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[经典批改讨论] 针对issue典型错误来练练挑刺+引以为戒 22楼新增issue7---终于开窍了 [复制链接]

imong
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电梯直达

楼主

发表于 2006-8-27 00:25:30 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

如题

114."Humanity has made little real progress over the past century or so. Technological innovations have taken place, but the overall condition of humanity is no better. War, violence, and poverty are still with us. Technology cannot change the condition of humanity."

I agree with the speaker's broad assertion that considers technological innovations took place in daily life用词错误导致语法错误这里的前半句和后半句组不成分句关系, severe problems which damages the quality of life such us war, violence, and poverty are still with us. However, the speaker unnecessarily extends this broad assertion to the conclusion that technology did not getmake real progress for humanity, while 改成in 然后整个分句放到最前面, however的后面 ignoring certain facts [that technology did improve life qualities]罗嗦删在一句话里说了两遍。. My point of contention？？ with the speaker involves the usage and emendation that technology could brought, as discussed below.不知道要说什么

Admittedly, some places on earth are still suffering from bad conditions nowadays, since greedgreediness? is the essential character of humanity. One's greed can be presented用词不准。Give rise to? as any activities that damaged others lives. The biggest war in history, the World War II, which bringsbrought unforgettable forget不forget不是问题的关键吧。用词仍然不准damages to worldwide humankinds, was evoked by the ill-ambitious词性？ of Hitler and his companions. Although technology was well developed at that time, its huge power was abused by greedy peoplespeople. 连接词用得太糟糕。前言不搭后语。三句话一过去你这段已经变成讨论greediness了基本上从主题跑开If we can not avoid the greediness which made the world unmerciful, the circumstances can never be always pacified. Some places of Africa, where people have plenty of diamond sources, never had a pleasant life with the big treasures. People from other parts of the world, with weapon in their hands, bee to rob those jewelry, killing the man impede them, making the wealthy place a hell. Rarely can human avoid those unpleasant facts with greedy deep in his or her heart.这一段从tS开始基本不切题。不是不能写得看你怎么个写法。intrinsic greediness是可以作为论证technology cannot improve humanity的论据的但是不是让你用来在这儿单花一段来证明greediness本身的这么写出来反映的是构思的时候就没有把事情组织清楚。如果你要同意technology cannot improve humanity的话可以写in the very essence of human nature technology improvement always end up abused to such an extent that whatever consequence blah blah... in the past blah blah... and the underlying whatever has been even more widespread nowadays blah blah... 如果你打算这么写的话。如果你有类似论据的话。不过我现在还没搞清楚你全篇立场就不知道是不是适合这么修改了。

Nevertheless, the development of innovations did promote human life不搭配。Promote life? to a brand new stage in the past century, considering the right position改 of the powers. Technology is neutral. The great energy concealing1.至少也是concealed 2.conceal用的不对。捉迷藏？最起码embed吧。 in it, which can be used utilize? by any individuals in the world, will bring advancements or declinations?? among the world. Like nuclear energy, used in the World War II by which US made Japan give up the war, can also be available in generating electricity. Nuclear energy can be utilized in terms of the Little Boy and Fat Man over Japan, as well as almost non-depletable source of energy as well. 就写一句对比一下用词和句子结构组织。 Overestimate 词性错the undermine词错 power of technology would unfairly lead to the negligence of the advantages it brought to us. For instance, electricity can be used illegally during some trials,？？ bring pains to someone. But no one would overlook the enormous conveniences it brought to the world by solely concentrating on those unpleasant facts. 论据很浅多数笔墨用作了重复论点

Besides, technology brought more ways to solve the problem than to increase the tragedies, so as to reduce the harm produced by greedy men. With poverties exist词性错 in many cities around world; technology had brought many sufficient ways to improve the condition. By advancing the communication tools, people can talk to anyone on earth by internet or telephone lines, which increased information changes among different districts, therefore add opportunities to develop the living stage of the poor one. Unless inventions could do nothing but decrease human's life quality, technology did improve our lives. With automobile tools commonly used in the new century, transportations among faraway cities are more convenient. Ships, trains and airplanes had largely save time for people, thus promoted commercial interactions among quantity of places.tS写more ways to solve than to increase，后面论据里面对more的支持在哪里？

On the whole, the speaker misevaluated the usage of technology, and fails to value the attitudes of people who take charge of it. Also, the emendation technology did was not take into consideration. Technology did made much strides in humanity.

模仿一下阅读材料里面的用词和句子怎么组织的。
整体的逻辑结构需要清楚的构思。

0 0

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imong
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沙发

发表于 2006-8-27 00:28:58 |只看该作者

最主要的错误：

词性错
搭配错
用词不准确/用词错
（而且不少...而且都灰常典型的说...）

论证结构
有骨头肉是揉烂的
站不起来

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sophia11280
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板凳

发表于 2006-8-27 08:02:50 |只看该作者

WELL DONE! THANK YOU EVRY MUCH

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pewcg8
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地板

发表于 2006-8-27 08:54:53 |只看该作者

哇,这个时候看到了imong,我还有两天就考试了,没时间细看,但是看到了imong,估计作文就,没问题了.....
感谢imong写的几篇关于A的分析.

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trees
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5楼

发表于 2006-8-27 10:01:24 |只看该作者

imong竟然蹦出来这里了. AW 福音啊

汝不可因惰而随心所睡！汝不可移志而半途而废！汝不可因苦而哭天抹泪！汝不可求闲而叫苦喊累！汝不可因难而节节后退！汝不可因败而万念俱灰！坚持到底！

请大家贯彻自己动手丰衣足食的原则。有问题先找精华，再提问。

在寄托，我们携手同行，飞跃梦想

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irislab UID: 2214489 irislab 当前离线最后登录 2017-12-28 在线时间 166 小时寄托币 1735 声望 35 注册时间 2006-5-13 阅读权限 5 帖子 16 精华 0 积分 2006 UID 2214489 禁止发言声望 35 寄托币 1735 注册时间 2006-5-13 精华 0 帖子 16 主页发消息	6楼发表于 2006-8-27 10:11:39 \|只看该作者提示: 作者被禁止或删除内容自动屏蔽

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expire7
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7楼

发表于 2006-8-27 11:59:56 |只看该作者

imong tree姐都难得过来啊。呵呵。

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jalline
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8楼

发表于 2006-8-27 12:12:09 |只看该作者

虽然考过了, 还是支持下, 前辈~

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liyue1985
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9楼

发表于 2006-8-27 12:39:55 |只看该作者

哇，要留名的！
明天考试今天就碰到imong,有福气喽:)

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flycc28
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10楼

发表于 2006-8-27 15:09:12 |只看该作者

最艰难的时候居然看到了imong~~~~~

power注入`~

*** [Shining Sep]作文组***

flycc28的msn space

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quekehanmu
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11楼

发表于 2006-8-27 18:39:15 |只看该作者

imong，给我力量～

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ospkk
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12楼

发表于 2006-8-27 23:58:44 |只看该作者

看来被我撞上了，感觉到灵气~~

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imong
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13楼

发表于 2006-8-28 04:22:25 |只看该作者

再贴一篇。

167"It is impossible for an effective political leader to tell the truth all the time. Complete honesty is not a useful virtue for a politician."

I agree with the speaker's broad assertion that an effective political leader could not be true（歧义） to the public at anytime. However, the speaker unnecessarily extends this broad assertion to （这里至少应该加个that）the honesty is useless for a politician（刻意混淆题目？人家说的可是complete honesty。没声响的把定语就扔了？貌似在反对题目实际上是认同题目？开头这里写得比较砸。）, while ignoring certain compelling conditions when the public need the politician be frank to them. From my angle（point）, it is necessary for leaders to keep authentic（用词不当，authentic用来形容古董的） for most of the time.

It is true that politicians must keep secrets in some circumstances. There are two compelling examples to illustrate my reason. One convincing example, that is, when the information is related to classified（？） intelligence, which is strictly withhold（withheld） from the public, it is the leaders （leaders’） responsibility to disguise the facts.（这好像也不怎么convincing） For another strong instance is when the truth, which includes（pertains to?） some messages of the politician’s personal life, would do little harm to the leader's image to the public, like snores during sleeping, or photos of crouching nose.（把整个句子的修饰全砍掉看看你还剩什么：when the truth would do little harm. 主句呢？发现问题了吧。非常典型的错误。） Then, it is unnecessary to report everything to citizens.（后面这个更加八卦一点都不convincing…而且两个例子没一个具体的）

However, the special situations can not be the reasons to impede the public from knowing the facts that they（they指代谁？如果是the public的话就应该砍掉后面的are. 还是典型错误） are needed. In one sense, if the leader makes a mistake to hold information for his or her（his or her --> personal） benefit, it would result in the extreme power which could lead to corruption easily. In another sense, disregarding the public's acknowledge（词性错需要调整） rights would conduct（give rise to?） misinterprets（misinterpretation?） among the society.（用词仍然不准） To demonstrate this point clearly, there is a case which had evoked a worldwide anxiety, that is, SARS.（整句写得罗嗦） When Beijing first come（动词不准主谓不搭配。was first hit by?） out the disease, the government chose （chose to?）keep（withhold） the information to maintain the peaceful（用词不准） social environment. Yet, the leader ignored the severe influential ability of the virus. Though the leader was resigned immediately after the truth comes out, the significant international influence is already exist（exist是动词）.

Besides, an effective political leader must has the ability to differ the information that needs to be published incise（？） from others, or else he or she can be suspected by the faults at any time, which would gain no reputation for the leader. No doubt, completely honesty can not be shown anytime in the political field; however, it is a useful virtue for a politician. When Clinton concealed the facts that he did with his secretary, it is his final explanation with completely honesty appeased the rage from his citizens.

To sum up, the speaker failed to consider the specific unusual times when the politician have to be not honest to the public, and underestimated the differentiated ability of the outstanding political leaders. Frank is a useful virtue for a politician.

（词不达意的问题太普遍了）
（基本没太大展开回应切题一般比上一篇略差。最后两段可以参照前面的评语自己找找问题）

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