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[作文] 作文修改小超人（停止修改） [复制链接]

破海沧澜
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电梯直达

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楼主

发表于 2007-9-19 08:14:21 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

如果各位有满意的文章, 可以发在论坛上, 我尽量为大家改!!!!

自从9月18号注册寄托论坛到现在，我一直都坚持为大家修改作文。同时大家也给了我无尽的支持。。。。。。
实在是很感谢各位，在看你们的作文的同时我自己的写作水平也在不断提高，从作文修改小超人这个帖子开贴的那一刻，就收到了大家无尽的鼓励！！
我一直觉得做什么事情，过程比结果更重要。。。。
不管自己的托福成绩怎么样，在论坛上学习的过程是难忘的。
大家尽心地写作文，我尽心地为大家改。
虽然我们彼此不认识，却都竭尽全力。
借用某个版主的签名：人不奋斗枉少年！！！！！！
我不知道自己的这个帖子会维持多久，反正我又时间都会继续去做这件事情！！

最后，如果大家在看我的修改的过程中有什么疑问，或者建议，尽管帖上来。

[ 本帖最后由破海沧澜于 2007-11-8 08:45 编辑 ]

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hurchu
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沙发

发表于 2007-9-19 10:20:25 |只看该作者

楼住人真好，讲的也有道理。什么时候也帮我改改。:)

既然選擇了遠方，便只顧風雨兼程。

【2025FALL】全站祈福已开放~~来领祈福章，求offer得offer

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Gogo学着聪明
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板凳

发表于 2007-9-19 10:52:06 |只看该作者

好人一个，等会写文献上，占座了~

听爸爸妈妈的话^-^

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laurenceabroad
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地板

发表于 2007-9-19 14:04:05 |只看该作者

:handshake

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mantnkh
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5楼

发表于 2007-9-19 14:11:20 |只看该作者

赞！改的好认真
占楼了呵呵

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破海沧澜
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6楼

发表于 2007-9-19 14:50:12 |只看该作者

对ywtwot的作文修改

ywtwot
It has recently been announced that a new restaurant may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

I have heard (heard about) that a new restaurant may be built in my neighborhood. Somebody may oppose the building of a new restaurant because it will make the traffic much heavier on diner time. However, I agree with the plan very much. The reasons are as follows.
（Recently， it is said that a new restaurant will be built in our community. Considering the local condition, a fair portion of people are against of its construction. However, from a more personal than a general perspective, I would argue that building a new restaurant would benefit us inhabitants, and the following reasons might convince you that I am on the right track.）

(For one thing,) One reason for building the new restaurant is that it will offer the residents a good place to relax and entertain. It is known that we are facing more and more pressures from many aspects of life especially from work. Since there is no restaurant in my town, people have to cook meals at home by themselves, which makes them more tired after work. We can usually go to the new restaurant and have a good rest from work everyday if it will be built in our neighborhood. And we will have a good time with my families and friends when we have parties in the restaurant.
(For one thing, the establishment of the new restaurant might prosper our pastimes. Undoubtedly, modern citizens who involve themselves into the highly-developed society endure huge pressures for various reasons. What is worse, at present there is no restaurant in our hometown, making the demand for a restaurant strong. If a restaurant settles down in our community, the physical outlook of the settlers will be different: they might no longer live in heavy pressure and exhaustion, for they could gather in the restaurant to have a party, or, simply get there to pass their pastimes. Moreover, if the restaurant has TVs and computers, people will go there not only for food, but also for relaxation and entertainment--- watch football games, surf the Internet and so forth. In short, a new restaurant might serve as an important role in the people’s life in the future. )

In addition, a new restaurant may have many work positions like chef, waiter and cashier for people who live in town or nearby. Many dwellers in my neighborhood, including some skilled persons, are looking for jobs right now. If they can find a full time or even a part time job in the restaurant, they may earn the money to support themselves and our neighborhood will become more harmonious and prosperous.
(For another, the establishment of a new restaurant means the opportunity for natives in term of wok forces. The individuals who are now unemployed may be able to obtain a job as a waiter, or a cook. Thus, more people in our community as well as surrounding community could find jobs to support their financial demand, making the surroundings harmonious and flourished.)

Last but not the least, the new restaurant may contribute to our communities in some other ways. For instance, if the restaurant is successful, it will attract people living in other communities coming and visiting our community. And that may benefit other stores and make our community more popular.
(In this body paragraph you can say something about the opposite--- if we give up building a restaurant, what the positive/negative effects it would bring to us)

In conclusion, I strongly support to build a new restaurant in my neighborhood. The new restaurant will not only offer us a good place to eat and relax but also offer some work opportunities to my neighbors who really need jobs to support themselves. What’s more, it will bring benefits for other stores.

[ 本帖最后由破海沧澜于 2007-11-4 12:31 编辑 ]

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破海沧澜
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7楼

发表于 2007-9-19 15:11:44 |只看该作者

广而告之

斑竹给了我高亮,
欢迎大家以回帖的形式把作文发上来, 我会尽快给大家改!!!!
相信我的实力!!!!:loveliness: :loveliness: :loveliness:

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amywly
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8楼

发表于 2007-9-19 16:19:52 |只看该作者

占楼

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破海沧澜
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9楼

发表于 2007-9-20 08:25:17 |只看该作者

新的修改

huangchenk
题目Some people say that computers have made life easier and more convenient. Other people say that computers have made life more complex and stressful. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

It must be an exaggeration to say that life becomes more and more complicated and that many people feel the great pressure from the computer. Well, I just want to say is （有语法错误并且致命）computer never brings adversity （Adversity is a very difficult or unfavorable situation. Adversity 一词在这里用得很不恰当，注意，它形容的是一个situation） and why some people feel burden is due to the way they make up their lives, they haven't keep abreast with the society which is full filled with Internet. Meanwhile, thanks to computer, the rest hold the view that computer makes the world smaller,, they relax themselves in a special way with computer . Here I'll (I will, 记住，在英文写作中全部的缩写都必须全写，这是一个美国小学生都知道的常识，就象我们都知道句子结束后面要打句号一样。) list some lines to support viewpoints.

（Technology boom leads the trend of the current world. It is now common to see young people listen to the pop music with iTune in the street, white-collar workers talk with their fellows on the mobile driving their cars and doctors utilize special apparatus to heal the patients. Among these, computers play a key role to promote our living circumstances in appearance of a highly developed technology. Although there come some dubious voices claiming that computers have made life more complex and stressful. And from my perspective, I would argue that computers do have made life easier and more convenient, especially in terms of education and culture communication.这是我重新写的一个段落，但我没有按照你的思路来。因为我觉得我的这个思路有借鉴意义，所以写在这里。）

Before computers were invented, the only way people have to communicate with others is writting letters, but the time of mailing the letter would often cost one or two days, even a week or a month, so a large majority （a fair portion of 替换） of people can not （cannot） endure (你前面似乎用过这个词，所以最好换成其他词，如stand) it. After a tough period, the computer comes to the earth and soon was spread over the whole world. With such an efficient tool, people send messages which can be received in no time (in no time= immediately) . Making friends with aliens，which is fantastic and fibula，is also made available by computers (friends are invariably available for an informal chat or an evening’s entertainment.). For an instance, my cousin, who makes up a great relationship with an Indian, after a period of chatting online, has a strong bond with the Indian and soon his friend will be invited to my city. This is all because of the power of the computer.

Nowadays, people are always trapped in the pressure (用得不错) from the society. Playing computer games would be their best choice to to relieve stress. While playing it, it seems that you are in another imaginary world and that you will go out of the reality , go out of pains and go out of the terrible problem which always haunts you ,and at the same time, you get pleasure.

（这是我重写的主体段：

Computers have made our education easier. Many more people benefit from this high technology to learn more without any pay. My uncle Johnson enjoys learning online. An experienced engineer as he is, he always insists that one should be never too old to learn. Considering he is fond of English literature, he oftentimes buries himself into the study of English on the Internet. Shakespeare, Charles Deigns （查尔斯.狄更斯？）and Pagan (培根？) prosper his life. And whenever we get together, my uncle will entertain us by telling English comedies he learned from the Internet. “I find English fairly enjoyable," one day my uncle told me, breaking into a peel of laughter, “because of the advantage of the computer technology." Thus, through my uncle's experience, I recognize the value this magic power (computer) for the cultivation of education.

In addition, owing to the computer advancement, we global citizens are able to communicate with others culturally, making the globalization possible. By coincidence, I have a deep sense of this strength the computers bring to us since I take the advantage of this by myself. Unlike my uncle Johnson, I am very interested in American culture and through the Internet I am able to have a glimpse at it without being there. And, indeed, through TV series prison break, the movie American pie, former President Clinton's speech and Avril's pop songs I acquire a comprehensive view (or, partly) of the United States, impressed by the people's passion and wisdom.）

[ 本帖最后由破海沧澜于 2007-11-4 12:33 编辑 ]

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柠檬虫
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10楼

发表于 2007-9-20 08:29:12 |只看该作者

看这标题，我还以为是什么电脑软件之类的，呵呵~lz搞笑+好银的说！:D

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破海沧澜
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11楼

发表于 2007-9-20 08:43:54 |只看该作者

广而告之

各位寄托族们，　托福写作是托福考试中最好拿分的部分，　但它必须经过一定的练习和积累才能被征服．
我发起这次主题活动的目的，　是为帮助寄托论坛上的朋友们提高写作．
在我看来，　作文不上２５分是失败！！！！
而现在看来，　寄托论坛上的朋友们写作水平是有待提高的！！！
所以，　我再次倡导一下：　大家多写作文吧，　发到我的主题活动：　作文修改小超人　　
我绝对负责！！！:)

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haowr
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12楼

发表于 2007-9-20 08:53:30 |只看该作者

楼住帮我看看吧

In this lecture, the professor casts doubt on the writer’s evidence and therefore argues with the statement that Chinese found the American continent much earlier than Columbus.

To begin with, the reading introduces the evidence that people found man-made railroad in the coastline of United States. There is also the same symbol as the Chinese language in the railroad. In contrast, the professor holds that geologists prove that such railroad formed naturally. On this point, the professor directly contradicts what the passage indicates.

Secondly, as opposed to the ideas of the reading—a special anchor, which is used only by Chinese, is found in United States, the professor discusses that such anchor might be communicated to other countries. This is also another part where the professor rejects the writer’s perspective.

Moreover, the writer states the viewpoint that a special shaped tower, whose construction style is similar with the Chinese tower, is also found in the United States. while the professor takes the position that this construction style is also found in England. That is the third point the professor contends with the reading.

In a final analysis, the lecture refutes the main statement and some detail information mentioned in the reading, and the professor’s viewpoint is inconsistent with the reading.

When it comes to the homework, people vary in their views. On the one hand, some people hold that the teacher should assign the homework everyday because it is helpful to review what is taught in the class. While others contend that the teacher should not assign the homework so that the students have their spare time to meet their interests. As I see, the teacher should assign some homework but not deprive the students’ spare time.

For one thing, there is no denying fact that the homework would make the student well understand the knowledge. For example, the courses such as Mathematics and Physics need much more practice to make the student well know formulas and theories. “Practice makes perfect.” Accordingly, the student should be required the homework to test their study situation and know what they should do.

On the other hand, the teacher should not assign too much homework to make the student lose their spare time. However, to some extend, the purpose of education is to encourage the students’ interests. Based on this point, the education system should leave the spare time for the student to meet their interests such as violin, guitar, football and so forth. Therefore, a large number of homework would lose the education’s original target.

In balance, the teacher should not only assign some homework to make the student know what they have studied, but also guarantee the students’ spare time which could be dominated by themselves. Cathy lutin, the header of E.E. department M.I.T, once said “Our education system especially elementary school should combine the homework and the students’ interests together. ”

In sum, only when the teacher pay attention to leave the spare time to meet the students’ interest, and when the teacher also keep an eye to the essential homework, would our education survive and thrive.

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13楼

发表于 2007-9-20 08:56:01 |只看该作者

LZ 支持你~~

不过建议你使用寄托一个修改作文的工具

AW版上应该有的

可以把你的标注和原文区别开来

大家看起来方便,也能学习的更多

谢谢你!

GRE/TOEFL-->美版-->VISA-->行前-->Everywhere or Nowhere?
————————————————————————
一路走来，徜徉于各个版之间

只有工程科学版 ，始终不变
————————————————————————

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破海沧澜
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14楼

发表于 2007-9-20 09:14:04 |只看该作者

破海沧澜

明天给haowr答复

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15楼

发表于 2007-9-20 09:37:33 |只看该作者

人好又有才能我欣赏

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