth behind a image没有必要写behind the image，完全是重复罗嗦 influent the function of a product or a person largely.
lz的论证看起来都比较苍白，论据的选择太过于浅显，对文字的驾驭显得有些吃力，需要扎扎实实的积累资料，背句子，培养语感。开阔思路建议看pooh百宝箱，再搜一下老帖子有没有这个题目，lz本文达不到研究生水平的逻辑写作的要求，思路散，论述平庸，论据苍白
Without the appealing image, one may be ignored by people. It will take more effort to make he appealing to others or even the day will not come. 后半部分想说什么呢？In the same time, without good reality or truth behind the image, one can not make further progress. When he account a difficult thing, he may do not have the ability to solve it, or he do not have the prediction to make any contribute to the innovation.
本段似乎在强调二者缺一不可，但是，首先没有主题句，大忌，其此，后面的论述没有新意，上两段内容的重复而已
The contemporary society calls the person and the product to have both the image and the reality or truth. The two aspects are both important and needed in order to survive in our world. Without any of the two aspects, the function can be weakened.
恕我直言，lz给我的感觉是没入门
大问题小问题都存在

大从如何展开论证，选择，分析论据，小到语法，都存在问题，建议多看看精华帖前人的经验，给你个链接，这个链接写得比较全

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板凳

发表于 2007-1-19 22:58:31 |只看该作者

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地板

发表于 2007-1-19 23:18:21 |只看该作者

555，好想要nostrum也给我改作文啊。。。
我决定了。今天一定要磨一篇出来。。。。呼呼

Aza Fighting~

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5楼

发表于 2007-1-19 23:39:32 |只看该作者

震撼
谢谢斑竹
研读后再回复

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6楼

发表于 2007-1-20 14:43:09 |只看该作者

ISSUE 33 另批

Our contemporary society has been becoming multicolored. Beautiful colors, various shapes, and wonderful textures always make us puzzled when we making our judgments. 斑竹似乎没有改这个地方.These appealing images seem to be attractive, however,if we only pay attention to them, we possibly can not value the essence of them wisely and rationally. The image and the reality behind the image are of the same importance .

An outstanding image can give people a deep impression, especially at the first time. We may prefer a fine cake to a coarse one in a restaurant.斑竹改正的时候单词写错了：（ We always look back on the street when a beautiful girl just passing by but do not remember the common crowd we even crush in. This first impression is so critical (important用重复了，可以换个词） that a lot of pharmacy factories spend a large amount of money(没有怎么见过直接用large的） on the image of their products in order to catch more attraction. For most of us, we possibly chose the painkiller pills with a fine image thinking that it plays better function than a homely one. (simple 表示简单，这里要表达的是不漂亮）And also, that could explain why the interviewees pay so much attention to the appearance of themselves. That is because the employers tends to consider that a person in a suit turns out to be more trustable and cares more about the job than the one in a sports wear. In order to attract more people at the first sight, creating an appealing image looks vital in our current society.

However, paying too much attention on the image may cause negative influence that we do not care about the reality or truth behind the image. Image and reality are of the same importance,so that they can not be performed separately. All of us will not like the attractive cake with a bad taste.Moreover, we may prefer its taste to its look,if only one of the two can be chose.(原文那句我删了）We may remember not to buy a well- packed pharmacy product whose function is so weak that it can do nothing in healing us. (原句句式有点简单，把两句合在一句）A person with a nice image will never succeed if he has no ability at all. The reality of the person can help him survive in competition and challenge of the society. Therefore, reality and truth behind a image influent the function of a product or a person largely.

Without the appealing image, one may be ignored by people. It will take more effort to make he appealing to others or even the day will not come. At the same time, without good reality or truth behind the image, one can not make further progress. When he account a difficult thing, he may do not have the ability to solve it, or he do not have the prediction to make any contribute to the innovation.

The contemporary society calls the person and the product to have both the image and the reality or truth. The two aspects are both important and needed in order to survive in our world. Without any of the two aspects, the function can be weakened.
PS：我觉得一开始，问题能发现就好，然后就是练习，没有必要这么批评人家的！斑竹也不是生来就会写的。呵呵。

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7楼

发表于 2007-1-20 14:49:30 |只看该作者

对上面的PS

前面的更改多写,后两段我没有怎么改动.希望大家再看再改...一起努力!

doriswjj

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8楼

发表于 2007-1-20 19:42:31 |只看该作者

seat taken^——^

人生太短
出手要更大
旁观者不需理解

赢得风光
豪得精彩
自己偏偏感觉失败

自尊心都可以出卖
忘记我也是无坏
连幸福都输掉醉在长街
依然是我最大

连梦想洒一地再任人踩依然笑得爽快

WELCOME TO GRE作文版

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9楼

发表于 2007-1-20 22:50:05 |只看该作者

issue33 请拍
33"Creating an appealing image has become more important in contemporary society than is the reality or truth behind that image."
在当今社会，引人的表面现象比现象背后的本质重要得多
提纲：
1、出色的外表可以取得好感，建立良好的印象。
2、内在的本质才是发挥作用的关键
3、缺少任何一样都不会发挥最好的效果
看起来是平衡观点哦
Our contemporary society has been becoming multicolored. Beautiful color, varies shape, and wonderful texture always make us puzzled about our judgment. These appealing images seem attractive to us when we make our decision. But if we only pay attention to the image, we possibly can not make our choice wisely. The image and the reality behind the image are same important things for a product or a person这个地方有待商榷哈，哪里提到了product和person？ in our world.

还有开头段如果把主题句前面的论述去掉了那应该写什么来补充？

为什么要去掉呀~我觉得这个开头挺好的。第一句有点类似背景陈述什么的哈。其实我挺喜欢这么写的，扯一些相关背景，然后切入主题。当然背景得和提出主旨有铺垫的作用。我记得有的范文是这样子的，背景开头。我觉得行，可以保留。总之我觉得这样子比简单地疑问阿，开门见山之类滴好很多。也可以尝试用名言阿，什么滴~西，多种形式可以创新哈。但要为提出主旨服务，不是无谓地为了论述而论述就好。

An outstanding image can give people a deep impression, especially at the first time. We may focus on the fine cake in a restaurant neglecting a plaint[什么意思？] one. We always look back on[in哈，注意小地方] the street when a beautiful girl just passed[passing更形象] by us[去掉] but do not remember the common people[注意这里哈，common people和beautiful girl可是不对应的噢，似乎用类似衣着平平，朴实之类的形容更贴切些] we even crushed in. This first impression is so important that a lot of pharmacy factories这里有点奇怪噢，为什么光说pharmacy factories是这样，几乎所有的产品都越来越注重形象和包装阿，你可以从这方面来说，但是这里和cake都是产品是不是有点重复？此外这里还有个问题哈，本段主要是讨论外表的重要性，你的主旨句说外表很重要，特别是第一印象中。你之前的例子也一直是与外表有关的哈，这句突然主语变成This first impression讨论它是否重要与否，而且没有及时滴转回到image上，明显的偏离了主旨。 spend large money on the image of their product in order to gain more people's eyes. For most of us, we possibly chose the painkiller pills with a fine image thinking that it plays better function than a simple one.跟cake重复泥。而且跟前面那句pharmacy factories的关联也不大。说到底还是个包装问题。 And this is why the interviewers pay much more不是更好些 attention to the image of themselves指代不明，我没明白是谁哈. The employers may think that a person in a suit cares about the job better or more trustable than the one in a sports wear.此处语言的确不大地道:…cares more about the job or seems more trustable than the one in.. In order to attract more people, the去掉 creating an appealing image looks important in our current society.

我在写的时候想的是两段举相同的例子，然后形成对比，例子用的多举例不是单个例子具体分析，批注里面说例子没有选好，论证比较苍白

例子的确有重复出现，具体的问题我批注在上面了。一段内多个例子也是可以的，但一般我使用的话会尽量保证句式上和内容的详尽上的一致性，形成排比。而且多个例子的确展来论述的空间小，一般都是一个例子一两句话就可以明显看出来支持主旨的。如果非要展开论述，那最多就是两三个例子，再多的情况比较少了，而且那就不算多个例子了。就是两个大的详细的例子而已。

然后就是语言。我比较茫然的是语言不是要求不高的吗？

再来说下语言。从我看的这段来讲，基本上还算可以。个别句子有点拗口和不地道，也是正常的，我自己写句子也有怪怪的时候。但是我对比了一下nostrum给你改过的那段和我给你改过的那段，我发现我改的应该是你修正之后的版本，所以可能好一些了。之前的nostrum斑竹给你指出的地方的确存在重复用词和错误用词及不地道的地方。你自己需要正确认识并尽量克服。尝试用英语的感觉像句子，别用中文想好再翻译过来。另外多读读感觉还是可以继续提高的哈~

However, paying too much attention on the image may cause negative influence that we do not care about the reality or truth behind the image. 这句是主旨句么？和你的提纲有出入哦。偶倾向于直接点出reality和truth behind the image的作用，而不是说may cause negative influence这样模糊的词句。Image and reality are same important that they can not perform separately. All of us will not like the attractive cake with a bad taste. Because the taste is the reality of the cake怪怪的感觉，不过我也想不到怎么改 do not meet us. We may remember not to buy a well packed pharmacy product of which the function is weak. 读着不舒服The reality of the product can not heal us. A person with nice image may never succeed太绝对了吧 if he has no ability at all. The reality of the person can not survive in the competition and challenge of the society. Therefore, reality and truth behind a image influent the function of a product or a person largely.不懂

我在写的时候想的是两段举相同的例子，然后形成对比

我觉得你想达到的对比作用没有起到哦，感觉上的确是有些重复了。我们开看你的两次同样的例子：We may focus on the fine cake in a restaurant neglecting a plaint one还有All of us will not like the attractive cake with a bad taste.我是这样觉得，如果还拿上面一段的cake做例子来对比，可以强调一下，比如加一句take the cake mentioned above for example之类。然后用if表达即使cake的包装很好，但如果味道太差，人们第一次可能会因为外观而选择，但是以后就不会再次选择之类。这样例子就用的活一些。说到这里，我想到一点，你在说外观作用的时候的确可以突出外观通过第一印象对产品、人等产生的作用。然后再说实质的时候，就可以利用第一印象的维持和持久地吸引需要实质等。这样就可以从“第一”和“以后”作用两个角度展开论述，也就自然而然地形成了对比。PS:说个语言问题，fine cake？这个词用的太不好了，还不如well-packed之类的。

Without the appealing image, one may be ignored by people. 偶突然明白你之前首段说滴product和人了。偶觉滴你把题目抽象地概念用product和person来具体化和论述是很好滴思想，但偶建议对题目只要做过修正或者意译滴话最好在开头解释一下，比如说以产品和人为例来说明这个问题，或者这个问题可以从两方面来理解这样滴话之类。这样显滴逻辑严密。It will take more effort to make he him低级错误噢appealing to others or even the day will not come. In the same time, without good reality or truth behind the image, one can not make further progress. When he account a difficult thing, he may do not have the ability to 加个well更合理些solve it, or he do not have the prediction to make any contribute to the innovation.还有一点，既然上两段都是从product和person两方面来说，你这段平衡两者滴时候也应该两方面都提到哈

The contemporary society calls the person and the product to have both the image and the reality or truth. The two aspects are both important and needed in order to survive in our world. 偶们再来看个基本语法哈，你看这句话the two aspects are…in order to survive, in order滴逻辑主语是who？是不the two aspects？傻眼了吧。Without any of the two aspects, the 用their更好些 function can be weakened.有些基本功的东西不够扎实哦，未来一个月之内要努力克服。

OVER~

[ 本帖最后由 kito9695 于 2007-1-21 00:56 编辑 ]

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10楼

发表于 2007-1-20 23:17:46 |只看该作者

我个人比较喜欢别人批得比较狠，毕竟毛病和缺点在考场之前找出来最好。
不过不能光说缺点不提优点。GRE来说，信心很重要，即使准备的不好，信心也需要的。
个人提倡前期作文批评多，后期鼓励多。不过不知道LZ是新人还是快考试了:rolleyes:

另外，版主的确都是从一个单词开始学习写作的。不过作为义务帮助大家的后来人，不用说至少见的作文比大家多一点。我们也许写不出来好文章，不过好坏还是可以看出来的。不然也没资格站这里看作文。

[ 本帖最后由 expire7 于 2007-1-20 23:20 编辑 ]

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11楼

发表于 2007-1-21 00:08:08 |只看该作者

感谢kito斑竹的重批

我没有说批得狠不好，同样我也觉得每个人都需要鼓励
我2.28考试
写这篇文章之前仔细看过官方范文结构，也看过david综述关于审题和提纲，大概写了3篇issue，
其中一篇lastangel斑竹也批过

之所以发给kito斑竹希望重批是因为原批注关于没有入门的说法让我对issue的理解产生了重大怀疑
也使我一时不知道改怎么下手去继续准备
所以在让我外语系同学批改语言之余发给kito斑竹批改

感谢这么多斑竹的关心和支持，也感谢nostrum斑竹在百忙之中的批改，我会继续努力的！

偶的宝贝猪猪

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