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[a习作temp] argument76 同主题作业自己认真修改过的回拍 [复制链接]

tangjihede
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2005-7-21 16:24:19 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

0510G同主题写作第七期－－argument76

【题目】The following appeared as part of an article in a health and beauty magazine.
"A group of volunteers participated in a study of consumer responses to the new Luxess face cream. Every morning for a month, they washed their faces with mild soap and then applied Luxess. At the end of that month, most volunteers reported a marked improvement in the way their skin looked and felt. Thus it appears that Luxess is truly effective in improving the condition of facial skin."
【翻译】一组志愿者参加了一项关于消费者对新的Luxess面霜的反应的调查。在一个月中的每个早晨，他们都用柔和香皂洗脸然后使用Luxess。一个月之后，多数志愿者报告说他们皮肤的观感显著改善。因此，这说明Luxess对于改善面部皮肤状况确实有效。

The arguer attempts to prove that Luxess face cream is a truly effective face cream by appealing to the result of a volunteers’ test. A close examination, however, will show that this conclusion is not convincing.

First, the arguer fails to prove that it was really Luxess that accounts for the effect. The arguer mentions that those volunteers washed their faces with both mild soap and Luxess. It is possible that it is not Luxess, but mild soap that accounts for the reason why there is an improvement in their facial conditionp. It is also possible that those volunteers kept using other face creams during the test, and it was other creams that made the improvement. Even possible is condition that it is the mere fact of washing face that leads the change, suppose those volunteer did not washed their face so frequently before. Moreover, other factors such as foods, drinks, sleeping, might also cause the improvement. No evidence is provided in the argument to exclude those worries.

Second, even granted that Luxess does account for the effect, the fact that most volunteers reported a marked improvement does not necessarily follow that it was really an improvement. It is possible that Luxess might contain several metallic elements which are very harmful to their skin, although their face looked and felt good. No scientific research is offered in the above statement to deny this point. Even if there is no harm, a test of one month might be too short to draw the conclusion. Perhaps after two or three month, they will find that Luxess is not so effective or even not effective at all.

Third, even granted that Luxess did lead to an improvement to those volunteers, it dose not imply that Luxess will be effective to others. The arguer fails to prove that those volunteers can be representative to most consumers. We do not know how many volunteers were involved, how they were chosen and what the conditions of their facial skin were before using Luxess. Maybe their facial condition is very special, or maybe they can represent only a small portion of consumers. Without ruling out this worry, the arguer’s conclusion is also vulnerable.

In sum, the arguer neglects several significant factors in the argument and fails to warrant the conclusion. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to offer a scientific report to show that Luxess is no harm and really effective, and it is suitable for most consumers.

413 words

"I will act," says Don Quixote, "as if the world were what I would have it to be, as if the ideal were real..."

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skater
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沙发

发表于 2005-7-23 22:03:41 |只看该作者

The arguer attempts to prove that Luxess face cream is a truly effective face cream by appealing to（好词） the result of a volunteers’ test. A close examination, however, will show that this conclusion is not convincing.（开头简洁有力，赞！顺便说一下，本人极其欣赏逻辑明确，并且一句废话都没有的文章，：p
鸡蛋里挑骨头：还可以在第一段末尾指出漏洞的几个方面，不过鉴于这道题的漏洞是环环相扣型，而不是总线型，参差嵌套，不好分方面，不说也可以，一句CONVING也够了，二赞！）
First, the arguer fails to prove that it was really Luxess that accounts for（哦？没见过的好用短语，学习一下） the effect. The arguer mentions that those volunteers washed their faces with both mild soap and Luxess. It is possible that it is not Luxess, but mild soap that accounts for the reason why there is an improvement in their facial conditions. It is also possible that those volunteers kept using other face creams during the test, and it was other creams that made the improvement.（我没想到的方面，赞！） Even possible is condition（？？ A even condition possibility? A even possibility is the condition that?） that it is the mere fact （这个FACT 有问题，你要阐述，也许仅仅是洗脸这个行为导致了变化，用PRACTICE。你不觉得别扭？仅仅是洗脸这个“事实”导致了。。。难道洗脸还能不是事实吗？） of washing face that leads the change, suppose those volunteer did not washed their face so frequently before.（SUPPPOSE 后的部分可以放在整个句子的开头） Moreover, other factors such as foods, drinks, sleeping, might also cause the improvement. No evidence is provided in the argument to exclude those worries.（FACTORS）（VERY WELL！THIS PARAGRAPH GIVES A LUCID DISCUSS ABOUT THE EFFECT OF THE PROCUCT ，IT‘S  INTEGRATIVE AND GROUDLESS！）
Second, even granted （非常有逻辑的让步，环环相扣，呵呵君子所见略同）that Luxess does account for the effect, the fact that most volunteers reported a marked improvement does not necessarily follow that it was really an improvement. It is possible that Luxess might contain several metallic elements which （MIGHT TAKE TEMPORARILY AND EVIDENTLY EFFECT AND AT THE SAME TIME ）are very harmful to their skin, although their face looked and felt good.（其实重金属只是一种可能，最重要的是说明LUXESS有短期但有害（或长期无效）的效果，漂白剂也是一例，总之，举例不要忘记回应主题。） No scientific research is offered in the above statement to deny this point. Even if there is no harm, a test of one month might be too short to draw the conclusion. Perhaps after two or three month, they will find that Luxess is not so effective or even not effective at all.（OUTSTANDING RESPONSE！）

Third, even granted（同赞） that Luxess did lead to an improvement to those volunteers, it dose not imply that Luxess will be effective to others. The arguer fails to prove that those volunteers can be representative to most consumers. We do not know how many volunteers were involved, how they were chosen and what the conditions of their facial skin were before using Luxess. Maybe their facial condition is very special, or maybe they can represent only a small portion of consumers. Without ruling out （好词！）this worry（又是WORRY，虽然限时，但自己改的时候注意发觉新词汇，作到尽量不重复，尽量少重复）, the arguer’s conclusion is also vulnerable.（这段可能是你认为最不重要的漏洞？感觉没有前两段展开充分，当然每个人的观点不同，不可能认为重要的一样，但你在类似题材时可以充分发掘SURVEY 题材的漏洞，以备其他题目。）加油！！
In sum, the arguer neglects several significant factors in the argument and fails to warrant the conclusion. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to offer a scientific report to show that Luxess is no harm and really effective, and it is suitable for most consumers. （没有写完吗？）
总体评价：飞速的进步！！
         关于总体逻辑，已经没有什么好说的了，几乎让人挑不出问题
   ADDITION：
         这篇文章是我们典型的互改练真功的好文章！内容全面，逻辑严密，语言清晰，没有CHENGLISH味道。建议大家都来观摩。

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tangjihede
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板凳

发表于 2005-7-24 12:44:58 |只看该作者

1.环环相扣型，而不是总线型，参差嵌套....skater理论素养太让人佩服了！！！
2. even possible is the condition that...这样说可以吧？
3.practice,zan!!
4.worries我见过的，应该没有问题。
5。“ even granted （非常有逻辑的让步，环环相扣，呵呵君子所见略同）”这好像是我认为你的arg里缺乏的一点。。。
6。“（MIGHT TAKE TEMPORARILY AND EVIDENTLY EFFECT AND AT THE SAME TIME ）”赞！
7。survey的问题可能是因为烦了，是个survey就有问题，唉。考试的时候要是时间不够我就打算少说了。
8。写完了，最后一句：the arguer would have to ..to show ....that it is suitable for most consumers.
9.你就看过我这一篇arg，怎么就看出来飞速的进步了？？？
10.多谢，赞！

"I will act," says Don Quixote, "as if the world were what I would have it to be, as if the ideal were real..."

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地板

发表于 2005-7-24 18:09:08 |只看该作者

The arguer attempts to prove that Luxess face cream is a truly effective face cream by appealing（appealing 第一次知道好词） to the result of a volunteers’ test. A close examination（我习惯用scrutiny）, however, will show that this conclusion is not convincing.

First, the arguer fails to prove that it was really Luxess that accounts for the effect. The arguer mentions that those volunteers washed their faces with both mild soap and Luxess. It is（加一个强调词会不会好点？如completely） possible that it is not Luxess, but mild soap that accounts for（在一段里重复，换一个比较好吧，但是这个词组很好） the reason why there is an improvement in their facial conditions. It is also possible that those volunteers kept using other face creams during the test, and it was other creams that made the improvement. Even possible is condition that it is the mere fact of washing face that leads the change, suppose those volunteer did not washed their face so frequently before请教一下这句的句式是什么？虽然懂意思，可是有点不太懂结构. Moreover, other factors such as foods, drinks, sleeping, might also cause the improvement. No evidence is provided in the argument to exclude those worries.这里的可能性列举的很完整，很好。联结词也用得很好。
Second, even granted好词 that Luxess does account for the effect, the fact that most volunteers reported a marked improvement does not necessarily follow that it was really an improvement. It is possible that Luxess might contain several metallic elements which are very harmful to their skin, although their face looked and felt good. No scientific research is offered in the above statement to deny this point. Even if there is no harm, a test of one month might be too short to draw the conclusion. Perhaps after two or three month, they will find that Luxess is not so effective or even not effective at all.这一段的递进用得很好

Third, even granted that Luxess did lead to an improvement to those volunteers, it dose not imply that Luxess will be effective to others. The arguer fails to prove that those volunteers can be representative to most consumers. We do not know how many volunteers were involved, how they were chosen and what the conditions of their facial skin were before using Luxess. Maybe their facial condition is very special, or maybe they can represent only a small portion of consumers. Without ruling out this worry, the arguer’s conclusion is also vulnerable又是一个新词谢了.

In sum, the arguer neglects several significant factors in the argument and fails to warrant the conclusion. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would 改成should好些吧have to offer a scientific report to show that Luxess is no harm一般来说化妆品都是有害的，具体要怎么表达我也没想出来。 and really effective, and it is suitable for most consumers.
总的来说，楼主的逻辑很严密也很清晰。注意词的多样化就更好了。读上去很舒服。
楼主也帮我看看吧写了几篇以后互拍！
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight=
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight=
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight=
楼主以后写了还可以发到我邮箱里 mvpzhuang@163.com

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tangjihede
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5楼

发表于 2005-7-24 18:49:18 |只看该作者

Originally posted by mvpzhuang at 2005-7-24 18:09
Even possible is condition that it is the mere fact of washing face that leads the change, suppose those volunteer did not washed their face so frequently before请教一下这句的句式是什么？虽然懂意思，可是有点不太懂结构.

Even possible is the condition that..., suppose..=
suppose..., the condition that..is even possible.

倒装。

这就去拍你的

[ Last edited by tangjihede on 2005-7-24 at 18:55 ]

"I will act," says Don Quixote, "as if the world were what I would have it to be, as if the ideal were real..."

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6楼

发表于 2005-7-24 19:05:10 |只看该作者

1.环环相扣型，而不是总线型，参差嵌套....skater理论素养太让人佩服了！！！ (刚考完数据库)
2. even possible is the condition that...这样说可以吧？ (说实话,这句话让LONG文章阅读只错一个或两个的我看了五遍没看懂)
3.practice,zan!!
4.worries我见过的，应该没有问题。 (我是说你用了两次,还是差不多的用法,有空的话尽量多啄么语言)
5。“ even granted （非常有逻辑的让步，环环相扣，呵呵君子所见略同）”这好像是我认为你的arg里缺乏的一点。。。 (所以....)
6。“（MIGHT TAKE TEMPORARILY AND EVIDENTLY EFFECT AND AT THE SAME TIME ）”赞！
7。survey的问题可能是因为烦了，是个survey就有问题，唉。考试的时候要是时间不够我就打算少说了。(可是这种弱智的东东你不说,老外就认为你就是弱智)
8。写完了，最后一句：the arguer would have to ..to show ....that it is suitable for most consumers.
9.你就看过我这一篇arg，怎么就看出来飞速的进步了？？？ (我昨晚特意把我改过你的第一篇I 调出来看了看,嘻嘻...可见我出现后你的进步:lol)10.多谢，赞！

8月26日，北京 527933543

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